Child Abuse Story From Jo1

by Jo
(Arizona, USA)

It took me a very long time to figure out that the household that I grew up in wasn't completely "normal". I went into the foster care system at the age of 13, after almost a decade of abuse and neglect. My mother and I went to 9 battered women shelters that I can remember. As a child, I remember being locked in my room for days at a time, and having to urinate and defecate on my floor in the corner of my room. I remember rationing out my construction paper to eat, thinking that I might not have any food for up to a week.

When I did go to school, I went with an occasional black eye from my stepfather and there were always bruises. I only took a bath once a week, if I was lucky, and several of my bones were broken as a child. I was told that I wasn't allowed to have friends, and that if I told anyone the "secret", he would kill me. I remember desperately wanting someone to talk to, but my own mother was oblivious to the abuse for a long time. My mother was an alcoholic and a drug addict, and occasionally hooked herself out for money to support her habits. For the most part, she was depressed, and kept to herself in the basement of our house. The last time I saw her, she was just a skeleton to me. I hugged her and felt nothing because of how skinny and gone she was.

Most of my memories come in flashes, because I guess I blocked many of them out as a coping mechanism. I'm almost 20 years old, and I tend to try and not think about my past, or tell anyone about it. When I do think about it, it's almost as though I'm looking at a past life, or someone else's life. I visited a psychiatrist for only a few weeks while I was in foster care, and right away, she diagnosed me with OCD (Obsessive Compulsive Disorder) and PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). I had been previously diagnosed with OCD at the age of 5, so that wasn't a surprise. It's been a constant struggle throughout my life to control my thoughts and impulses, but I seem to be getting better. I've never taken any medicines, and I prefer it that way.

These days, I feel as normal as anyone else... I'm currently a manager at a fast food restaurant. I have several friends, and I have a decent relationship with my father's side of the family. I honestly don't really think too much about my past - but once in a blue moon, when things are stressful, I wonder why I am the way I am, and I go back. When I was being physically abused, I always went to another place in my head. I would imagine the beach or somewhere sunny, and I wouldn't feel the physical pain. I had a slight drug problem with cocaine and methamphetamine for a few years in my teens, but I've been clean for quite some time. I think most of my teen years were a transition for me into finding out who I was. Interacting with people was difficult for several years after the abuse, because I was unsure of myself around others after spending so much time alone in my room in the attic as a child. I've noticed that I tend to bond with older females that seem somewhat motherly to me sometimes. I've always been cautious around males, though.

For the most part, I'm happy and healthy, but it's a constant subconscious struggle to keep myself sane. Everyday, I wonder if I'm crazy, and sometimes I wish people could understand where I come from, but I'd rather not tell them, because I know how depressing the subject can be, and when I do talk or think about it, it seems to open up a can of worms and makes my OCD worse.

I pray for all of those out there that have been in similar situations, and may we all live prosperous and truly happy lives.

~Jo

Note from Darlene:
I am currently working on creating e-books which will provide my visitors access to specific and relevant child abuse information more readily. As this project will require a great deal of time and focus, I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of offering comments on all submissions. Please do not take my lack of response to your story personally; I mean no disrespect, nor is it intended as an invalidation of what you have endured. Indeed, I am honoured that you have chosen to post what has happened to you on my site. Whenever time permits, I will endeavour to provide supportive and validating replies. I hope you and my other visitors will continue to offer words of support and encouragement to the many contributors who have courageously shared of themselves through this site. I thank you for your understanding.

Sincerely,

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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