Child Abuse Story From My Inner Child

by My Inner Child
(Texas, USA)

My parents divorced when I was nearly 2, leaving my mom to almost instantly meet another guy who became my step-dad. They married when I was nearly 5 and I am told that he loved to play with me and did so very often. I remember none of this but if that is true it stopped abruptly because I have no real memory of either of my main care-takers playing with me. I feel now that he was grooming me. It disgusts me to even type that word, because I know the horrid meaning. I feel like he was putting on a front with my mom to impress her and get me to trust him.

Both of my parents were very mean to me...emotionally and sometimes physically. I was their scape goat.

The sexual abuse started, from what I can honestly recall, when I was about a sophomore in high school. I have a lot of shame about it happening then because to this day I tell myself, "I should have been smart enough to stop it". But honestly, I was frozen. So shocked, I was frozen and couldn't move or talk. At first he would walk in on me while I was dressing or showering. This progressed to him asking me to "model" any swimsuits or dresses I purchased. Then he started asking me to massage him. Then he started buying me bras and would bring them home requesting me to try them on to ensure they fit right. Of course none of this happened when my mom was home (she worked a lot and went to school), except not giving me privacy. He made it a rule that no doors could be locked anywhere in the house except the front door, so if he wanted in, I had no control over it. Throughout all of this, he also would find ways to rub up against me - like carrying in groceries or passing in the hall.

There are 2 instances where I recall for certain, that I declare where I was sexually abused without a doubt and today, I say that was one too many. I used to think that just because I could only remember two, that I was "lucky" and it wasn't all that bad. I now know its likely I can't recall a lot and even just ONCE can really mess up a person. (I want to scream as I write this).

One time when he took me to school, it was sort of cold and I was wearing a skirt. As we were waiting for the car to heat up, he asks if I know the warmest part of my body. I say my head. He says actually, its between your legs. I felt really weird at that time. He then says let me put my hands between your legs to get them warm and you can do the same to me. I didn't put my hands on him but he put his on mine and I sat there for what felt like forever and finally said I didn't think that was a good idea. He didn't touch me on my vulva, from what I remember, but it was close and definitely inappropriate. The other time, I was asleep and a figure opened my bedroom door, illuminating it by the hall light. I woke up and heard this figure walking to my bed. Of course I was terrified so I just lay there not really knowing what to do. I was also half asleep and thought maybe it was a dream, so I pretended to sleep to see what this figure would do. They waited a bit and then sat down on my bed and unbuttoned my pajama top. I rolled over and said no. They sat there again and they must have stayed there long enough for me to fall back asleep because I woke up to this person touching my bare breasts. I said No again, this time really angrily and they left. I said to myself, "I can't believe he did that", knowing full well who it was. After all, it was just the 3 of us living in the house. Who else was a male? I was in therapy at the time for rage issues (wonder why?!) and I told my therapist what happened. She of course wanted to speak to my mom and when she told my mom, she never ever acknowledged me. Not one single time. She did however ask him and he of course denied it but they got into a huge fight. It was never brought up again but his gross behavior continued until I moved out.

My step-brother (his son) is also another perpetrator for me. He abused me sexually when I was 4 and he was 8/9. I am pretty certain that is the first time I gave oral sex and I believe this is why, to this day, it is VERY difficult for me. I am still working on trying to come to grips with this, as we were both kids. However, it affected me. I am exceptionally sensitive to certain smells and being touched. In time...

I have done a lot of therapy and personal work on my abuse. My abuse has led to me having a Sex and Love Addiction (it's real, folks) with my addiction being mostly Love Avoidant. I am working on connecting in healthy ways with men in close relationships. However, sex is no big deal...I guess because it doesn't mean much to me. My abuse has led me to date men that have abused me, put myself into 2 situations where I was raped and contributed heavily to an inability to manage my anger.

I have done both individual and group therapies for my abuse and I can say yes, I have healed some. But I'm not 100%. This has for sure messed with me mentally. I fear having kids of my own some day because I know you can't protect your kids all the time, 24-7. I also would never want to leave them alone at my parents, so I would have to work around that. I am also very nervous around kids, since my recovery. I am hyper-sensitive to everything I do or say. I guess because I want to make sure I am as healthy and appropriate with every child I meet...making sure they feel safe around me...even if it is 5 min. I just want to really express I am a good person, you know? I guess because sometimes I feel like I'm just not. Residual feelings I suppose. And what is weird is I have an extensive background working with kids (not doing it currently) and none of this hyper-sensitivity ever came up prior to recovery. I guess it just opens up stuff for me. I hate it sometimes because I feel like the bad guy for even thinking of my own abuse around kids. But I guess if I'm healing it might be natural. I also ask God to bless and protect each child I come in contact with because I wished someone would have done that for me.

My feeling of "not good" has really affected my relationships but I'm working really hard to make changes. I start an anger management class soon and I just think my recovery will be ongoing. At least I'm working to break and change patterns.

If you even have a hint of wondering if you were, I really send you a virtual hug, and want you to know, it will arrive when you are ready. And nothing, I mean nothing is ever worse than the actual acts. Remembering might be hard but the worst is over.

Light and love to anyone reading this.

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Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.

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