Child Abuse Story From Kristen4
by Kristen
(USA)
Scared, lonely, and wondering if I can go on:
I am 39 years old. I am in so much pain right now, I wonder if I can make it through this. My mother was very emotionally abusive when I was a child. She would go into rages, scream, and yell. There was some physical abuse as well, but I don't feel like it effected me 1/2 as much as the emotional abuse. We were compared with others. She would do our homework, because we were not doing it well enough. She would get really mad, tell us she was going to kill herself, and then go hide on our ranch for hours. We would sit at home sobbing, wondering if our mom was going to kill herself, and we blamed ourselves. As an adult, her abuse of me has never stopped. My whole adult life, she has continued to do this. I have been put down, called names, and endured her rages. She stopped doing it completely to my brother and only does it very slightly to my sister. About a month and a half ago, my mom went into one of her rages. She called me a prostitute (in front of my 1 and 3 year old) because I had dated a man 20 years older than me about 5 years ago. She told me I had sex with him so he would fly me to his Condo in Florida. I did not talk to her after that. Then one day she came to my house and asked me why I had not called her. I said "You called me a prostitute, why would I want to have a relationship with you"? She then proceeded to list a bunch of men she THOUGHT I had slept with before I met my husband. I have not talked to her since. She never takes accountability for her words or actions. I am so damaged, I have had to walk away from her completely. It is so hard because it is your mother and you want her to love you. It didn't matter how hard I tried though or what I did, it was never good enough. I feel so depressed and scared that death sounds good. I absolutely HATE myself even though I am very smart and talented. I think I am a piece of crap. I have been to counselors. I have checked myself into a hospital for inpatient treatment for depression. I have been depressed since I was about age 16. I don't know what to do. I do not want to feel this way the rest of my life...it's not worth it. I have done really well with my children who are 1 and 3. I cannot understand how a mother could say or do those things to her child. I will never do that to my children. How could you? The other thing she did was pit all of us siblings against each other in competition, so we don't really even have each other now.
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