Child Abuse Story From Natasha

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Child Abuse Story From Natasha

by Tasha
(Athens, Greece)

Still trying to live:
It is a very hard and lonely road realising that you have been abused for almost your entire life...first by your parents and then by yourself because you were convinced you "deserved" it. I am the daughter of two doctors. A gynecologist (my father) and a microbiologist (my mother). My parents were not compatible, in fact they hated each other. Dad had severe mental health issues, he was a very physically abusive man, terrorised people and had a violent past. Oh, yes, he had very good excuses for it...the "poor me, I don't feel well and that's why I act up" type of excuse which coupled with his looks made every girl (including my mom) willingly climb onto his bed. He was also addicted to benzodiazepines among other anxiolytics, he abused the prescriptions of course which left him addicted. He was using the stuff for over 15 years and since he never got any psychiatric help for his issues, he turned even more vicious and paranoid.

Mom on the other hand came from a family riddled with psychiatric problems. Both her brother and sister had been institutionalised for various issues and then...well...left to their own devices to deal alone with their issues as the family didn't like the "stigma" of their conditions. Result? They got worse and worse...obviously. Mom was co-dependent...and had a twisted Christian mentality (no offence to Christians, I am Christian but Jesus never said allow your husband to hurt your children and don't leave)...So she hid behind church, never told anyone and experienced a total mental break-down which left her emotionally numb. She was in her own little world for most of the time. She would snap out of it and have daily explosive arguments with dad...she would get beaten up, cheated on, she would be the sole bread winner of the family...BUT she was too good a woman to leave him "in his time of need".

This time of need went on for over 40 years...My sister was the first victim of abuse but I will not disclose her story without her permission here. I will talk about MY story and what happened soon as she run for cover at age 18 (I was 6 at the time).

My dad, was getting worse and worse and his addiction was way out of hand. He terrorised me on a daily basis. A typical day in my household would involve me being dragged out of bed by my mother at 7 in the morning (after already having fought my father), taken to school, called names, I would then come back immediately after school as the slightest delay would cause my dad to lose it, try to guess his moods...on a good day he would only be speaking to himself, bashing the furniture and masturbating in the toilet. On a bad day he would be picking fights with me over anything really and punishing me. Some days I could eat food...some days when dad wanted to punish me he wouldn't allow me to eat lunch. So I would be waiting for mom to come back home from work. Another round of fighting...then dad would be seething, popping his pills and demanding I did my homework with him...I would be ridiculed, humiliated, called names and was supposed to be "girl wonder" and do calculus in under 5 minutes or "else"...I once was hit because I rolled my eyes and dad took this as a personal insult...another time I was called names because it took me too long to drink a glass of water instead of doing my homework with him...he thought I was trying to humiliate him and "waste his time".

Age 12 my dad grabbed a knife and went for my mom. It was my birthday. I stood between them crying and pleading for him to kill ME instead of her. Both parents didn't bother. My mother was egging him on and my dad didn't notice him. Once the "crisis" was over, mother decided she "didn't love him any more" and started sleeping in another room, effectively denying him sex for the rest of his life. It worked for a while...but then sex hungry dad had to look for another "way out"...

My mentally unstable aunt (mom's sister) had got her divorce at that time and moved in with us. Soon dad started playing with her weak mind. He played "therapist" and feeding her pills as well. After a while she couldn't make a move without him. She started tormenting me and siding with him on every possible occasion. She was equally abusive. In fact, in order to be in his good books, she often made up stories, or disclosed personal stuff to him and created arguments where she would play out the innocent victim and I would be penalised. A little while after that, they started having sex in the house. The hormones were flying although I couldn't really understand what was going on. My mom was pretty ok with the whole deal. She would come back from work and lock herself up in her room. Aunt was running the show together with dad...I asked my mother a million times to leave, I told her he was hurting me, I told her he was constantly bringing me down and calling me names...she told me to "shut up" and close the door behind me...

