Child Abuse Story From Name Undisclosed18

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

Endless Abuse: 
My story is very long and very convoluted, but I need to tell it. I was born to a paranoid-schizophrenic mother (only was she recently medicated for this) and a father with PTSD (from the Vietnam War) and depression. Needless to say, I had a very wild childhood. My mother would be afraid that random people/government agencies were out to get her, sleep most of the day, and was quick to anger. She was even quicker to hit.

I remember many a time doing nothing bad, and something else had upset her and if I even looked at her the wrong way I was slapped or had my hair pulled. She would beat me like someone would beat a person in a bar fight. Slaps, kicks, pulls, punches, nothing was off the table. She physically abused me from about 3 (from when I first remember) until I was 15 (when I finally had the courage to hit her back). My father worked very long and crazy hours, and never saw the abuse. I was afraid to tell him, because I thought my mom would get me worse the next time he went to work had he confronted her. I have two younger siblings, but for some reason or another my mother fixated on me, perhaps because I look the most like her (I wish I knew).

Another part of my mother's abuse took place during my parents' divorce when I was 12. My mother accused my father of molesting me to gain leverage in the divorce. I was questioned about it, and I could never recollect it. They flat out lied to everyone and gave me a complex. It's like she molested me by making it up. The whole story she made up (like anyone with her condition) was totally unbelievable. For one, she said I told it to my grandmother (her mother). The only person in this world I fear more than my own mother is hers, so I knew then that it was a lie. I never spoke to my grandma for the fear of the same abuse that came from my mother. Being I was twelve, this still deeply hurt me and I didn't know what to think or who to trust.

This led me to fall into a deep depression. She kept trying to feed me her crazy lies about my father, telling me he did everything short of start WWII. She would take me to the doctor's to "make sure" I was still a virgin and that I wasn't lying to her. She accused me of doing drugs and having sex on a day to day basis, yet I just went to school and was allowed a very small social life. The "prison" she kept me in had dire consequences when I was 14.

She had me on such a tight leash when I was 14 that the internet was my only outlet. I met a man on a message board in the summer of '01, when I had just graduated 8th grade. My mother wouldn't let me hang out with my friends from school (I might be having sex and doing drugs, which later turned out to be a self-fulfilling prophesy), so I confided in this man. He was 22, and lived in Tennessee. He wasn't your average predator; he worked up to his crime for 6 months.

Many people knew of his attraction to me. My mother knew and even his entire family knew. No one tried to stop this. My mother was even somewhat welcoming to him when he stopped by for an unsuspected visit. I couldn't even stop myself from it. I knew it was wrong, but when your mother has made your life a living hell for 14 years, even a pervert looks like a better option. I tried "breaking up" with him, only to run back to him every time my mother started up again.

He was very obsessive over me. He saved every IM chat we ever had, printed out every email, scanned every letter, framed pictures of me to hang on his wall, and even recorded my voicemails. He even made a website (that was up until I was 18) professing his love for me. He constantly talked of marrying me once I was of age to do and promised to keep me from my mother (it was so promising).

I had my relations with him when I was a few days short of 15, so when my mother found out, all hell broke loose. I had unruly charges pressed on me for "letting it happen" (as my mother put it) and was beaten repeatedly. I felt remorse for what I had done, and even worse, that a man was going to prison because of me. My mom made me feel like I was a slut. She told her family in great detail what had happened to me, and I then became the black sheep.

I feel into a deep depression. I attempted suicide twice, cut all over my arms and legs, and had to be hospitalized twice. The only good thing that came after all this darkness was that my father came back into my life again. He couldn't believe what my mother had let happen to me. He even knew that my mother invited this kind of thing. He was my only support during those times, since my siblings went with my mom's thoughts and I was nothing but a slut.

Now the after effect of all the abuse...

I am now 22, with a child of my own with a very loving man. I however still show the signs of an abused person. I was heavily addicted to numerous substances (anything I could get my hands on) from the age of 16-20 and got into promiscuous sex around the same time. I've resorted to hurting myself in other ways now, mostly self neglect. I am losing my teeth as well as being severely underweight. I still do drugs on occasion. I refuse to go to the doctor for anything. I am withdrawn and quiet most of the time. I only confide in a few people who truly know what I have been through.

I want to break the cycle. I do not want to become my mother. I've become something I know I was not meant to be because of all of the abuse, and I am trying to pull my way through it. I feel almost as if I am beyond any kind of help. I need to do this for my daughter, she deserves the happy childhood her mother never had. I do not want to live vicariously through her or control her every move, because I feel as if I would be my mother. I just want her to have what I was denied all these years.

If someone knows of the proper way of someone like me getting help, I'd be glad to hear anything. Thank you for reading my life story.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

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