Child Abuse Story From Kori

by Kori
(Manitoba, Canada)

I don't know what to do. I'm lost right now. I honestly thought my life was normal, that everything I went through was normal. I've most likely learned to think like this from my parents.

I feel sick about all the stuff that's happened and the stuff I've done. I've seen my stepdad and brother get into fist fights more than once, even while I had friends over. I've suffered abuse from my entire family; my mother, stepdad, and the worst from my brother. He'd hit me all the time. When I was younger he molested me more than once and told me he'd tell on me if I told anyone. I've always been scared of him. He's verbally abused me so much, calling me a faggot and a queer so many times, it hurt so much. My mother never did anything; neither of my parents were ever around much. They worked all the time, or were gambling. On some weekends they'd leave for up to 12 hours just to gamble. My dad has never really been a part of my life. I'd see him occasionally and we'd talk here and there. I've gotten used to them never being there. The abuse has only stopped now over the past two years, but now my entire family is disconnected. Nobody talks to each other.

Some stuff that really bothers me is when I was younger. I did sexual acts with one of my female cousins, and my stepbrother. I've done stuff with my male cousin for as long as I remember. At first willingly because I liked it, but I knew it was wrong. At times I just couldn't say no; I didn't know how to. I don't know why I thought this was normal. I feel ashamed and disgusted about this.

A few nights ago, I was startled awake at 4 in the morning. It was my male cousin. He was drunk and standing over me in my bed. I don't even know what he was doing at my house. He wanted to have sex with me. I started shaking. I felt so cold suddenly. I didn't know what was happening. I was so anxious. I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour, then slept in the living room that night. I feel scared to open up about this with my family. There are secrets everywhere. My entire family is messed up on both sides of my family. Abuse and neglect is everywhere. Nobody talks about anything. My mother sometimes tells me horrible events about her past, as if it's an acceptable thing to do. She has never gotten help, nor has my stepdad.

I was always aware of all the stuff that's happened. But I now feel like I'm seeing it all differently. Like a veil has been lifted. I have no idea the extent of how these events have affected me and how horrible these things are.

I'm 19 now and everything feels like it's unravelling. I honestly thought University would make me happy and 'normal'. I thought I wouldn't feel so uneasy, uncomfortable, and empty all the time. That I'd finally have closer friendships. I thought I'd finally have the confidence I wish I had. It's just getting worse though. I've noticed that the littlest sounds or people speaking suddenly make me jump out of my skin. I'm shutting out my friends even more. I can barely remember my childhood; there's so many missing memories that I'm beginning to wonder what happened back then. I've spent the last two months feeling completely numb, suffering break downs, and occasional suicidal thoughts. I know I need help, but lately I get these loud horrible thoughts. They tell me I'm a f**king idiot, that no one will believe me, that I'm making a big deal out of nothing, that I'm making all this up, and that I'd be wasting the therapist's or counsellor's time. Sometimes I try to fight these thoughts, and then my mind goes wild. Even now as I write this, my thoughts say I should just suck it up and quit bitching. Sometimes I believe them. But I can't trust my thoughts at all anymore.

I will be getting help. I know there is more to life. I want to know who I really am under all these horrible thoughts and feelings. I have to stop this endless cycle of abuse and neglect, or else it's just going to go on forever.

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