Child Abuse Story From Helena M

by Helena M
(Calgary, Alberta, Canada)

I am now 24 turning 25 years old. I grew as a tom-boy in an isolated community far up north. As far as I can remember, I was 4 or 5 years old when I started becoming sexually abused by people I thought were my friends (2 boys who were 4 years older than me). I could remember being forced to watch porn and do the things the girls on TV would do. This all carried on until I was 14 or 15 years old. When I finally started hanging out with girls in high school, it did not happen as often because I wasn't hanging out with the boys as much, though it would happen every now and then.

From grade 10 and on, I became a very promiscuous girl. I would go out with all sorts of guys just for the fun of it and to say, "I went out with this many guys so far." I never really had feelings for any of them. They were just another guy on my list. Then I got into smoking drugs and drinking heavily. There would be nights I wouldn't remember anything because I just got so high.

I got into a two-year college diploma program in 2004. I did well in the first semester, then I lost sight of my overall goal and got back into the heavy drinking again. I remember the one week I drank every night and never went to school. It was that week I had a one-night stand with a total stranger, and 1 month later I found out I was pregnant from a person who I didn't even know his last name. I only knew what he looked like. This was just before spring break. I decided to abort the baby during my spring break and did so before I returned back to school.

Now I live far, far away from home in a relationship. It's been 4 years now since I moved away from home and since I've been in this relationship. This man I am with knows of my past abuse and has been by my side through all my crying. He loves me unconditionally regardless of the fact that I can't even trust him or believe a word he says. I need help with not letting this abuse affect my relationship.

My last Christmas at home I confronted one of the two boys who are now all grown up. I spoke to the one with a family of his own: 1 girl, one boy. I now have closure for this guy because he apologized to me for what he did all those years ago. I told him never to let this happen to his girl because it affected every part of my life growing up.

The other guy lives in the same city as I do and I have never confronted him. I always worry that I'll run into him and not know what to do. I am always looking over my shoulder every time I go out. It is he I haven't confronted and why I think I cannot close this horrible part of my life. I've taken counselling for this and was told if I wrote letters to him just to vent, it would make me feel better and it has but I don't feel the closure I have with the other guy.

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