Child Abuse Story From Mike Part 2

by Mike
(Oklahoma, USA)

Is it my imagination? - Part 2: 
I was reading some of the other stories and it made me wonder...I do have rages. I never project them at my wife or kids but I know it's not pleasant to be around...I feel guilty about everything! You could accuse me of anything, and in my own mind I question myself if I did it. It drives me nuts. Employers I have worked for I told as I hired on I am that way. I was subject to constant drug tests and I would tell them I don't use.

I'm excessively honest, probably due to being constantly accused of lying. I never have been one to offer excuses or to defend myself in confrontations. But at the same time, as I put up with ridicule from the lower management, I eventually tire of it and it always comes down to little scrawny me threatening to beat up my boss. I never have been fired, though. I guess because I work very hard. Also, I forgot to mention in my earlier post (see Part 1 of Mike's story): Mom often would get me to tell her something in secrecy, then she would tell Dad, which got me into trouble big time. I remember her having an evil smile after I told her something...Dread for the knowing what I was in for.

One time she asked me to go help Dad. I told her I didn't want to help the *** and she slapped my face hard. It hurt more emotionally than physically. My life as early as I can remember has always been uncontrollable emotionally. I feel weak for crying, then mad at myself. It led to self abuse in the forms of just being very critical, to embracing pain and depression. My wife says even now that I just like being depressed, but I don't do it on purpose. It can just be so overwhelming!

My life is much better now that I live on my own with my family. I just can't seem to move on for some reason. I have tried to talk about it to my family, but they seem indifferent. It makes me feel angry with myself for mentioning it.

I suffered for a long time with violent thoughts and images, which are mostly gone now. I have never hurt anyone, nor do I intend to. I would not let myself! I feel bad for hurting someone's feeling and guilt will linger for days. I must be nuts.

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