Child Abuse Story From Lisa
by Lisa
I really don,t know how to start, I,m in my 20s and have 2 lovely boys. But still live at home cause if I say I want to move I,m left feeling guilty because my mum will be left with another alcoholic who she married after splitting up with my Dad. I also feel like I,m ruining my boys life as now there Dad don,t come and see them because of me, Because he wanted to be able to see them with out feeling like his being watched. But how can I trust him with them, in my head I head I think there all the same no matter what I do it never seems right.I don,t want to live like this everyday, everything I do I know will be wrong. Everyday feels longer and longer.I want to be strong for my boys but I,m finding it harder every day.From as young as I can remember I remember being touched by my alcoholic father I remember as if it was yesterday I can still smell the smell of the drink on his breath . If he was,nt happy with what he,d made me do he,d get the belt or punch or kick then lock me in the bedroom cupboard for not being a good girl like he,d asked. As for my mum she always seemed to be out doing something as he,d always have something for her to do all the the time. The only time I felt safe was when he was out drinking and I was left on my own . It felt nice being left on my own. I did,nt feel lonely because that was normal.At school I kept my self to my self so know one would know how dirty I felt inside. As I got older things got worse being raped by my own father sometimes daily he told me it was my fault for being a dirty little tramp. I still wonder what I did so wrong. When I was 11 my mum and dad split up and I still went to see him because I felt sorry for him being alone and I thought maybe he,d love me more because he,d know I cared. A year later my mum married another alcoholic and he never touched me but use to come out with rude remakes towards me and still does sometimes now but thats life. At this time I was going to see my dad I still felt like I had to do what he said but things started to get better as I got older when I reached about 16 the abuse stopped he,d still call me names but that was just normal from about 17 I always knew I did,nt feel normal and thats all I wanted was to feel normal so I started going out started drinking. The drink seemed to help so I drunk more and more as time went on. When I was 18 I met a guy who was very controlling but it did,nt matter cause I had the drink to block it out untill 5 months later I fell pregant but lost it with in the first few weeks so I shut my self away in my mums house for a few weeks by which time he,d moved on and found someone else. So I started drinking again antill I was nearly 19 I,d met someone and fall pregnant he was alright he,d tryed to treat me well so I stayed with him Then when my oldest was born. I become so protective I did,nt want anyone near him not even his father a few months later I fell pregnant again by this time he,d had enough because I would,nt let him take my son out or look after him with out me being around so be time I had my other son that was it between us . He still came to see them at my mums but I made sure I was there all the time and about 4 months ago he had enough all together he said if he can,t have them on his own that was it he would,nt come round know more. My boys are now 6 and 7 and I feel like I,m ruining there life to. This is the first time I ever told my story and now I feel so numb inside.  Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.I hope you'll follow me on:  Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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