Child Abuse Story From Lee1
by Lee
Where to start? I have tried to repress this experience my entire life. I am now in my 50's ,retired, and should be enjoying myself. However I feel like I've spent my life being an actor. Trying to portray the perfect man. In my heart I feel like one big lie. I never thought the events that happened when i was 8 or 9 could have possibly affected my entire life. Going to my grandparents farm every weekend we were able to see and play with all of our cousins, I had always looked forward to these weekends. Being a small and sickly child my mom was very protective and didn't allow me to play with the older boys outside in the barns. I was sort of looked at as a mommas boy and a whimp. My only other playmate was an older cousin ,who was about 15. He too was the youngest of his family and in retrospect was probably abused by his brothers both verbally and physically. He and I did alot of things together. One visit he told me to follow him and he took me into his mother's clothes closet. He told me of a club he and some boys had started, and to be a member we had to undress. I had no experience about such things and absolutely no knowledge of anything sexual. Wanting to be included in this group I did as was told. He also undressed. It was quite a shock seeing a boys privates who had reached puberty. It was larger with so much hair. I, on the other hand was simply a small young boy. He proceeded to fondle and play with my genitals for quite some time. He had me handle his parts as well. When ready to leave he told me to say nothing or he would tell my parents that I had made advances on him. I was deathly afraid of my dads temper and became scared of their possible reaction. This became a regular routine between him and I for the next few visits. My guilt and shame come from the sense that on some level his touch felt good to me. I have since this time have this sense of gender confusion. I have always felt guilt that no matter what good things in life I've accomplished that I'm not a good person because I have this inner shame.  Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.I hope you'll follow me on:  Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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