Child Abuse Story From Name Undisclosed

by Name Undisclosed13
(Location Undisclosed)

My life my story: 
One of my first memories is of my cousin touching me. He was much older. I knew it did not feel right, but feared him telling my mom. She would have beaten me had she thought I "played bad."

I am from a family of 10. My parents were divorced and my mom was poor. She did all she could for us kids. But we went to bed hungry many times. Mom would hit me so hard across the back or the back of my head.

At times my dad would come to visit. She never let her anger show when he was around. Later I would learn he had been abusive himself. So I gather she feared what he would do had he known.

Anyways, my cousin would force me to have oral sex with him, always escalating to new and even more perverted acts. I can remember the pain I would have afterward. My mom would put cold wash cloths on my privates, but never try to find the cause.

When I was 9 years old she beat me severely (for something I hadn't done) that I ran to my grandmother. While she was very angry, there just didn't seem to be much she could do to help. She was too afraid that my mom would leave and she wouldn't have any contact with her. All the while, the sexual abuse was getting much worse. I felt like I was dirty. Like it was all my fault. I was picked on in school. I knew if I told a teacher what was going on they would just tell my mom. And then I would really get it.

I started my period that year. Now I really feared my cousin. He said "it was okay to put it in me now". I remember feeling like I would die. I did everything I could to stay away from him. I would sleep with my mom when he was around. I stayed at my brother's house every chance I got or with my aunt who lived out of town. My mom's abuse continued and I eventually asked to live with my dad. But he told me no. This was devastating. My brother lived with him, and my sisters were permitted to spend the summers with him.

When I was 12, another brother committed suicide. I am ashamed to admit it, but I used this as my out. I began to stay overnight at my friend's more and more, eventually living with them. Until my sister talked me into going home. I was led to believe my mom was ill. Later to find out the child support would be stopped if I didn't go back.

I became sexually active at the age of 13. I smoked, drank, and did any drug I could find. I quit school when I was 14, finding a full time job. I would give my mom the money. I think now looking back I just wanted her to be proud of me.

I would have a miscarriage that year. The first of many. I lied to my now husband about my age. I lied about everything I could. I have overdosed, cut my own wrist and have thought about drowning myself. I went and got my GED when I was 16. And during these years there was my cousin. Everyone's baby.

I continued on in life longing for forgiveness. I eventually had three daughters, married my long-time boyfriend, went to college, and live a productive life. My mom has since passed away. I never got to hear her say she loved me. I did however ask my dad what I did to make him hate me. He has yet to answer. I might mention I protect my girls. I may not be a perfect parent, but they know they are loved.

I have never told anyone about my cousin. That is something I probably will never do. I am able to forgive him and allow the Lord to punish him. I just want everyone to know when bad things happen to you and there is nowhere to turn you can always turn to God. I thank Him for everything good in my life. I even thank Him for giving me the strength to carry on. WE ARE NEVER TRULY ALONE.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.