Child Abuse Story From Kerri

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Child Abuse Story From Kerri

by Kerri
(USA)

I'm not sure how old I was when it happened, I just know by the time I was 7 or 8, he wasn't around anymore. It could have been years before or maybe just months. I don't have any memories except for two incidents of the abuse. One physical and one sexual. (Side note: I'm very scatter brained- sorry if I'm all over the place and if it doesn't make sense) It was from my step-father at the time, which screwed me up. I've been told it was more than just those two things, but that's all I remember. I suppose that was my way of trying to protect myself, trying to forget. But if that's true, that's what kids do to protect themselves, then why would the two memories that I'm sure are just as bad as whatever else happened to me, be so vivid, drilled into my brain like it happened yesterday?

I have never spoke about this or wrote about this except for when, I guess my mom found out it was happening to me. That's another memory I blocked out, being asked what he did to me. I don't understand how any of this works, some memories you keep and some get tossed out of your mind. I'm sure I would have forgotten all of them, if I wasn't constantly reminded that I'm screwed up because I was molested. Any emotions I have or show to my family (sad or anger), they say it's cuz I'm screwed up from what happened to me and I should get help.

One of the two memories that I remember is of him picking me up with one hand by my throat, choking and yelling at me for what seemed like forever. We were in the kitchen – me, my brother (2 yrs older than me), my mom and step-father. I threw one of my brothers GI-Joe guys because he wanted it back. My step-father got pissed at me for doing that and choked me. My mom was screaming and yelling at him to put me down. She comforted me while I caught my breath, and then that's it for that memory. But I remember exactly where I was when I threw the toy and where me and my step-father were standing when he choked me.

As for my other memory, it is of me and him in my room. My bed was next to the window in my room. I'm laying down looking out the window, its dusk, summer time, the street lights just turned on. I can see my best friend's older brother playing with a remote control car right outside my window. My step-father used to sing me Irish lullaby's or read me stories when he put me to bed. I'm assuming that's when he always did this to me. He gave me oral as I just laid there looking out my window, watching my friends brother. That's all I remember of what he did to me. I don't know if I said no or stop or anything.

I've been told a couple other things that have happened, but they are not my memories. I've been to a few therapists as a kid. I don't even remember talking about anything with them, I just remember being there. I think the only reason I remember any of this, is because whenever I'm sad, mad or upset; I over react to some things. Well after I freak out about whatever, I'm told that I'm so screwed up because of so and so and what he did to me. I wish they'd stop reminding me. I believe for awhile maybe I had no memories of it at all, just somewhere along the line those two worked their way into my head from being reminded of what happened to me, so much. And they constantly tell me I need help and need to talk to someone. Yeah maybe now I do, but before I didn't think I needed to. What would I talk about if I can't remember? Well now, I probably do need help, but I think it's too late. I don't know how to talk about anything, what I feel or want with anyone. I was put in the hospital a couple of years ago for a few weeks for almost killing myself. Wow I could make this story so long, I didn't realize how much I do have to say when I have never talked about it once before in my life. I'm going to try to keep this as short as I can, even though it's already long.

Well anyway I'm 26 yrs old now and I feel I can't or shouldn't have any kids because the world is so screwed up, especially me. I don't want my kids to be screwed up because I can't control my temper (I'm a pretty angry person) or what a stranger or even a family member could do to a poor helpless child. I would lose my mind if I had a child and something bad happened to him/her. I know that I don't know how to have a normal relationship because I don't trust anyone; every guy cheats no matter what, whether it's now or later. I don't ever want to get married because all marriages end in divorce, so why waste your time and money on a piece of paper?

I wrote this awhile ago, and still haven't posted it. I'm scared because that means I actually talked about it and someone other than me knows what I'm feeling and how disgusting I am for feeling that way. I recently found my ex-step-fathers phone number and address. I haven't reacted on any of it, but I REALLY want to. I'm just going to post this before I change my mind again even though I'm already getting anxiety from thinking about posting it.
Thanks for this website
Kerri

Darlene Barriere: author. speaker. survivor. coach

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Child Abuse Story From Kerri

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Feb 03, 2010

Kerri:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

I mean no disrespect by removing a significant part of your story, but the part I removed really is out of the purview of this site. I can only recommend that you do seek out some form of counselling, but not because you're somehow "disgusting" or "screwed up". You are NOT disgusting and you are not screwed up; you have some very real trauma that needs to be dealt with. Understanding why you feel a lack of trust of men (trust me, not all men cheat, and not all marriages end in divorce, though many of them do), and why you feel the need to sabotage your relationships is paramount to your own well-being and your ability to live your life to the fullest. The right counsellor can also help you with what you so bravely disclosed to me in your full original post. Stop thinking of yourself as disgusting and start thinking of yourself as needing the right kind of help, help you deserve. I had therapy for the problems I had from being abused; it was the best investment I could ever make in myself. You didn't deserve to be abused, Kerri. You DO deserve help now that you have been. Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 03, 2010

