Child Abuse Story From Jess D

by Jess D
(Massachusetts, USA)

this is part 5 in my story. im still struggling with it all. i faced my abuser, i sat at his house on his couch! its been almost 2 yrs and i cant move on. im still seeing a therapist and feel its doing nothing. i took a course at the rape crisis center in the town where i live and just graduated on 04/14/11 i guess im happy. now im a certified rape crisis counselor. i want to help others but feel as i cant help myself how can i? there is alot in my head that i need tool get out.

im very depressed and suicidal.always thinking of a way out. i lie to people like my therapist and husband when im feeling really down and i try to overdose. i just feel if i do than its all over, no more worries, no more guilt no more stress no more feelings of shame or dirty! i just want all this pain to go away. i feel as no one undertands me, yes they say they do and im sorry but they have no idea. my husband a little while ago asked me a question that haunst me everyday. about 2 months he asked me Y did i cont letting my abuser abuse me? if he was out of my house how? why? my answer was really? y gonna ask me that? how dare you? how could you judge me? after all i have been through you are going to ask me that? i got up and left my house for a few hours to clear my head.i came back at midnight and went to bed. i havenot sat with anyone who has gone through this. i feel so alone. i was physically abused by my mother for many years and rape by my step father for over 10 yrs. how can i move from that without saying everything. let me tell you some of the things no one knows.

PL would make me give him oral sex, he would make me lock his bedroom door and make sure no one can come in.he would pretend that his penis was his dumb. he would make me close my eyes and say we were playing a game. he would than put his penis in my mouth until he came. i would have to swallow him, so that there would not be anything on him. he would than pull up his pants turn up the tv and let me open the door. this happened in a regular basis. he would lay next to me at nite and put his penis in my vagina. i dont really remember if every night my older sister would be there or not but i knew some of the time she was! did she remember/did she forget? i really dont know. this is the same sister that also got rape repeatedly. he would lay next to me side by side, pull his pants down, pull mine down just enough to put it in. i remember it hurt and i felt wetness, once he came (which i know now, but not then)he would make me change my underwear. tell me it was part of his game.i would say i was 4 5 maybe idk.

when i was 12-13 it still continue he moved out when i was 9 because my sister reported him. no one beleived her. he than became my neighbor and yet continued.This time is was different it was more detailed, i was like his sex toy. i didnt know what to do i had no one to talk to. no role models, my older sister was in and out of foster home by this time, i know now why she acted the way she did.being sexually abused and physically abused how else can a person act when all this is going on. i felt alone it still continued. my memories come n go. as days go on i remember little things like having orgasm from him.it happened alot was it 5times was it 100? i never knew what that was until years later when i lost what i think was my virginity.when this happen at his yellow house there were people outside his bedroom door in the kitchen. i stopped by with a lady and a group of kids walkin to a nearby park. the lady lived downstairs and we all wanted water,i was terrified and told the lady i would keep on walkin towards the park.as we got closer he was in the window and called me, his neighbor of course had no idea so i went up and i remeber him making me ride him until he came. i was just a child, yet i ask myself if he was out of my house why did i continue having him hurt me? his neighbor started knockin at the door to tell me she was ready, i said ok ill be out in a minute.when he was done he reminded me it was a game and not to say anything.

i saw him at a community health center and i freaked out.first i wasnt sure if it was him or not but about 2 wks later, someone told me and confirmed with me that in fact it was him! so close, i could of acted, done something. i hate with all my heart i feel as i beleive in god but yet y me? why cant i get over this?

i remember being in his new place, he called me up as i was playing hide and seek. i tried to ignor him but that was impossible the kids around me were tellin me he was calling me.so of course they had no idea of the abuse so i went upstairs. i walked up 4 flights of stairs i dreaded it. he had a family friend there who knew what was going on, he left for about 30 mins which seems for me like hrs.i was about 10-11 than when he was done his friend came back. i wanted to leave but his friend wanted to "hang out" so no choice i had to stay. he started touching me. put his hands under my shirt, his hnd down my pants and PL watching as he was cookin. he did not rape me (the family friend) but did molest me. i felt so dirty all over again, felt even worse. bad enough 1 but 2? family friend did it a bunch of times over and over, i can feel his penis behind me. i can hear his voice in my ear as this went on. every time he came over my house i pretended that nothing happened, they neva beleive my older sister so why beleive me? no one knows about the family friend, they know about PL.i ahve tried so many differnt ways of healing and nothing seems to work. from music to bubble baths, massage from my husband to goin out to a movie, yes it help for that moment but that it.my depression is worse than eva before. i wrote more of my story to see if maybe this is a way of healin. i said things that no one at all know. i feel people judge me. tell me to snap out of it, or take it easy or say things like im sorry...im tired of all this i know they are trying but i guess i need more.i feel as i cant be alone. my thoughts gets worse as weeks go on. i try the gym 1.5 hrs when i can and sometime 2.5 hrs on weekends.i get into my moods like a black hole a black room where no one is ther just me and have my negative thoughts. black room where im alone with just him trying to hurt him, trying to tell me its ok, him still raping me still me as a kid. when i get in this mood i try to get out of it but its hard...BLACK is all i see! no one can get me out of it...my husband had a couple of times but other than that im alone, either at work, home driving, where im it and i feel this way thats it, i try to forget my negative thoughts but somtimes its impossible.

i constantly think of suicide im looking into a hospital but scared, what if its a waste of my time. today its one of those days, i guess thats y im writing, i talk to a co worker which somtimes helps me. i try sometimes to talk to my husband but its hard, i dont want him depressed sad or feeling bad for me. sometime i wanna be alone other days i want him but its not fear for him if he doent know what mood i am. he cant guess, i know that so i feel bad. i love him with all my heart. him and my 4kids. y isnt that enough? y when i get in this mood no one matters? Y? i know that i love em and they mean the world to me but y? my husband is an amazing man, wonderful father n husband would give me the world.he wants the jess that i once was.i am trying but i take one step forward and ten back. i have a support family but in my black space i have no feelings no thoughts of anthing but negative and want it all to end.no one understands. my hushand tries but all that i have said in this site will be surprising to him he has no idea! i have my sister which was my best friend is no longer the same. getting better but not there yet, i guess i gotta take it in baby steps. my other close nd best friend who i would talk to everyday i no longer talk to as much. my new friend i try to open up but its hard. she is such a positive person and im going throgh all negative it diffrenet to talk. i love her to death but cant open up as much as i want to, is hard for me. i cant be ok and open up.i feel as if i open up with everything i need hrs no interuption no kids no nothing.i neva have that time, home with kids and husband, no way! too difficult. please help god if you are there, give me a sign that i can get over all of this! please.

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