Child Abuse Story From Kellen Part 2

by Kellen
(Location Undisclosed)

I wrote about 4 months ago. Since then a lot has changed. I've had some time to really think through some things about what's happened and in the past. I've had days where I've felt much better and days where I feel lower and lower. I know now that now is the time that I seek professional counseling. Living with my brother, that he too was abusive, both emotionally and most recently physically.

I've read multiple books on emotional intelligence and controlling my emotions and I seem to have improved as I can feel when emotions are being stirred up and control them. The other day my brother was yelling at me to give him the car key. We share the car and we each have a set of keys. When I refused, his anger quickly elevated and he tried to exert physical abuse on me, and I lost it. I hit him back until he stopped and left. This is when I realized that throughout my childhood when we were "playing" (I played hockey and football, two very physical sports) he was actually picking on me. Sports were my escape, and while I was on the ice or on the field, that was the time when I felt free.

Anyway, as a kid I have memories of being held down by my siblings during and after beatings from my dad. I've come to realize that my dad was a very abusive person. I remember hating him as a kid, as he emotionally abused my mother on a daily basis. They worked together and he treated her like she didn't work as hard as him, and barely helped out around the house. He watched a lot of TV, and that is basically the only memory I have of him in my childhood. The only conversations I've had with him before I went away to college were while he was watching TV or at his office in the city. Otherwise it was berating me because I didn't do well in school or I was "mentally un-tough." He was constantly comparing me and my brothers to his friends kids who had "graduated from Yale" or to his friend who had "won a Nobel prize."

I have many memories of kids in my class offering to help paint my house and help out around my house. My house was always the dirtiest most unkempt house on the block of an upper class neighborhood. The outside was unfinished and the inside was filled with clutter. Don't get me wrong, I never had to worry about money, although my parents would make me feel guilty about any little bit of money I spent. I realize that today I'm very indecisive when making decisions, just as my mom has been all my life. I just never realized it. I was pushed to be a moneymaker and berated when I showed signs of weakness.

I have two distinct memories I'd like to share. One was when I was in 7th grade and I got a new computer. When we were in line at the store I remember my dad embarrassing me in front of the cashier and saying that I better stop being such a bad kid or I wouldn't get things like this. I remember thinking to myself "why does he always have to do this?" When we got back we tried to set it up and after about an hour the computer wasn't working. I remember him completely losing his temper and yelling at me because I had broken the computer by plugging it in wrong. Being somewhat computer literate today (at least able to set up a computer ha ha), I realize that the computer had defects. I don't remember if there was any physical abuse that day. However, it never really was the physical abuse that set me off as a kid. I have scars all over from the bamboo sticks, belts, and toy swords I used to get lashed with, but I was always more upset about the reasons I was getting hit because I thought the hitting was normal.

Another memory comes from a time I remember as being a very bad time in my life. When I was going into high school my brother was in college. This was about 8 years ago. He made a huge mistake and was on charges for aggravated assault. The charges were eventually dropped but the toll it took on my family was already in place. My dad was constantly yelling for no reason and I know today that it had an effect on my brother.

Months later he had another brush with the law although this time it wasn't quite as serious. During this time I saw my dad become more emotionally abusive than before and I saw his irrationality and racist beliefs come into play, although this is something that I have just recently realized. Today my brother is back in school. It is clear that he still has extreme anxiety and depression. I'm just happy to see him doing something. As a kid he was my hero. I looked up to him and even when he was gone drifting from place to place, I always remember him as that same person I knew as a kid. I was in denial. When he came back this past year, coupled with my dad being diagnosed with lung cancer, it really had an effect on me.

Although he isn't able to physically abuse me anymore, he tries to emotionally abuse me and still does so to my mom. Over the summer, my mother and I cleaned out all the clutter from my house. I called him out on it 2 months ago and for the first time in years he tried to attack me physically when he couldn't think of anything to say. That's when I left the house. After being gone for a few months, I realized that he was still being abusive to my mother and my brother (the one who is back at school), and that something has to be done. This is where I am now.

During my years in college, I developed a relationship with my dad for the first time. I talked to him face-to-face and I had genuinely forgotten about the abuse. It was only when I saw the abuse in my own actions did I remember. I've said some horrible things and had racist attitudes, although this is never where my values lied. I do not know how to explain it, but to this day this is something I am dealing with and shedding myself of all these stereotypes I see in myself and in others I first meet. I want to see people for people.

Today I've realized that I too have bullied people. I was bullied throughout my life in school as well and I never realized that I was being bullied. I thought they were being friendly. I have said a lot of hurtful things and I got into fights throughout my years of school. It is only now that I am beginning to see reality. This is guilt I think I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Today I have extreme social anxiety and at times I'm very depressed. But I feel I have moved forward and wouldn't have it any other way. This coming week I am seeking counseling with a therapist and I will see how it goes. I've made a commitment to end the cycle of abuse here, and I hope to one day help others to do the same.

I'm sorry for the incoherentness of this segment, and I really do appreciate what this site has done for me. Thanks.

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