Child Abuse Story From Jeff H

by Jeff H
(Dallas, Texas, USA)

My abuse started at age four, after my mother (who had divorced my dad when I was still an infant) moved us out of my grandparents' house (where I had enjoyed a pleasant life). I feel I must interject that I am one of the very few who possess an uncanny recollection of my early childhood.

As I said, my mother moved out and got an apartment, and being alone and obviously feeling great animosity for my father (who I favor very much looks wise) began to take her anger towards my dad out on me. She having also a very bad temper would hate on me for being his offspring, tormenting me and telling she wished I'd never been born and screaming at me about how she should've had an abortion. Every time something didn't go her way she took it out on me, beating unmercifully for having accidently spilled something or for whatever small understandable mistake a four-year-old might make. Each day I would get beat and told I was worthless, and this will sound strange to you but...she told me CONSTANTLY (beginning at age four mind you) and I quote, "God! I hate you. You're gonna be just like your dad. You'll never be able to hold down a job and you'll wind up in prison just like him." I tell the truth. That, coupled with severe beatings numbering approximately 300 a year I had to hear this.

The years passed and eventually the reoccurring nightmares which accompanied my abuse and the PHYSICAL abuse stopped when I was (though I'm ashamed to say) at age 15 when I finally struck her back punching her several times in her arm as I pursued her down the hallway of our apartment.

But the physical abuse and its bizarre effects still haunt and ruin my present life.

I am 45 years old and have had over 120 jobs. I have been to numerous county jails and have three felony convictions and have spent 7 years of my life locked up in jails and prisons. I have no job skills to speak of. I have had a very overwhelming extremely deep-seated expectation of failure. Always when I get a job, a plethora of negative thoughts flood my brain like voices telling me and explaining in detail how I'm going to lose my job and though I go to extremes to prevent the loss (after being "de-briefed" on exactly what particular scenarios I can expect) it all is for nothing. Because lo and behold exactly what I am told by this entity or entities materializes time after time with uncanny precision.

I am a very nice and extremely personable and up-beat person. Never ever been a thief, nor violent in any way. I am greatly adored by all who meet me, unless for some odd reason they seem to glare at me without even knowing me and usually this individual will attempt to do something to affect me negatively. I am one of the few people that genuinely cares for others and possesses a great burden for the contentment of others. I love to make people smile everywhere I go and am amazingly outgoing and cheerful despite my strange predicament. I'm not trying to incorporate a greater sympathy by my little self-exalting dissertation. Just letting you know that the abuse I've suffered has at least had a few positive effects or has not managed to embitter me in any way.

I eventually was introduced to drugs at a very vulnerable time in my life, being brought up around lower income families and subjected to peers of similar fate. The drugs where a way of escape for me. They made me feel good when as a late teen I was of a very low self esteem and very much abused and constantly ridiculed, beaten without remorse by a hateful and very conniving mother even on holidays, in fact especially so to be frank. It was as if my mother could not stand to see me happy.

Most of my crimes where the result of being exposed to drugs and being in the wrong place at precisely the wrong time. Again battling these voices which would explain how I would wind up getting blamed for something I DID NOT DO so that my mother's words would again ring true. So, the hatred of my mother towards me extended to her stealing from me what little I had even to the point of robbing me, employing an attorney of questionable practices to cheat me out of my grandfather's inheritance that he verbally laid to my claim whenever opportunity allowed and was writing a will just for my sake when he died unexpectedly to my surprise before it was finished. The house where I lived with and took care of my grandfather who I loved and who was like a father to me (though he travelled frequently and was ashamed to hear of my abuse and took the approach of denial concerning it) but who nevertheless I loved, was taken from me. I was abruptly removed from the new home that expressly according to my GF's adamant wish was to be mine and a an IRA account I had given him 2,000 for somehow came up missing.

I have lived on more sofas than I care to think about and lost more jobs than most people have hairs on their head (exaggeration of course). So here I am, in appearance as it were a TOTAL LOSER, 45 years old and no job, no car, no nothing. In fact there was a time for three years straight that I was completely homeless, actually living under highway bridges and abandoned cars for 3 straight years. Not proud of that. I can even fathom the faith of believing I could ever have security or stability, I could sooner drum up the faith to fly over the mountains by merely leaping. This is the result of my verbal abuse and how it has been an integral component of the very fabric of my being. Thanks for listening.

Note from Darlene: I regret that I can no longer continue the practice of commenting on visitor submissions to the degree I have in the past, as I am currently writing a book on healing from child abuse. I ask that you please read my post of June 24, 2009 titled Announcement Regarding my Comments for a complete explanation. I welcome you to follow my progress on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I do hope to hear from you there.

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.