Child Abuse Story From Mark Part 3

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Child Abuse Story From Mark Part 3

by Mark
(Amherst, Massachusetts, USA)

In earlier posts (see Part 1 and Part 2 of Mark's story) I talked about the beatings I suffered in the name of discipline. Despite how painful these were, I think that it was the accompanying psychological and emotional abuse that are the real source of the difficulties I have relating to people and the depression that I suffer from.

It was scary enough to be standing in front of my mom practically naked, knowing that shortly I would be kicking and screaming as she beat me with a wooden spoon. But to feel the anger and hostility in her voice as she yelled at me, telling me that I was worthless, ungrateful and this time I was going to get a spanking that "would really teach me a lesson and that I would not soon forget", that would make me shake with fear.

It is that fear, that fear, that has stuck with me. I do not want to get yelled at like that again, so I always feel like I am walking on eggshells around people in authority.

She would also use humiliation and embarrassment as part of the punishment. I was spanked bare bottom in front of friends, relatives, even on the beach and in stores. Once when I was around eight, for reasons I do not know, I got into the habit of not changing my underwear. Well, my mom finally became tired of it and decided that she would make sure that I started to get changed at night. I had to bring my new clothes downstairs, and in front of my parents and my brothers, I had to take off all my clothes. Before I could get dressed, I had to ask permission to take the dirty clothes upstairs and to get dressed when I came back down. It seemed like an eternity standing naked in front of them as I awaited their permission. This went on for almost a whole week before my mom asked if I had learned my lesson and would get changed every night. I was so embarrassed I stared at the floor the whole time and just mumbled if they said anything to me.

The wounds and pain from the physical abuse are gone, but there are still deep wounds from the emotional and psychological abuse.

Note from Darlene: The volume of contributor submissions has now made it impossible for me to comment personally (especially in great detail) on each and every contribution. If I haven't left you a comment or one that is in-depth, please do not take my lack of a personal response as a slight, or as a statement that your story is somehow unworthy of my time. Nothing, and I do mean nothing, could be further from the truth. If there was a way for me to respond to all of you at length, I would.

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Child Abuse Story From Mark Part 3

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Apr 27, 2009

Your wounds can heal...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Yes, Mark, emotional abuse does leave the deepest wounds; wounds that can re-open and fester throughout ones life. Your basic needs were not met; instead, betrayal and abandonment were what you came to know and experience over and over again. The method of "discipline" left you feeling rejected and terrorized. Basic needs are needs that must be met, otherwise dysfunction occurs, even well into adulthood.

What I've learned is that we must give ourselves what we didn't receive as children. We must tell ourselves that the lessons of not being good enough, etc. were lies. And then we must replace all the negative messages with positive ones. Once we learn to do that, we can better stand up for ourselves, both in the face of authority and in general day to day living. Naming and understanding what you experienced is the first step, Mark. Once you acknowledge that, the next step is re-programming yourself with the truth:

"I AM good enough."
"I AM worthy."
"I DESERVE dignity and respect."
"I DID NOT deserve to be humiliated."
"I DID NOT deserve to be shamed."
"I DID NOT deserve to be rejected."

Keep adding to the list, Mark. And keep repeating the list to yourself, like a mantra. Meditate on the list until you believe it all.

Thank you for sharing more of your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 27, 2009

In view of the past...
by: Linda Settles

Sometimes, Mark, I feel like I am standing on the pinnacle of a lofty mountain, looking back on the journey I have traveled to get there. I see dark patches of danger and spangles of light. I have come along way and I am grateful for my progress and for all those who have helped me along the way. And yet, when I look to the right and to the left, I see that there are other moutains yet to climb. Other obstances in paths that beacon still--"Come up higher."

That is where I believe you are today. You have come a long way, Mark, and are not about to bow out now. You are on a healing journey and nothing can hold you back. Not depression. Not the lies that whisper inside your head. Nothing and no one can defeat you now. But the journey isn't over. It may never be over this side of eternity.

The important thing is to measure your progress in the light of your histor and be gracious to yourself when you think you don't "measure up."

I am proud of you and I know Darlene is as well. You are a victorious survivor! Not a perfect one (there ain't no sech thang) but a triumphant one.

