Child Abuse Story From JP

by J.P
(Location Undisclosed)

May I present my story, though I might be not making sense. I am being abused right now but haven't found a solution, just more coping mechanism. I don't know how common it is in here, but I felt I can't get help, cause people in this country just don't have the heart for this type of information.

I go through my childhood with strangeness which I thought was I being not grown up. I was aggressive, very bullying in a way I don't enjoy it, just have a need to do it. As a little older I have morals, but still drawn to violence and pain. I have no idea what happened. Then a life-changing time when I got away from my parents, go to college, and I felt weak and misbehaviored in me that I corrected myself with human heart. The sweet things inside my heart, but then I went home, and I felt neglect then, which I mistakenly thought I wasn't being good enough because I just see my own imperfection. But physical reaction became weird. I got chills and sensitive to anything (I can't quite describe it). One semester away from my parents get me to rethink. I kind of starting to hide my emotions cause I realized that was fear I felt time to time.

Then I got home again. I start to try a relationship with my parents, but it hurt so bad. Not like the last time home. Neglect is bearable when I have friends and myself to count on. I got intimidated by Father and Mother. I feel Dad was manipulative and Mother is very controlling, but I was messed then.

I try get away, return to college, think it through. I thought my life was messed up cause my fault. But grown up I am. I have dreams and hopes and a strong heart. I smell funny. I start to find out why. I start to be scared of my own mom and dad. I take it my fault and thought I was going through something that they will understand, but they react bad to that. When I was growing, confusing and needed them, I got their bad-treatment and my own problems to deal with. They throw me in a mental facility where I got 5 minutes a day with a doctor and rest of the day stuck with a bed and bathroom and few rooms to walk around, for a month! I got treated like a psycho patient locked in a jail with bars and they word of "doing what's best for me." I give up then my emotions, my feelings, being me.

They let me out after a month and I got lectured every little time I have a feeling to express or something to communicate. I feel like never being there again. However, I get my chance to be alone again. I start to plan my days. I totally switch into a defence or survivor mechanism. Aahh, it's hard to continue.

As I was now, I start to avoid conflict with them the smart way. Thank god I was smart kid all the way. I act another way in front of them and secretly grieve in my own time, but the hurt part is when I feel happy and rare-joy. I have to confront the fact I am going to face them the next minute, and at start, the happy me got close to them. I feel squeezed out of my body. The chilling feeling I have is frightening.

I deal with that every day, praying to get away and tortured by the feeling I feel about my parents. And someday I surfed, got into a child abuse website, and I can't stop crying, cause I found the why. I was and am the abuse victim. The emotional and neglect abuse I am going through, it's not that impossible to bear as physical abuse, but I know in my head that given a chance out I will grab it, whatever it takes.

My father walk in. I, ahh, I don't know if I can continue to remember cause the look I got from my father. I told him I was writing. I am so scared. Even I give myself my best defence mechanism.

I am afraid, and the real me, I cut loose my mechanism. I got overwhelmed. My fear that my body will freeze and I cease to exist. I can't feel or do things. Things don't make sense, and suicide is still and never get off my list of options, but I am strong, and I will be, but I just want a way out. Is there anyone possible to understand this, cause people there they don't. They don't have a heart or something, I don't know. My self-awareness is not that good under the mechanism. I just want a life. It's hard. I won't be doing this if I don't think about my future. I can get the hurt minimum by compromise, but thank god I have a heart. My heart won't allow me. I am not quitting this.

Mother and Father are the type of people who have no limits when they feel bad. They make people feel bad for something not their fault, and people not stuck with them long enough to see that. They are the negative type, not the care to put them in the situation, and me, their most loved one, is the one to suffer. The one month incident is far more destructive and it made me having the fear with or without them as long as they have the power to do that again, and this society is not that good to help and I don't know what to do. I will start with talk to someone, but people don't have the power to get me out. You are far away, and people around. I screwed up. I will pay for the prize. They are either helping or hurting. They will think I am wrong.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

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