When my aunt grew old or too mentally unstable (she suddenly saw the light and turned to God...) I was 17...my dad started controlling everything he could control about me. His constant fear was that I would be dating or meeting boys. And so he attacked my self worth with a vengeance. He would call me ugly or incapable and his favorite motto was that I would NEVER EVER be loved by men because I was so worthless, never get married or have kids and that HE could see the real, ugly, me...I hated myself. I had no self worth. I would lie in bed at night dreaming of the knight in shining armour to come save me. I liked boys but I felt that nobody could ever like me back...I was constantly heart broken...a simple rejection would send me running for cover. I had no friends because I had no people skills. My parents had alienated EVERYBODY and so I never knew how it felt to be authentic around people. Plus I was not really allowed to go out...

At 17 my dad would force me to sit next to him while he watched TV. He would look at scantily dressed women in garter belts and then look at me with a sexual, hungry look in his face and ask me if I found that woman beautiful. If I didn't want to respond he would say "you are jealous...why don't you want to admit that you will NEVER be like that?" and then go to the bathroom and you've guessed it...masturbate!!! I had menstrual cycle problems caused by stress, and my father would take me to the doctors and insist he was in front while they were scanning me...he would look at my naked belly...and then once, I had severe bleeding out of the blue and he forced me to sit on all fours so that he would "examine" me. He was a doctor after all. I pleaded that I was taken to hospital for an examination. He wouldn't hear of it...He took my underwear down and touched my vagina with his fingers. It hurt so much. It only took a few seconds but it felt like rape. He humiliated me. He had TOTAL control over my body. Another time, while I was wearing a v-necked top, he commented how my veins showed (on my chest) and that this meant I would lactate quite a bit when I got pregnant...he then kept commenting on my breasts and veins every time I wore something like that. So I started hiding myself. Always wore jeans and turtle necks. Or t-shirts in the summer...I was scared to show any skin...

To cut this very very long story short, I had no support whatsoever. I left home when I was 18 and went to study abroad for over 7 years. I didn't want to return so I got a job. My self esteem was shattered. I went from one abusive relationship to the next. I had problems sleeping, with my female identity, with constant day-dreaming and avoiding reality...you name it. I got depressed...and then I returned back home cause dad was diagnosed with cancer and I was supposed to help out. So I move back in and all hell breaks loose. It took me another 6 years and a lot of abuse to be able to extricate myself from their grasp. Oh, by the way I got date raped as well...thought I'd mention that. Because I picked the wrong men and thought they would love me...
I'm on therapy constantly and when I realised how my life has been, how much life I wasted and what happened to me, what TRULY happened to me I collapsed. Right now I am living with my boyfriend who is a great man, God sent him to me and he knows about everything and supports me through everything. I have minimal contact with my folks but I cannot seem to be able to start living. It feels like I'm in limbo land, not able to go back, unable to move forward still...And the worse part is the immense guilt...the guilt I experience...I have flashbacks of the abuse and also flashbacks of what I DID to compromise my own happiness. And sure I didn't know any better but it still hurts. But I am fighting...

So this is my story...I hope some people can relate and perhaps I can help them through sharing. And if you have the time, please pray for me because I am not out of the dark woods yet. Thank you all!

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Natasha

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May 18, 2011

Tasha:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me. Something I learned about myself a long time ago that really was a breakthrough for me was that I didn't need the approval of my parents to move forward in my life. That I didn't need to have a relationship with either of them. In fact, the best thing I ever did for my Self was to draw a line in the sand and put distance between me and each of them. But it also meant finding what I needed from them...and then giving it to my Self. I also came to understand that what they had said about me, the name-calling, the rejection, were all lies. And when I realized that I had a choice not to believe the lies, then things began to change in my life. Perhaps this can help you along your road toward healing and recovery.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

May 19, 2011

Such cruelty
by: Anonymous

Natasha, your parents and even your relatives (especially your aunt) are so twisted and messed up in their own ways of thinking that they don't even know how to take care of themselves, never mind be parents/relatives to you. Something's seriously wrong with them and they should've known better and loved and cherished you. Oh, and they are wrong. You are not ugly; you are beautiful. You are not unlovable; you are lovable. You are not worthless; you are worthy of love, dignity and respect. Never believe any of those lies that they were spewing. Oh, and shame on your mom for running way from you instead of protecting you from those beasts for a father and an aunt! I am just as disgusted by her reaction towards you trying to tell her on your dad for cheating on her and stuff; I hate women who choose men over their own children because children should always come first. Oh, and most people who treat others the way you were treated often do it out of jealousy because they could never be such a shining star that you are. Oh, and you are not to blame for their sadistic, ignorant behavior; they are to blame because they chose to abuse, offend and torture you. You were the child; they were the adults; they had all the power and only misused it over you. Oh, and they should be fired and then institutionalized for all those terrible crimes that they committed against you because you did nothing wrong. Oh, and I'm glad that your current boyfriend is with you now because he is so sweet for doing that; I just hope that you try counselling and that you look into reporting those beasts to the police.

