Child Abuse Story From Mel

by Mel
(United Kingdom)

I'm 19 years old. I used to live with my mum, dad and two brothers. My dad was an abusive alcoholic and my mum worked most nights in a nursing home. All I can remember about my dad is that he would come into my room at night, wake me up and strip me of my clothes, he would then tie my wrists to my bed and feel me and lick me all over. Sometimes he would put his fingers inside me.

When it was my 6th birthday I remember him saying he was going to change things and made me start to touch him and 'play' his games. This carried on most nights when my mum was working about an hour away from where we lived. If I wanted to do something with friends I would have to pay for it first, and most times I didn't do a good enough job so I wasn't allowed to go out in the end. To me this was normal, but I hated it and wished that it would stop.

For my 12th birthday he said he wanted to give me a present, and asked me to wait for him in his bedroom when Mum had gone out. He gave me something to drink, which I now know to be vodka, and he put himself inside me. All I could think of was the pain and the feeling that I wanted to die there and then. He did this about once a week, until a few months later on New Year's Day when he was drunk and he stormed out. I tried to tell my mum some of the things that he had been doing. She told me to grab a bag and she helped my two brothers get some things together. We ended up going to stay with my mum's friend. My mum sat me down and told me that she had called the police, but I thought that the police were coming for me and that I had done something wrong, so I told them that I made it all up.

After I while we moved back into our old house, but he wasn't there, and I had to go to counselling, but I really didn't like the woman so I stopped going.

I started to cut and make myself sick so that I could cope with everything (I still cut and make myself sick). But after a while I began going out and started to live a normal life. I constantly told myself that none of it really happened so that I could try and make some sense of everything that was going on in my head: He was supposed to be my dad, and keep me safe, but he didn't.

When I was 16 I started to go out with my friends, drinking. This went on every weekend. I'd go to college with a hangover on the Monday. But I started to get flashbacks of small things and I couldn't really place anything together. I kept getting small flashbacks for a couple of years, until I was 18 and in a pub with a couple of people I hadn't seen since school. But in the pub was my dad, and I really wanted to go and hit him. My friends didn't understand why I was so angry with him. They gave me some tablets and said I would feel better. I took them and then I remember my friends walking me home and away from the pub. When I got home I was paralytic, and my mum wasn't happy.

I don't remember much after that, until the next day when my brother showed me a video on his phone. It was me telling my mum everything about him, and she wrapped herself around me and hugged me. Then the video ended.

I'm not sure what to do next. All I feel is angry and hateful at myself because I let it happen and didn't stop any of it. I hate my mum more because I feel that she should have known about it before I tried to tell her on New Year's. I recently tried to kill myself; I slit my wrists and took an overdose. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to think or feel like.

Thank you for reading this...peace out

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