Child Abuse Story From Lily

by Lily
(Location Undisclosed)

I was 15 years old when I went to Hawaii as an exchange student for a year. Everything was fine at first: I got lots of new friends, I was enjoying my experience. My host mom was a 63-year-old woman. She had no husband, no children. But she had a few exchange students before me. The last one who stayed with her asked to change his host family. I have no idea why I didn't pay any attention to that fact at first. Perhaps because she was really nice to me at first. I tried to repay her with the same good attitude. Our nice relationship lasted for 2 months. Then there was the first bad argument.

That evening I was finishing my homework. The last one was to draw a picture for art class. I was great fan of comic books back then, so I turned on my laptop in order to find a nice picture in the internet. When I found one and began to draw, my host mom walked in. When she saw the picture on the screen, she cursed and walked out of the room quickly, slamming the door. I followed after her, not understanding why she got that angry. I asked her "what's wrong?". She told me she was cooking dinner, and I didn't help her, 'cause I was watching cartoons. I tried to explain her she was wrong - and then she started shouting at me: "Don't you give me sh#t! Don't you ever dare f***ing lie to me!" I froze. She never raised her voice on me before. And now she was furious. She cursed and screamed and threw forks and knives on the floor, near my feet. Then she told me she's gonna tell my counselor they have to find a new host family for me because she doesn't need a liar in her house. Then she got into her car and drove away. I was so frightened! First thing is that I just cannot stand when people shout at me, and the second thing - I was afraid that my program will send me home if my host mom tells them I was bad. That would be a shame for me. I couldn't allow it to happen. So when my host mom came back and told me she will not tell anything to my program if I forget about our "little argument", I agreed immediately.

But then the arguments became more and more often. She cursed, called me dumb, stupid, ungrateful, screamed in my face. Once she punched a TV-set, close to my face with such force it fell. I became afraid of her. Sometimes she would just call me inside her room, making me stand there, near her bed, listening to her swearing at me. She never gave me an opportunity to defend myself. And I never could ask for help. Whenever I tried to give a hint about what is happening to me to my exchange student counselor, she defended my host mom. She has always been on her side, telling me I should be more flexible. I could tell nothing to my parents, 'cause they were in another country and were not able to help me. Besides, if they found out, they would try to take me home...but then I would feel myself a complete failure, a loser, which is not even able to live on her own for a year. I didn't want it - so I kept silent, telling them that everything is fine. I know that was wrong. Now I know. That foolish pride made me no good. I couldn't also ask my teachers or another adults for help. You see, first thing is that my host mom was a social leader. She was always into something. People respected her. Despite her age, there was not a single party, wedding or social event on the island to which she wasn't invited. No one would believe me. She was so friendly and helping to everyone else. Besides, she took me to all of these events, she took me on a trip to another island, she was always so nice to me in front of other people - if I would ever say a word about her emotionally abusing me, people would just blame me for being an ungrateful brat.

It wasn't just about arguments. It was about control. Physical and mental. I know it sounds weird, but that's how it was. She didn't allow me to go out with my friends, she always found a cause to keep me by her side. She never allowed me to bring my friends to the house. Couple of times I did - and then I had to regret it.

She always had plans. "You want to go to the movies? Oh, but you cannot! I booked a dinner for us and J--'s family. Sorry, you gotta cancel your meeting!" Yeah, who gives a damn that there is not a single person in J--'s family who is younger than fifty years old, and that the last time I managed to meet my friends not at school was two months ago.

She would never let me talk on the phone more than 15 minutes. It didn't depend on who was calling me. She demanded me talking on the phone in front of her. Whenever I went away to another room to talk there, she got upset...and made me even more upset after.

I did anything she wanted, trying to please her, but nothing ever worked. I got straight A's only. I was letting her know about everything I did. But, not depending on what I was doing or saying, every two weeks she found something to shout at me about.

One month before I had to leave I became absolutely desperate. My life literally turned into a nightmare. I felt myself worthless. I felt myself dependable. I suddenly realized that I can do nothing without thinking at first: "What would my host mom say about it?" It was horrible. I was so under her will I feel wrath every time I remember about it. She almost broke me.

But then there came the argument after which I couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I had to do TOEFL exam, so I prepared to it hard. I bought tickets to fly to another island with some other exchange students who were going to do this exam with me. A night before the exam my host mom called me to her room. I do not want to talk about that evening. Don't want to remember all the details. There was so much dirt poured on me and what for? Because I was going to take a taxi in order to get to test center. She told me that she would find lots of people on that island to get me there, because she has many friends, but because I'm a spoiled b**ch, who always does everything on her own, she gives up on me and that I can do sh#t as much as I want. Oh, did I forget to mention? There was a couple of her friends staying at her house that night. They were sleeping in the room next to my host mom's. They probably heard all the argument and even the thought about it was so humiliating I cannot tell.

I couldn't sleep that night. I just sat in a corner and thought about what a failure I am, 'till the very morning.

I did the TOEFL test. Then the girls took me shopping on the same island, because we had plenty of time before we had to go back. I had a terrible head ache throughout the day. When I arrived to my host mom's house, she called me to her room once again. She told me: "Rather then losing your time at the mall, you could switch your ticket in order for us to come to church together (we went there every Saturday, and during 12 months I'd been to the mall with my friends only for 3 times). But, I guess, I really have to give up on you. You're missing the boat, gal...". And that was the first time I talked back to her. I just couldn't stand her blaming me for doing everything wrong again. I told her she had no right to get me down like that and that she had no right to shout at me before such an important exam. I told her that I had a terrible headache, that I was not able to sleep. I told her I've been stressed out for the last 7 months. And she...apologized.

Last two weeks of my stay with her we had neutral relationship. Then I went to my country.

Now I am alright. I'm living with my real family and preparing to get into university. I am sure I will be an exchange student again. Perhaps even a several times, if I'm lucky. I regard myself as a success. But! It still hurts. The emotional abuse I've been through, lowered my self-esteem a lot. And though I never show it to other people, but I am not as self-confident as I used to be. I still cannot talk to anyone about my host mom - I spent a year in her house, so any bad words about her will show me as ungrateful person. Even my mom didn't believe me when I tried to tell her what happened. I had to speak up at the very beginning - and now there is no way to make people believe me or change something.

If you suffer from abuse, you have to find any possibility to stop it IMMEDIATELY. Don't wait, until it all will become even worse. Reviewing my experience, I realize now - I had to tell my parents, my friends, other adults about abuse without worrying about what will be their first thoughts. I had to be more strong-willed, I had not to be afraid to reach out for help. Perhaps if I would be more stubborn, even my exchange student counselor would help me. But...I was inexperienced, I was never abused before, I was young and away from my country and family. Now, I train my will, I learn to defend myself - and I know for sure, that I will never allow anyone to abuse me anymore.

Be self-confident! You are precious and valuable, whoever reads it, and you deserve the best. Don't be afraid to stand for yourself. If my story and advices will help anyone, my experience was not in vain.

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