May 19, 2011

LOVE will be your winner: You'll be fine because you want to be loved
by: maurice

Natasha: you are one very special woman, honest, open and true to yourself: What a house to be born into: A professional man Doctor off his trolly: and a mother mentally unstable: You are a remarkable woman: Let Go NOW: move on, begin Today to live your life to the full with the Boy-friend who is loveing, valueing, respecting, a listener, a comforter: Together get some form of counselling together so you both will have the advantage of knowing the real effects of that horrible abuse you endured: Start with yourself, your therapist will gently put it all in perspective for you then ask would it be okay if your boyfriend sat in on a few sessions: They'll advice what is best for both of you: Natasha, you have opened up Darlene's nature and heart to the degree she made you a comment that is genuinely her truth: The truth set her free, Breakthrough's are ever so real and important her's will help you: Once a child of abuse reaches adulthood or are old enough to say I have enough of this then they need no one's permission to live there life to the full: Especially screwed up parentrs who abused them: Natasha be brave: Be strong: maybe in time you'll connect with those bad bad parent's: stop worrying: if you never do: Live one day at a time now: live it to the full: walk tall: walk straight| walk the world right in the eye: Put a real value on Darlene's comment to you from her woman's heart: She meant it for you personally: Have a healthy miond in a healthy body; Jogging being part of a group will sure help you there sure maybe your not to old to kick or throw a balll around with your own age group in a team: why not Natasha: get that boyfriend having a helathy mind in a healthy body too: Be in charge of your own destiny and life;

May 20, 2011

Thank you
by: Natasha

Thank you all for your kind words of encouragement. I am going to contemplate hard on every thing each of you said because I felt your kindness! Thank you for showing that kindness and extending a helping hand to reach out to me and lift me up! This honest caring, that doesnt ask for anything back in return made me feel very good!
Anonymous, I wanted to report them but it is too late now. Both parents are too old now to be taken to court. They are pensioners and are not practicing medicine any more thank God. They are also in no contact with any chidlren as I am the youngest in my extended family and both my sister and I do not have children, nor does my cousin (I only have one cousin from fathers side). This story will end with me and I will break the cycle of abuse even if it is the last thing that I do!
The last thing I wanted to share Maurice is that you are absolutely right. I need to move forward! I need to keep on going because those things were lies. I found the strength through the support of my therapist and also you survivors, to ask my mother exactly what was wrong with my father. I knew he had severe mental health issues but I needed to know exactly "what" because that way, I could stop blaming myself for not "understanding" him better.
I found out that he is suffering from severe psychosis! Which is an umbrella term for some serious disorders that she didnt want to disclose. She told me that he was a hypocondriac and believed he was ill and that's why he was getting angry because he wasnt able to follow his dreams.She told me his anger was perfectly justified.
So I am going to follow your advice Darlene. Now its my time to draw a line in the sand. You are perfectly correct. Validation is not needed. Although I do feel sorry for my father having to endure such a life of suffering and pain, and I feel sorry for my mother that wanted to protect her mind, I do not feel sorry for the adults that should have been responsible! And this distinction is what will make a great difference.
Thank you all for reading this. And God be with you!

May 26, 2011

Empathy
by: Elaine Ellis

Natasha,

Reading your story brought back memories for me.
Mental health issues in a family are seriously difficult. Even now,mental health problems remain a scary, musunderstood Taboo.

Your story leapt out at me, as there were elements similar to my own. I grew up with a mother who has Bi-Polar Disorder, and a father who, although not formally diagnosed as mentally ill, clearly had serious emotional instability issues of his own. Both my parents, like yours, were people who, supreficially appeared highly intelligent and succesful. My father has his own Engineering business that he built from scratch, and he lectured in Engineering; my mother was a Civil Servant with a Grammar School education.

