Child Abuse Story From JK

by Judy
(North Carolina, USA)

I was the youngest of five daughters and an identical twin. We lived in a very small house and often had other family members living with us. I can remember for two years, my bed was a pull-out couch that I shared with my twin sister. My mother was very controlling. She never supported any of us girls, unless we were doing what she wanted us to.

I can remember being in grade school and dressing myself in the morning and catching the bus, while my mother slept. My mom was always stressed. Dad worked nights and she stayed home playing both mom and dad. My sisters and myself were not bad kids. We never got into any real trouble.

As a child, I was very overweight. I was made fun of a lot, and always compared to my twin. When I turned fourteen, I began to starve myself. I remember always needing that empty feeling. I was a perfectionist and hated when people didn't like me. My grades began to fail. I remember my mother telling me I was a "f--k up" and that I "better be good in bed," because I "could not do anything else."

I always felt like a burden. My mom would put the bills on the fridge and remind us all how much we cost them. Her favorite saying was, "I hate my life. I hate you kids." It sounds sick, but as adults my sisters and I laugh about that.

The anorexia took 50 pounds off of me. When I went back to school the next year, people did not even know who I was. My mom tried to "snap me out of it" as she says. I guess reminding me that I was only doing this for attention was her therapy. I was not doing it for attention. I really did not know why I was doing it.

In high school, bulimia started. This monster would almost kill me. I was a pretty girl, but I did not date much. I did not like to be touched or kissed. I would get a sick feeling in my stomach and feel guilty. I felt different than the other girls. I hated myself and would often want to be dead, fade away.

When I was seventeen, my parents moved away and my twin sister and myself lived alone with an older sister. I put myself through senior year and had to graduate early and find a place to live. My mom and dad announced that they did not care if I graduated. So...at eighteen I found an answer while sitting in a bathroom at my sister's house. My twin sister and I began to talk about a dream we had more and more. It was flashbacks, really. We began to share the same ugly stories in detail. We were taken to the bathroom by a cousin and molested in the tub. A number of times. We cried and held each other. So, now I knew the self-mutilation had a reason. My nightmare had only begun. My sister and I drummed up the courage to tell my mom about the abuse. We almost died when she said, "Yes, I knew about it. The cousin was disciplined." I was so angry. Only one year before this, I sat at a psychiatrist's office with both of my parents and they said, "If she says she has been molested, she is lying." That was a hard pill to swallow.

At nineteen I met my husband at church. I became a Christian, and truly believe that is the only thing that has gotten me through. Eventually, my relationship with my parents would get better. But I have always lived far from them. They don't visit, and my two boys don't know them very well. I get up every morning with my boys. I enjoy life with them. I would rather die than ever hurt them in any way. Their childhood is so different from mine.

Forgiveness: Forgiveness is the process of ceasing to feel resentment, indignation or anger. Those are all hard things to do. I have forgiven, but not forgotten. It is the past, and it made me who I am; a loving wife and mother.

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