Child Abuse Story From Nichola B

by Nichola B
(United Kingdom)

Sooo....where to start? I find myself saying this quite often in all the counselling sessions that I am having. It has been quite a journey so far. I can feel myself evolving but it's all quite difficult in actually understanding everything. I went with one problem and now my whole life seems to have been a huge problem. The way we carry on, how we see life, how we deal with different situations...I couldn't believe what I was starting to understand. It feels great when I get that understanding, but at times I feel worse for remembering!

I am 26 years old and have been in counselling for 9 months, which take place every week.

When I was a child, I experienced many kinds of abuse: physical and mental abuse from my own mother. This included use of belts, slippers, shoes, hot cups of tea thrown down me and even dinners. I was always shoved in the cupboard under the stairs or even made to sit on the stairs whilst everyone had fun in the room. Had to even sleep in the same wet sheets that I had wet the night before.

My mum would let her boyfriends hang me over the balcony by my ankles whilst she stood there laughing (this had a huge drop below me). At this time I had just got over a huge operation where I had fallen over a railing and down some stairs. The doctors had to remove a clot of blood from my brain. In fact, I nearly died! So yes...my mum found this quite amusing, even though I was screaming.

She would tell me how she wished I had died when they operated, and she threatened to put me into care. She would buy me alcohol at 12 years old, along with cigs, and let me come in late at night! Sometimes I thought she was cool cos no other friends' mothers let them do it! It was almost as if she had a split personality. I never knew when she was going to blow! The arguments, shouting, screaming, hitting, I just never knew when it was about to start!

At the age of 10, two 15-year-old boys took me into the woods and played a game which involved them both sleeping with me. I did not understand at this time that it was wrong; I just remember how much it hurt.

At the age of 11, my sister's boyfriend started sexually abusing me. Mostly touch, penetrating with fingers and making me do things to him which I still have trouble talking about. I later found out that my mum had been sleeping with him and she knew what he was doing to me but never did anything to help me.

He continued to haunt me throughout my teens by stopping me from having boyfriends, working at my school as a builder where I could feel him watching me and maybe other girls too! He also told people that one of my boyfriends had Aids (which was not true)...the way he did this gave me no option but to be tested, to later find out that it was him that had said it. By this time I knew why!

I always got drunk and slept around with the boys. Some I knew...others I didn't. Sometimes I remembered, most of the time I didn't. When I was 15 years old, I slept with a 42-year-old man whilst I was drunk and under the influence of drugs. I can barely remember, but I know it definitely happened.

My best friend's older brother decided to insert himself into me whilst I was asleep at the side of his sister. I woke with his hand over my mouth and him saying, "Shhhhhh, don't wake up my sister." I was frozen. I didn't know what to do. I stayed still till he had finished as I didn't want her to see what he was doing to me...it would have destroyed her.

Another time when I was drunk, I was half unconscious on the floor when a guy had sex with me whilst all his friends stood and watched. It was like one minute I was there, next minute I wasn't...I just remember the sky spinning and hearing voices with him on top of me but unable to move and speak. I was bullied the following day and called a slut or a slag.

I am now at a stage in my counselling where everything seems so confusing. I never know what to talk about.

I sent my mother a letter asking WHY? The reply I got was her blaming me and making me out to be the bad one. She even accused me of hitting her. I never once hit her as I was too scared to. Now I do not know what to do. All I have ever wanted is her love and attention but she cannot even give me that.

I wish at times that I was dead, as I hate being alone in this world of mine. My family hate me. All I have is my girlfriend. And then that can be quite stressful as I do not help being in this horrible mind of mine. It even turns out that my gayness could be to do with the events that have happened in my life.

The father I never knew has walked right in to my life. Even this has its own stresses, but I know we only have one chance at life...I may have lost one parent, but I have gained another even though it is extremely hard!

HOW MESSED UP CAN ONE PERSON BE?

The mental issues behind this are horrible to try and get through, but I will never give in...I just HOPE it doesn't take too long!

I also want to say that my heart goes out to all of those that have been abused in any kind of way. It is very soul destroying. It doesn't matter how little or how big, the effects are hard for people to cope with. And I hope if anyone has read this, you too have taken steps in trying to heal.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

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