Darlene, Thank you!
by: Kerri

I knew my whole post wouldn't make it. I honestly didn't think any of it would and I completely understand why. I was really only looking to see what your response would be. I'm not sure why I even wanted to know.
A little more about me: I'm quite shy, quiet and polite and 'normal' on the outside. None of my 2 relationships I've had and still in one now, know anything about what I feel, I deserve or want (not really sure which ? deserve or want). What I wrote in my original post, I keep it to myself. I don?t want to tell my b/f in case I scare him or gross him out. Although I think he may be into that a little bit. Slowly he does small things that I like, to see my reaction to them (I think). I hate saying this, but it?s my first time saying it and wanted to see if ?talking? about it really helps. So far, nothing has changed.
I think as for contacting my ex-step-father, all I want to know is exactly what he did. I hate not knowing or wondering when a memory will suddenly pop into my head. I have the worst memory ever and I imagine this is why. I?m lucky to leave my house with shoes on, that?s how forgetful I am, not even exaggerating one bit.
One more thing I?d like to ask you, you suggest and everyone of course will always suggest I get help and talk to someone. Well I don?t like talking to people about my personal things face to face with someone and I?m finding it pretty easy to tell you. Only because I don?t know you, and most likely never will. So my question is: do you know of any online websites or chats with a professional or semi professional that I could maybe contact, if I feel I could get to that point?

From Darlene: There used to be, Kerri, but the ones I was aware of had to close the membership because there were so many people joining that it put the support of it in jeopardy. Smaller groups do much better in support situations. Perhaps one of my other visitors can help. Or perhaps you can look into trying to start one yourself. Just be careful; you never know who you're really connecting with online. For all you know, the person could be a pedophile or a prisoner looking to groom young people. I do wish you all the best.

Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
author. speaker. survivor. coach
From Victim to Victory, a memoir

Feb 06, 2010

Let Go of the stuff your remember first.
by: maurice

Kerri reading the hurt that is oozing from your telling of your abuse by that Horrid Step-Father. Please read Darlen's comments to you slowly, slowly, make sense of her loving encourageing words to you. She has a woamns heart so she is witing her true feelings to you from her heart to your's That Animal of a step father ruined your innocence, your child hood, how your mother stood by him after what he did to your small throat is beyond me. Fear is a woeful thing, she and you seemed to have lived in fear of him. Bad, Bad Man. Now Kerri, Heed darlene, all I will say to you is that deal with what you recall and remember. That Kerri is sufficient for you to get your mind around right now. You may never find out if anything else happened so why worry yourself about it. Our minds can play hell with us if we let it, so stop now, deal with what you remember. If you don't you'll be fighting with yourself for a long time. Darlene has given you a way forward NOW. She wrote recently, quote, One thing I learned was that everything that happened to me was in my past and I could'nt change any of it. That if I continued to focus on what did happen I could not change. Then I was not LIVING in the present. There is a message there for you, me, and all her visitors. Kerri even at 26 you can begin having a healthy mind in a healthy body. I can, I will, I must, because I am worth it. Always believe that Kerri. So off your bottom, get out there intergrating and mixing with people your own age who want to have a healthy mind in a healthy body. Being active and alive with others sometimes puts things in perspective. There is safety in numbers. THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS ABOUT YOURSELF. LOOK IN THE MIRROR SEE THE BEAUTY OF THE PERSON LOOKING BACK AT YOU. ''WoW' he's right I am beautiful. be gentle and kind to yourself and your body. Darlene has given you the start, begin letting go of the stuff you remember. STOP hurting with the stuff you cannot recall or remember. Shower away the awful memories of what he did to you while you innocently looked out the window. Soothe over those parts with the modern day lotions and creams massaged into them. There your beauty natural parts make them truly what you want them to be hopefully by doing so erasing the dirty memories you have. I am always wary of STEP Fathers because I have rarely heard the good and the loving they did their step children. They seem to think, these are not my children so I'll use them and abuse them, control them, Putting things in perspective There are good on'e out there too, even great ones, The one's I know of are growing even in 2010. Kerri, LOVE yourself. build up your self esteem. get out and about being part with fellow females taking part in sporting and cultureal activities. I guarantee it will be the most refresshing thing you have ever done. Your highly intelligent don't be anyone's fool. Think, act and do what is the best for your own welbeing. Go for it TODAY. Darlene heart is with you.

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Child Abuse Story From Kerri

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Child Abuse Story From Kerri