Child Abuse Story From LockedInside

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

It is very hard for me to write this but what happened to me has had so many repurcussions and I am still searching for a way through. I have basically messed up my life because of the ways i have tried to deal with it all - I have had an eating disorder for 20 years, I self-harm, have OCD and depression and although I have had some support with these things it seems people are never really interested in WHY i do all this stuff to myself.
From as far back as I can remember I was sexually abused by a very close friend of the family. I lived just with my mum and because she had problems of her own I lived part of the time with this person and his wife. They looked after me from right after I was born so it is impossible for me to guess when it started.

He could be very nice and loving when not being abusive and at some point I began to see him as two people and I always felt it was me that did something to make 'the bad one' come out. The first things I rememeber are touching and then he would make me perform oral sex on him. He began penetrating me with objects at about 7 and then raping me at 8. At this point I knew it was wrong but though I had left it too late to tell anyone because people would think I had wanted to do all the other stuff.

At some point his wife also became involved and they also took me to a friends house where he was given money to let other people abuse me. I sometimes got money too and I feel so guilty and disgusting for taking it - it feels like I was saying it was okay. Sometimes I was so scared and in so much pain I thought i was going to die.

He continued to abuse me even after I left home at 18. I know I should have been able to stop it - especially as an adult but something just seems to happen in my brain just from hearing his voice and I can't behave the way I want to I can't scream or run. Any time I have tried to fight back it has never worked - he has tried to suffocate me with pillows and about three years ago cracked two of my ribs. I thought that was the last time and that I had become a bit stronger. I moved house this year and have been trying really hard to make changes and be a bit nicer to myself. Then about a month ago he suddenly turned up and he raped me again. I feel so disappointed in myself i just don't know what to do. I have tried talking to my mum about it but he has convinced her I am trying to blame my problems on someone else. She says I am lucky he is so understanding.

I have told professionals about it but never seem to get anywhere. Just now I am finding things really hard. I want to have a 'normal' life but I don't see any future for myself. I know it makes me sound like a weak person but it's just too hard to live anymore. I;m sorry this is so long but thank you for reading it and for the opportunity to share it.

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