Child Abuse Story From Nicki
by Nicki
(UK)
I don't really know where to start. I've been physically and sexually abused for most of my life. I don't know how old I was when it started because it's been happening for that long. My dad never used to be violent with it. He'd just touch me where he shouldn't, but I didn't know any different. He always introduced the new things he wanted to do slowly, and he made it feel so normal. He said it happened to everybody. Soon enough, he was having sex with me every night. It hurt so much, but I honestly believed it was normal. Soon he started photographing it and filming himself. He said I was a movie star.
When I was 8, I told my dad that I didn't think it happened to everybody. He told me it was because I was special and that he picked me specially. I told him I didn't want to be special and that I just wanted to be normal and asked him to stop. That was the first time he was violent. He punched me in the face and knocked me to the floor where he kept kicking me. I thought he was going to kill me. When I was nearly unconscious, he raped me again, but it hurt so much more than the times he had done it before. This happened every night. Even when I didn't tell him to stop, he still hit me. I couldn't figure it out.
I spent months trying to figure out how to tell my mum what he was doing. I waited until he'd gone out one night. I decided I was going to tell her. I was so pleased it was going to stop. I sat down next to my mum and told her what he was doing. I thought she'd stop him, but she told me I was lying. I begged her to believe me. Eventually, she said she knew I was telling the truth, but that there was nothing she could do and that I'd made myself a target by letting him do it in the first place. I couldn't believe it.
When my dad got back, he did it again. There was no way she didn't hear me begging him to stop. I was 8 years old. Why didn't she make it stop?
A week later she killed herself.
I can't even begin to describe how I felt then. Dad got worse. The night of the funeral, he invited his friends around and they took it in turns to rape me. This became a regular thing. They would tie me up and spend the entire day having sex with me. He kept filming it. He said that people loved watching this stuff.
When I was 11, I tried to stop him again. He beat me so bad I ended up in hospital, where my dad played the doting father. He wouldn't leave my side, said I was mugged. I wanted to tell someone at the hospital, but they didn't seem to suspect anything, and my dad wouldn't go away.
When I was 12, I found out I was pregnant. I thought if I told my dad, he'd stop what he was doing. He knocked me to the floor and kept calling me names, whilst kicking me over and over again until I was in so much pain I couldn't stand up. I lost the baby. Part of me was relieved. I didn't want a baby at 12.
If I had never told my dad, I could've had the baby and maybe got out. It's all my fault. I still feel so guilty about telling my dad and thereby killing my baby and then feeling relieved.
I'm 14 now and I'm still here. It's my punishment for everything I've done.
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