Child Abuse Story From Michelle

by Michelle
(Rose Hill, North Carolina, USA)

I was 15 years old when my dad raped me, but the abuse started long before then, I just hadn't realized it. My earliest recollection is from when I was 5 or 6 years old. It started out with him exposing himself to me "accidentally." Then it turned into games, but the games would be more fun if I had my pants off, he said. Then he would pay me nightly visits.

I would wake up to find him lifting up my panties and looking at me down there. The looking turned into touching. He asked me if I wanted to be his "special girl." He told me I was so special and well, it made me feel special. He said this is what dads did with special girls. He told me if I told, I would be in trouble and I would never be able to see him again. I loved my dad. I didn't want him to leave.

He would fondle me in my sleep and would cause me to wake up. He performed oral sex on me and made me lick his penis. He would also stick it in my mouth and down my throat. He did other things with me, but I will spare the details. I don't remember how long this went on. I think it may have stopped at some point.

When I was about 10 years old, the "accidental" exposures started happening again. I know things must have stopped because I remember being startled by this. He would also always walk in on me when I was taking a bath or shower, saying he had to get something and that he wouldn't look. He always looked. He would walk in on me when I would be using the restroom as well.

I remember some mornings I would wake up to find my panties twisted, leaving me exposed. I never knew why. When I became a teenager, I became very uncomfortable with the way he looked at me. My friends even asked me about it, but I had no recollection of any abuse. Then, I would wake up to him rubbing me with my shirt up or him looking at me down there. It was starting again. He would tell me how pretty I was and he bet all the boys at school wanted me.

Then one morning, he inserted his finger inside of me and performed oral sex and then raped me. I screamed, but no one heard. He covered my mouth. He told me if I told, he would kill me and my mother. The rapes continued and became more violent and demented. He told me I had asked for it and that I wanted it. He told me I was a whore for letting him do this to me. He told me no one would want me now. Finally, I told him I didn't care if he killed me and that if he did it again, I would tell. I left home shortly after that.

I realize now that he was setting me up for this my entire life. I believed the things he said about me, and I carried that shame and guilt around with me ever since. I always wondered what was wrong with me. I believed my dad loved me, so I must have done something wrong to have brought this on myself. I still struggle with these things, but am trying to turn my thinking around.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Michelle" are at the link below.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.