Child Abuse Story From Margot

by Margot
(Arizona, USA)

I'm 38 now, and continue to pay for my mother's abuse. She was a very heavy drinker and would often black out and lash out at me. I've seen her fall down full flights of steps completely naked and ask me if I was attracted to her body. Daily, I was called 'sick', ugly, lazy, no good, 'just like my father', stupid, unwanted, etc. In terror, I've watched her scream about how she hated her life, her kids, and with a knife to her chest scream 'kill me now!'. She would slap and kick at me constantly. To most of the outside world, my mother was a normal, loving parent.

After divorcing my dad, she somehow always had boyfriends. These were people she'd meet in her AA meetings. Unfortunately, her and her boyfriends could rarely stay sober, and these men would terrorize my family often...usually in the middle of the night. One man, in particular, would shout outside the house and soon attempt to knock down one of the doors. A few attempts were successful and I've watched my mother beaten by him. He would also push me across the room and tell me to mind my own business. I was the one who knew to watch out for his breaking in and often stayed up all night on cold floors waiting for him by the door so I could protect myself and my family. Usually, I'd call the police before he could get inside. The neighbors in the area all experienced these episodes and we could sense their disgust of our family. I was humiliated very often. My mother never pressed charges.

As i got older (11 - 17), it was often me who would provide food and safety for my siblings. My mother became increasingly negligent and it became clear we were to fend for ourselves. I had to make my own money doing paper routes, shoveling snow, full landscaping, babysitting, etc. My mother relied on me as if I was her mother...someone to whom she could vent all of her problems. She went from a normal rational person to a completely evil witch in the blink of an eye. During this time I became seriously confused and my peers at school sensed my weakness. That's when the bullying started outside my home life. Its hard to remember how I got through high school. My grades suffered, I would live in fantasy like daydreams to escape the reality of my life. My extended family simply thought I was 'weird' and I probably was. They wanted nothing to do with me and as they began to find out the truth about my abusive mother, they turned a blind eye and never intervened. By the age of 12 my mother married my step-father.

At 14, my step-father, black out drunk, decided to force me to drive him to the local bar. I had no license. The bartender gave me fruity drinks and after about 3 I began to feel drunk. As the bar closed, I remember wondering why we weren't getting ready to leave. It turned out we were to stay after hours as my step-father was long time friends with the bartender. That night i was introduced to cocaine... quite a bit of it. 3 men in their mid 40s cheered and pressured me into doing a foot long line of cocaine on the bar at 3 in the morning. The next thing I remember is crying in my bed.. shaking.. while unable to sleep.

By 16, I was drinking and smoking pot. I learned all about drugs from my mother and now stepfather. Most of my friends abandoned me and I was just about lost. i attempted suicide and woke up in the ER. A week later, I was released from the mental ward. During this time, my mother no longer needed me, and when I would express my unhappiness, she'd tell me 'to just kill myself'. I ran away often and was locked in the attic of the house for weeks at a time. I called the police and child services... but she'd just charm them into believing that the problems were all mine and there was no possible abuse done by her. Finally, I moved out shortly after (somehow) graduating high school with a job waiting tables.

I tried attending college but was nowhere near ready. The few friends I did have were into drugs and and I eventually got involved and was arrested and later spent 10 months in jail. When I was released, I moved 200 miles away from that nightmare.

I found a job and attended college again. This time, I was getting straight As. I started a web business, and worked in a restaurant. Usually, I would only be allowed 5 or 6 hours of sleep per night. My business took off, I quit the job and school, and dedicated the next 8 years of my life to it's success. Luckily, it was and I was able to sell it for millions.

Now what? As I've broken away from the roles of my business and the hard work it involved, the memories of my past have been haunting me and breaking me down all over again. I have no self esteem, I feel hopeless, and have discovered new memories of past abuse. I feel 'bad'.. like a person who doesn't deserve happiness. I've broken all ties with my mother, but her past terror still traumatizes me to this day. I've joined support groups and see a therapist weekly. It seems like its getting worse every day.

Maybe it does get worse before it can get better.

I just hope I can make it that long.

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