Child Abuse Story From Lory

by Lory
(Northwest LA, USA)

Emotionally Abusive Mother: 
If you were on the outside looking in, you would think that my family when I was a child was perfect. We went to church, school, dressed well, fed well, and went on family vacations, nice modest home with a vegetable garden and a few pets. But no one knew the dark side of our family, my mom's crazy fits of rage.

I am the middle child. I have an older sister and younger brother. Our mom and dad are stilled married to this day, but I don't know how Dad but up with Mom all those years.

As a child, I thought Mom was normal. I thought everyone's mom was like that. She would come home from work in a rage of anger, stomping up steps, cussing, yelling, slamming doors. Something always made her mad. We knew on those days, most days, just don't get in her way. She rarely played with us or interacted with us in a loving motherly way. On occasion, maybe, but she would either isolate herself from us or be in one of her 'moods', so most of the happy-time stuff is remembered of Dad.

I remember Mom very frequently proclaiming (loudly) that she wished she never got married and never had kids. She wished she never had me. She must not love me. She would actually tell my brother and sister (the more deviant siblings) that she wished she had an abortion with them.

I was the child that wanted to fix things and make everything better. If I could just be cute enough, sweet enough, clean enough, draw cheesy pictures and make silly crafts, play with her hair or rub her back...anything to make her happy again. But the next day she would return to her rage. We would awaken to the sound of her cussing and slamming doors and cabinets and venting about how much she hated her life. She would threaten to leave and never come back. She was going to move far away and get away from us. Some days she would threaten to drive herself off the bridge. She hated us so bad that she wanted to die. But she's our mom...she can't hate us?

So I would go to school in fear that my mom was leaving the country or would kill herself that day. WHAT IF today was the day. WHAT IF I come home and I never see my mom again! WHAT IF!

So now I realize why I WHAT IF everything in my life. I was programmed to respond that way. I WHAT IF my husband dies in a car wreck, or my children are kidnapped or they get injured at the babysitters, or WHAT IF I'm not good enough and my husband decides to leave (however blissfully happy we are today). My mind can't overcome the way I was treated as a child.

My own mother emotionally abused us. Ignored us. Screamed and yelled at us. Threatened us. Beat us with belts even if it wasn't our fault. Broke our toys. She actually reared back to throw a ceramic bowl at me once, but thankfully she changed her mind. I'll never forget that look on her face or that pain in my heart.

My sister came home after curfew one night. Her punishment by my mom was being beaten on the head with an empty plastic soda bottle. Harsh.

She would constantly belittle and cuss my dad and make him look stupid. Nothing was ever good enough for her. I was not allowed to have friends over or go to their houses until I was about in Junior High. I was not allowed to be involved in any extra-curricular activities like twirling or cheering or piano or band or Girl Scouts or sports...although money was not a problem. I did nothing. So I felt like since there was not a good reason for me to be involved in anything, then that must mean that my mom thought I wasn't good enough for anything. I guess that explains the low self-esteem I've carried with me all my life. Maybe it also explains my eating disorder and my short temper. Although I tell myself everyday that I do not ever want to be like her in any way.

So that's my story. I know it's not quite as traumatizing as some...but still, emotional scars last a lifetime. A mother is supposed to be gentle and loving and nurturing and caring. Not someone to scare you and haunt you and terrorize you and hurt you. It's hard to say that I can't remember many happy times when thinking of my mom. Her rages even ruined our vacation to Disney World.

So where do I go from here? How do I forget the past and move on? It's so hard to forget it all, especially when she is still just as insane as ever.

My sister was a high school dropout and pothead and turned out to be a very irresponsible and childlike adult. My brother is still living at home with my parents and is an alcoholic crack addict. My mother takes him to buy drugs and she pays for his alcohol and crack too. She even swindles her elderly mother out of money for the drugs. My poor pitiful dad is stuck there in the midst of it all because he is partially paralyzed from a stroke.

Mom lies to me constantly and still has moods of anger and rage and cussing and berating people. She even financially supports my brother and sister and hands everything to them on a silver platter, and yet never allows to help my family out (although we don't need it, but I wouldn't ask if we did)...so it's as if she rewards them for being irresponsible and punishes me for being good. She is impossible to forget.

I think I would be a happier person if I just 'divorced' her and never spoke to her again. By some miracle I, however, have turned out quite normal...I have a Bachelor's degree and will pursue a career when my children are both in school. I have a wonderful blissful marriage. I'm very creative and passionate about my hobbies of gardening and cooking and decorating, also very organized and tidy. I go to church faithfully and teach Bible class, and trust that God is taking care of me now, showing me His way.

My grandmother was a huge good influence in my life, encouraging my faith. She was a great example of devoting herself to helping and caring for others. I spent a lot of time with her as a child. She was more like a mother to me. God bless Grandma!

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