Child Abuse Story From Jill

by Jill
(Location Undisclosed)

As a kid I remember watching old films from WWII and the Holocaust on Saturday afternoon TV and I'd worry about how I'd be able to protect my own children if someone wanted to hurt them like that. It was was my greatest fear. I'd gone to counseling for the things I could remember about my childhood. My mom nearly died when I was 6 and my parents were always fighting. My brother had been mean to me and had gotten into trouble w/drugs, crime and sex. My parents had an ugly divorce using me as the pawn while I was in high school through college. Counseling helped a little.

When my kids were born, I was under pressure to work and put them in daycare, but I stayed home by working sometimes on the side. They're the most precious thing to me, I almost lost them to premature births. I wanted to be there to see them grow up. Occasionally, I became a different person: someone I didn't know existed. When triggered, I started yelling and treating them roughly and I didn't know where it was coming from. I felt so responsible.

My son who had multiple disabilities at birth, didn't see at the time why he had to share his little sister w/me. I'd ask him to stop hurting her but he wouldn't listen. I had to be vigilant for years to keep her safe. From 2 mos. on he would scream for hours at the littlest thing. He bit everyone and jumped really hard on me all the time. I had a feeling that this had happened to me before. I felt so burned out and knew I needed to find the source of my anger.

He needed full time care and lots of expensive therapy. My husband and I were arguing all the time about what to do for him. Our families lived far away. My mom started behaving strangely when she visited. Then she kidnapped my son when he was 5 and wouldn't give him anything but warm diet coke. She did this w/my niece too but her mom stopped it. My mom said her husband wanted me to send my 3 yr old daughter on a plane to stay w/him. They avoided being direct w/me about their behavior so I stopped their visits to protect the kids.

Something was wrong at school but my son couldn't talk very well. He was under observation for seizures so his teachers had been told to be really gentle w/ him. I witnessed his regular ed teacher abusing him and pulled him out of there. To this day, he's still telling me about wheat she did to him and other kids in his class. When I spoke to his special ed teacher afterward, I told her I had been abused as a child too. I felt so shocked for admitting this.

I gradually opened up, got more help, and helped myself fit the pieces together. It was like going through hell again, but I'd rather let it out than hold onto it for the rest of my life. Some days I felt like pressing my body through a wall when a memory came. I'd endured 20 years of childhood physical, emotional and sexual abuse as the outlet for my family's problems. As the baby, I'd been given the role of holding the family together and protecting them and their secrets. They handed me over to their family and friends who sexually abused me too. My father had the biggest role. I was daddy's little princess, daddy's sexual outlet from 1 to 20.

I could finally see where my reactions toward my kids were coming from and I broke the cycle. I've confronted my family. None of them recall or have taken responsibility for what they've done. They act like I've taken away their innocence though it's really the other way around, but that's denial. I know that they were abused in their childhoods because they aren't being real with me. I'd already stopped seeing my mom, and I decided to stop seeing my dad. My brother hasn't contacted me since. I'm so much happier because I can see that they are so childish inside and have no power over me anymore.

My kids and I are real with each other and very close. It's the best thing in the world.

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