Child Abuse Story From Kelsea1

by Kelsea
(West Virginia, USA)

Child Abuse Story Without Healing: 
I am not writing this for others to lose hope. I simply do not know how to heal, and it has been five years. I cannot see how anything with what has happened has become any easier.

My best friend's former stepfather molested me when I was 13 years old. It happened during a Halloween party while we were all drinking. I told him that he shouldn't be doing it. I never said an actual "no" even though I wanted to, and I didn't fight back. With that and being intoxicated, I have always believed it was my fault. If I wasn't drunk, it wouldn't have happened. If I had screamed, someone would have heard. But I was too scared.

I kept this secret for a year, and I then told my mother. She didn't believe me. At that time I had picked a fight with my best friend simply because I didn't know how to deal with it and thought no one would believe me. My mother believed because of that fight I was just making it up.

A month after the molestation I lost my virginity. I had no self-worth at all. Before the incident happened I wanted to wait for marriage, for that time to be special, but after that it seemed that since my innocence was already taken, I had no value. To this day my family does not know about him. At first, I didn't think I was really raped, even though I said no and to stop. Something in my mind made it to where it was ok that he did that to me. That I should have just given in.

After the molestation and rape happened, I followed a road of very hard drugs and promiscuous sex. I became sober when I was 17 after being put into placement for truancy. I have given away things that I can never get back. I have been a person I never wanted to be after these things happened. I still feel a constant need for affection. I still have nightmares. If I am at my house, I will go days without sleeping and usually I can never sleep by myself.



While in placement I had given my first abusers name and it was investigated. It went to court and he was found not guilty. After it was brought to public what had happened, my best friend admitted he had been doing the same to her since she was 9. He has been found guilty for some of her charges. There were 17 all together. He was found not guilty for 10, guilty for two, and the other charges are with a hung jury.

It seems that any time I have talked about this it has just messed me up more, but I'm glad I came forward for my friend. I don't know that she ever would have if I hadn't...more things happened to her and she seems to deal with it better. I don't know why I can't with mine. I don't know how I will ever be healed, but I know I still have a very long road ahead of me.

I hope more than anything that my story will show girls that you do still have worth and value and to still go on to be what you have wanted. Because you were handled in that way before, doesn't mean that that is all you have to give.

Darlene's comments to this "Child Abuse Story From Kelsea1" can be found at Comments below this submission. Depending on system activity, there are sometimes delays in comments going live on my site; but rest assured, they do eventually appear. So if you don't yet see them, I hope you will return later to read what I, and possibly others, have written. I thank you for your patience and understanding.

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Comments for
Child Abuse Story From Kelsea1

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Oct 20, 2008
 Read your last paragraph again...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Kelsea, the best advice I can give you is to take your own advice!

"Healing" is changing what your thoughts are about the abuse you endured and the subsequent choices you made as a result of that abuse; it is NOT suddenly forgetting what happened. Nor is someone suddenly "healed" from the effects of child abuse.

Healing is a process of self-discovery and self-connection. Healing is recognizing that what happened to you as a child was not your fault. Healing is understanding that you were the child and he was the adult. Healing is coming to terms with the fact that as the adult, he used your vulnerability to his advantage. Yes, you were intoxicated, which put you at risk for assault and for less inhibitions and for less (if any) clear headedness, but regardless, your best friend's father KNEW all this and took advantage of your defenselessness and your adolescence.

In Canada, consent to sex CANNOT be given when a person is intoxicated; the reason for that is that when a person is drinking they are not thinking clearly. Consent requires clear thinking.

I suggest that you are still not thinking clearly about all this, Kelsea. If you were thinking clearly, you'd recognize that all the "could haves" and "should haves" and "should not haves" wouldn't have made a difference; your best friend's father was a child molester. For goodness sake, he molested his own daughter! That HAS to tell you something.

Your self-worth and "value" as you put it is not tied into having been sexually assaulted or whether or not you've had sex with a multitude of partners. Self-worth is teaching yourself to treat yourself better than others have. Self-worth is teaching yourself that as a fallible human being, you are just as worthy as anyone you believe to be infallible. And trust me when I say that there isn't a single human being on this planet who is infallible. Every one of us is fallible! You are reading the comments of one very fallible human being right this minute.

So give yourself a break, and start heeding the advice you have so wisely given other girls who are reading your story here: "...you do still have worth and value and to still go on to be what you have wanted. Because you were handled in that way before, doesn't mean that that is all you have to give." Well said, Kelsea!

Thank you for sharing your story with my visitors and me.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir
Oct 20, 2008
 I know your pain
by: Hannah

For about five years I constantly dealt with the pain of being sexually abused by my cousin. no matter how many times I told people I still felt I was one messed up, used up person. then I turned to God I know it seems crazy but I let go of that pain and I know I'm not trash. what happened to us doesn't define who we are. I hope you have loving people in your life to support you, but if not I promise God loves you beyond anything you can imagine. He wants to take your pain away. Listen to Held by Natilie Grant it helped me out it made me cry tears that i had not allowed myself. Sometimes we just need to cry and relieve some of our pain. i know it can be hard but crying over your abuse isn't always bad. it can be very healing. Isaiah 41:10
May 03, 2009
 perhaps
by: Anonymous

it's so hard to heal from because ur mother didn't believe you.... geez. that is not ok! you are not to blame, and u did everything right.

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