God bless you as you climb!
Love,
Linda

Apr 27, 2009

God Danced the day you were born.
by: Maurice

Through my journeying with young people and their families for over 4o years now, I have walked with young people with low self esteem simply because many parents keep telling who the not rather then the beautiful person they rteally. especially when the humiliate them while correcting them. Not helping them to have good and high self esteem of themselves and these were not beaten/spanked on their bare bottoms naked just been put down each time the parent wanted to correct them. Mark no comparrisons but if one is put down in such a humiliating way the it is ONLY NATURAL that we don't see ourselves beautiful. The wooden spoon geberation of Parents especially Mothers will never know the damage they did in the formula's they used like undressing the child first and then beating their petite cheeks without mercy until they were fully satisfied in themselves. This form of abuse has lasting memories. Yes the shame of being seen naked by the parent or the guardian onec we noticed this then that was more humiliating and played on many a mind for years after. It even still does in mine from time tio time. At sixty two that is how damaging it. Mark, good on you for telling your story in three steps, very brave and only when you had the courage and was ready to do it. Darlene sure gave you true loving words of what help to seek in all of her comments to your three brave attempts. Mark, Begin to have a good wholesome, holistic mirror image of yourself. Using Darlene Mantra's I am good enough, I am worthy, I deserve dignity and respect. Hi Mark,begin with having respect and dignity for yourself by building up positive thinking mantras for yourself. Here are a few from a page I give the young people I journey called. WHO AM I...? I am amazing, architect of my own destiny. Beautiful both inside and out. Coutageous willing to take chances. Dynamic evr changing and growing. Enthuastic about living and loving life. Grateful for each and every day. Intuitive, looking within for answers. Kindhearted, reaching out to others. Lovable, exactly as I am. Miraculous A child of the Universe. Now, here fully in this moment. Optimistic, anything is possible. Powerful, beyond imagination. Quick, to build bridges not walls. Spiritual, having a human experience. Trustworthy, speaking from the heart. Unique, and unrepeatable. Valuable, I make a difference. Xcited, about living and loving life. Zestfull, Happy to be me.
This gives them a big lift up immediately as I explain it during a self reflection meditation. Mark take as much and as little as you can cope with and begin slowly to build your SELF ESTEEM. I like mirrors more so Mark I like and love the person in the mirror. Most important. I am beautiful. Once we acknoledge the beauty of our bodies on the survice level then very slowly but very surely we begin to see the beauty within us. Only I can make myself beautiful. I'M SPECIAL> I KNOW IT> I BELIEV IT. Era go on Mark begin today.

Apr 28, 2009

public spanking is crushing
by: Scott Canada

Mark...I do know of the the humiliation and shame that you are referring to.I too was spanked/beaten but my abuse was in school in front of a full mixed class and yes on my bare bottom. This abuse that we suffered was crushing.I am so thankful at having a place to share my experiences as well. I am sorry for your suffering Mark. Someday maybe we can all put those demons to rest.Good luck with that everyone.

Apr 28, 2009

Emotional Abuse Continued
by: Mark

Thanks to Darlene and all the others for your kind and helpful comments. I was thinking about emotional and psychological abuse some more and feel that the spankings themselves were emotional as well as physical abuse. While I remember the intense pain of the spankings, what is just as painful are the memories of the interactions between my mother and me. In the midst of the spanking, I would be bawling, pleading and begging her to stop because it hurt so bad, I was sorry and that I would be good. In reply, She would say things like:

" A spanking is supposed to hurt, you are being punished."

" I do not believe you. I think you need to be spanked some more."

" Stop? I have just started, We've got a long way to go before this spanking is over"

While I know that I was not perfect, it was as if my feelings did not matter. She would just continue to beat me, I have no idea what made her finally stop the spanking. Maybe it was my total surrender of just lying across her lap mumbling," My bottom,my poor bottom." It is beyond my comprehension how she could listen to her son bawling and begging her to stop and still continue.

Perhaps the greatest tragedy is that when it was finally over, I would stand there, my hands on bottom, saying " Why mommy? Why did you have to spank me?" I guess I never did learn the lessons she was trying to teach me.

Apr 28, 2009

To Mark:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

You are absolutely right. When a child is being physically abused (or sexually abused or neglected), s/he is ALSO being emotionally abused. That is why emotional abuse is considered the cornerstone of the abuses: it is ALWAYS present with all types of other abuse, but it is the only abuse that can stand on its own.

Spanking taught you that "you weren't good enough" (even though you WERE good enough). And now what you remember of those spankings (besides the pain and humiliation) were the exact words your mother tormented you with. The pain of the emotional scars really are the most difficult to overcome.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Apr 28, 2009

spanking PAIN. Spanking HUMILIATION Spanking EFFECTS
by: Maurice

Mark, I can emphatise with you in all you say and share about being spanked by your mother. Why this most sensitive/petite bottom cheeks area of our anatomy was chosen to be beaten with whatever our parents/guardians/teachers/those in charge of reform schools etc choose is still a mystery to me. Only those of us who received harsh beatings can know the long lasting effects you speak about Mark. Leaving the humiliation aside, the pain inflicted on those tender cheek has lasting effects and cause many questons about it all well into our lives. Sadly many a life was ruined emotionally and mentally because of such beatings and the pain caused by the hand, ruler, wooden spoon, hairbrush etc. I still imagine me over someones knees and the heaviness of whatever falling on my very small bottom cheeks. So Mark your Mother was very wrong to beat you on your bottom cheeks so merciless and at length. With the years I have learned of the 50 or so boys in the school I attended only a small number of us would register with what you share Mark. simply because we have admitted we were abused.

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Child Abuse Story From Mark Part 3

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Child Abuse Story From Mark Part 3