Child Abuse Story From Krystle

by Krystle
(Ottawa, Ontario, Canada)

My Hell: 
My mother and my father decided that it was time to divorce when I had just turned 4. My memories up until this point are very foggy as is to be expected of someone of this age. From what I remember, my mother kicked my father out right before Christmas. I remember asking her over and over, "When is daddy coming home." After that everything changed.

At this point I was still very young and I do not remember everything that happened to me. My life seems like a bunch of photographs that have been forced together to try to create some kind of story line, some semblance of normality. My mother started seeing someone who she called "her very special friend." I had no idea who this man was, but I knew I didn't like him.

At first everything seemed harmless. I remember being very sick, and him singing to me. The song was Tears in Heaven, by Eric Clapton. I know that this song is aimed at a totally different form of loss and heartache, but till this day the song still brings me to tears and reminds me of all the hell that I had to go through when I was so young that I couldn't even understand the emotions of such a powerful song. It took awhile for his true colours to come out...obviously he didn't want my mother to know his true colours this soon.

I have many blank spaces in my memory that I simply can't piece together. In these cases I just assume the worse and figure that I simply cannot cope with the truth.

I do know that when things started getting really heated I was about 9 years old. My mom used to come into my room every night and give me a back massage. For the longest time he would help her, and at the time I didn't know any better. I thought this was what all fathers did, and as far as I knew, he was my father.

After awhile he stopped visiting my room when my mom did. She would come in and say goodnight to me and then go to bed. She would tell me that "my father" was coming in soon to say goodnight and that I should be good and say goodnight like a good girl.

After about 10 minutes he entered my room. He started massaging me like my mom would, starting at my shoulders and working his way down...but he kept going down, and down, and he didn't stop, he was then using his fingers so hard and fast that I couldn't keep from crying...that was the first night. While he was leaving my room he said, "You filthy pig. Look what you've done to my fingers. You're such a filthy little bitch that you're dripping for me. Well don't worry, I'll be back for more."

From here on my life was hell. This happened on almost a nightly basis, and if it wasn't sexual it was physical. I always had a bruise, or I was too sore to walk. I was constantly living in fear that someone would find out.

I finally got fed up and decided I was going to move to my real father's. It was a scary process. I had to stay hidden for over 6 months as my step-dad was looking for me.

Now I am 20 years old and living on my own. Everything for me is over, but I'm afraid for my sister that it's just beginning. He is her father so I always told everyone he would never hurt her because she is his child. I was wrong though, and now I'm responsible for her pain. I could have prevented her from going through what I did. I never thought it would happen to her....

Reply from Darlene: Krystle, today I'm trying a different approach. Today, for the benefit of you and all my visitors, I offer an exercise to do on paper. This exercise is a glimpse of what I am currently working on with regard to a healing program. I do hope you will find it helpful.

Krystle, your personal truth is: 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad.' This personal truth is a thought, Krystle, a thought that needs to be questioned. Ask yourself if you absolutely know for a fact that your sister suffered at the hands of your stepdad because of you. An answer of either yes or no doesn't matter; neither is wrong.

Now answer the question: How does your body react when you believe the thought 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad'? Perhaps your chest tightens or your heart pounds so hard it feels as though it's caught in your throat, perhaps you clench your jaw or feel the need to punch something. Write down all that your body experiences when you believe the thought 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad'.

Now answer the question: If it was virtually impossible to have the thought 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad', who and what would you be? Perhaps your answers will read something like:

• peaceful
  
  
  
• guilt- and shame-free
  
• able to move on with my life
  
• I'd be a 20-year-old woman having an Internet experience with a woman named Darlene Barriere

Now think of one "healthy" reason to hang on to the thought 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad.' When I say "healthy" I mean a reason that does not cause you or your body any form of stress.

There will never be even one healthy reason to hang on to ANY unhealthy (stressful) thoughts. It is not humanly possible.

Now consider 3 "healthy" (non-stressful) reasons to drop the thought 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad'. Don't TRY to drop the thought. That's not what I'm suggesting. You can no more drop the thought than you can drop the need to breathe. Just find 3 reasons TO drop it. They might read like:

1. I'd be a better sister if I didn't have this guilt and shame because I'd be more available to my sister when she needs me most.
   
2. I'd be free of the guilt and shame and then be able to move on with my life.
   
3. I would be able to really help my sister emotionally because I'd be emotionally healthy; after all, we've been through the same thing.

When we believe our thoughts, they grip us and won't let go. When we believe our thoughts, they cripple us and render us incapable of helping ourselves or our loved ones. We become blocked. But when we question our thoughts and then reverse them, we are then open to alternatives, and we become more able to do the things we really want to do. In other words, we become "unblocked".

The next step is to reverse the thought. Reversals are done in three ways:

1. to the thought itself
   
2. to the other person
   
3. to yourself

In the first reversal, 'I am responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad' becomes 'I am NOT responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad.' Could this be just as true as your original thought 'I AM responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad'? Give at least 1 but preferably 3 reasons that this is true. Examples:

1. My stepdad was the person who molested my sister; not me.
   
2. My stepdad knows the difference between right and wrong because he made me keep it a secret and also made MY SISTER keep it a secret.
   
3. _____ fill in the blank.

Krystle, it's been my experience that reality is much more compassionate than our thoughts about that reality.

Now reverse the thought to the other person: 'My stepfather is responsible for the abuse my sister suffered at the hands of my stepdad.' Give 3 examples of how this is so. Examples:

1. I was the child; he was the adult. I did not know any better. As the grown up, he DID know better for both my sister and me.
   
2. I am not responsible for my stepfather's actions; HE is responsible for his own actions.
   
3. _____ fill in the blank.

Now reverse the thought to yourself: 'I am NOT responsible for the abuse I suffered at the hands of my stepdad.' Examples:

1. I have no way to know that anyone would have believed me if I had told.
   
2. I was too young to know how to tell someone.
   
3. By the time I was old enough to tell, I thought no one would believe me or that they would blame me for what he was doing.

Remember Krystle, your answers are about your personal truth. It is NOT about morality. It is not about what is right or wrong. It's about what you believe deep down inside. Only when you allow those deeply buried beliefs to surface can you question them. As long as you are afraid to allow those thoughts to surface (and then question them), those thoughts will continue to block you and prevent you from doing the things you want to do. They will block you moving forward. They will block you from helping your sister now.

I've provided examples based on the story you submitted. In truth, I can't answer these questions for you. I can only open you to possibilities, and then ask you to apply questioning to each of them. Consider your own personal truth, and then recognize how these thoughts block you from having an emotionally available relationship with your sister. Consider how these thoughts block you from being emotionally available to yourself. You see, Krystle, when you believe your unhealthy thoughts, you project the residue of those thoughts onto yourself and others.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Krystle" can be found at Comments below this submission. Depending on system activity, there are sometimes delays in comments going live on my site; but rest assured, they do eventually appear. So if you don't yet see them, I hope you will return later to read what I, and possibly others, have written. I thank you for your patience and understanding.

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