I think the very fact that they appeared so clever and succesful allowed them to hide their family problems from the outside world. I don't know if you would agree, but I personally believe that when a very intelligent person has mental health problems, they can be much more cold and calculating, and far more manipulative than some other sufferers. They can become very adept at trying to disguise their problem, and get very angry with anyone who might "expose" them. They become obsessed with trying to maintain the false "self" that they are attempting to present to the rest of society. Only their family get to see what they are really like.

When someone in a family has mental health issues, it can make life very difficult for EVERYONE concerned. (My own mother appeared to suffer delusions, some of which were about me.) The symptoms of their mental illness can make them difficult to deal with and understand, and be around. Particulalry if they refuse to take medication, or forget to take it. Or worse, if they don't seek assistance and diagnosis at all. Sometimes they "self-medicate". Sounds like your father did this by prescribing himself tablets. My mother self-medicated with bottle-loads of Bacardi!

The other thing is that many people just do not understand mental health issues, or the effect they can have on families. So when a person is abused by a family member with mental health issues, it's so hard to get help. Besides, how do you speak out against your own parents? I remember calling the Police because of my dad abusing me. But when they asked me to report him, I couldn't, as I felt so guilty. So I can imagine you would have found it just as hard to speak out against your parents.

So, I figure your parents were wrong. You are bright, determined and attractive. You have made a life for yourself, free from abusers. Yes, it took time to get there, but you achieved it.

If you think it might help, I have told my own story on Open Space, so you could read it if you like. I've always been puzzled by the link between my own parents' mental instability, and their abuse. You seem to have similar questions. I hope that I might be able to answer some.

Jul 07, 2011

Thank you and I apologise for taking so long to reply
by: Natasha

Thank you so much! I apologise for taking SO long to respond to your comment life got in the way...You are absolutely right! When highly intelligent people have mental health issues, they can get away with literally murder. My dad had very good people skills and very good use of vocabulary which was considered as a sign of superiority. He could baffle you and confuse you with his arguments which to the untrained ear sounded LOGICAL and could explain away ANY bizarre behavior to the world! He had a ton of excuses ready and waiting and they all made perfect sense...To those of course that didnt have to live with him on a daily basis.
People like our parents obviously distance themselves from the world, keeping up appearances and being aloof so as to not get disclosed. My dad had an air of superiority, pretended he was so "upper class" and busy that neighbours literally thought what came out of his mouth was gospel truth! It also helped that my mother would NEVER openly defy him in front of others but would nodd sheepishly in agreement with whatever lie he happened to be saying at the time. I was also confused cause he used just enough "truth" to confuse you and get you thinking "could what he is saying be actually true? I mean he HAS an argument, he makes valid points...". BUT his manipulation had no bounds and its part of some mental health conditions that people ARE able to sustain an argument that kind of makes sense but if you distance yourself enough you see that their logic is riddled with inconsistencies and lies and "magical" thinking as I call it and the have ZERO proof for what they are saying. They take whatever comes into their minds as the ABSOLUTE truth and act out from that!
Mental health problems is considered taboo in Greece big time. I was unable to talk about it because society round here believes that it rubs off on you 100% and you can never get free from the stigma. I lost quite a few friends and men back in the days when I would disclose SOME of the information cause they thought I was BOUND to be "crazy" myself. The men thought I would have "crazy" children and they didnt want to take that risk! It didnt matter that I was on therapy, it didnt matter that things dont work this way. 50% is genetic but the other 50% is up to YOU and a stable home IS ENOUGH to stop a mental health problem from arising OR getting worse (if that is you have one to begin with!!). But I learned that one has to accept that some people ARE indeed afraid of the "unknown" and cannot deal with situations like that and its ok. They are not to be blamed. They just dont know. Now I have friends who completely understand and I can be myself with them and those who dont want to socialise with me then I bid them fare-well and I move on. I will DEFINITELY read your story because I do believe it will be very helpful. Thank you for taking the time to answer. Thank you for your honesty. We ARE survivors and we ARE HERE.

Jul 07, 2011

To Elaine2
by: Natasha

Ahm, ok, dont know what open space is, tried googling it and I got a trillion different web pages!! If you read this please let me know which open space web page you are referring to.Sorry about that...:(

From Darlene - Webmaster: Natasha, Elaine has an openspace page here on this site, which I've now closed, except for those whom I've already created a page. You can read her posts at: http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/elaines-room.html

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

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