Child Abuse Story From Julia

by Julia
(Cincinnati, Ohio, USA)

I have never breathed a word of this out loud to anyone, ever. I've always been too ashamed and embarrassed. I was sexually abused by my older cousin who is 4 years my senior, from the time I was 6 until I was 13 (I am 24 now). It would always happen when we would take trips to St. Louis to visit my grandparents. My uncle and cousins would always visit at the same time to bring the whole family together. Because of this, my cousin and I usually would end up sharing the same room to sleep. We had separate beds, but I can remember the first instance of abuse after my mom and dad kissed me goodnight, and shut the door. He waited for a minute, then crawled into my bed with me. I remember thinking this was a game and giggling. That was until he lay on top of me and began kissing me and dry humping me while fondling my breasts (which I really didn't have at the time.) I was so confused, and scared. Luckily, he heard someone coming down the hall so he quickly got off of me and jumped back to his own bed. He didn't attempt to come into my bed again that night.

I can't remember all of the different times/ways he abused me, but I do know it was every time we saw each other at family get-togethers. Unfortunately, he lives in a different state, so any family get together meant that we usually would be sleeping in the same house as well, which made it easy for him to abuse me.

I can recall another instance when I was 11. By this time I would fly to St. Louis in the summertime to spend a week or two at my grandparents' house. I loved it. That was until my cousin began doing the same. I was upstairs in my room that I slept in, and his room was across the hall. He had about 4 guy friends over that day, and I remember him calling me into his room. I didn't want to go because by that time I had fully developed and was regularly subjected to his friends making comments to me about my breasts, and my body. This made me very uncomfortable. He kept calling me into his room though, and finally said that he had something really cool to show me. I was curious, and stupid, and walked across the hall to his room to see. No sooner had I gotten in the door way when one of his friends shut the door and stood in front of it. My cousin instructed his other friends to grab me and put me on the bed. They did so and began pulling my clothes off and my bra and panties. I was laying there naked and they were just all smiling at me. My cousin began fondling my breast while one of the other boys got on top of me and started kissing me telling me how beautiful I was. This is when I was raped, not once, but by all 4 guys, my cousin included. It was mortifying. I didn't scream, I only cried quietly, they were holding me down and at first I tried to struggle to get away, but they were much stronger than I. When it was all done, my cousin threw my clothes at me and told me to get out of his room, that I was bugging him and his friends. I ran into my room and locked the door and sat against the door for hours, naked, gripping my clothes and crying, confused about what had just happened.

Later that night, when I came down for dinner, I was relieved to know that my cousin had gone to one of his friends' houses to eat, and my grandmother had made my favorite. I could barely eat. She kept asking if I was okay and if I was feeling ill. I finally just told her that I had a horrible headache. She helped me to my room and gave me some milk and aspirin. I laid there in that bed for most of the night. I don't remember falling asleep, I just remember staring at the door knob so afraid that it would turn and my cousin would be on the other side of the door.

There were several instances before and after that experience, but that is the one that has stuck with me. I have never been the same since. I am married now, own a house, and have a beautiful son. I feel I am living a normal and happy life on the outside, but on the inside, the pain is still there and hurts just as bad as it did that horrible day so many years ago. I don't think I will ever be able to tell anyone, not even my husband. I can't tell you the relief I feel however, from finally writing this out. It's a first step to a long road of recovery, I believe. =)

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