Child Abuse Story From Jaya
by Jaya
(USA)
Paradise Lost, Battles Won:
When I was 6 years old my family lived in India, and unlike what watching Slumdog Millionaire would have you think we lived in a humble but beautiful town. We had a lovely backyard facing vast upward sloping Hills and a gorgeous view of the country side. Nothing bad ever happened where we lived and trust was something that came naturally.. It was here that I played, and learned, and grew, and pretended to build castles out of mango tree branches and while I have fond memories of that time and place I also remember that it was here where the darkness began.
My next door neighbor used to babysit me, he was a teenager, maybe 18 from what I remember and we had known the family for many years. I looked up to him as an older brother. I trusted him, followed him around like a puppy, begged him to play with me. Being a kid sometimes I would rush up to him in my little mermaid swimsuit with the little cloth fins sewn on the rear and think nothing of it. I didn't know that he would linger his hand just a little too long over my body or look at me with anything other than brotherly love.
It was around that time that he started teaching me how to play "games." He taught me how to play "doctor" where he would strip off all my clothes and "look" inside me. He would push apart my legs with his cold fingers and then tell me he was looking to make sure I wasn't getting sick, sometimes he used other objects, and to my future guilt and shame I remember I looked forward to these games, I adored his attention. His "attentions" escalated over time, he would penetrate me, inserting his fingers and sometimes his tongue inside me. It would hurt sometimes but I trusted him. He would kiss my stomach and my mouth, and I would kiss him back thing we were playing "daddy" and "mommy." years later now I curse my participation in his sickness, even though I know that at the time I didn't know any better. He was discovered eventually, caught in the act, and all I can remember is pain, tears, and anger all around. I'm bit older now but the damage has lingered. Being from a conservative family I never went to therapy, I never talked about what happened, instead I buried it, and now I realize the damage that was done. I lived in guilt.
I know it was many years ago, I know most days I am fine, but sometimes I know that my decisions are fueled by that event. As a teenager I allowed other trusted man to abuse me. I said nothing when I wanted to scream no, I invited danger, treated my body like an object to be used. Where others would have screamed,I stayed silent and accepted my "punishments." I thought I deserved to be abused so I accepted it, sometimes I invited it. I entered unhealthy relationships with emotional and other forms of abuse...and as a young adult now I still struggle with these dark emotions, every day. I fight to assert myself and to know that despite what any man may tell me, I am not a w***e, I am not a b***h, I'm not a s**t to be used and abused, and some days they win, but some days I win too. And life goes on, and I have hope that In the end I will win more than I lose. Because that's what life's about, just keep swimming. thank you for letting me share my story.
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