Child Abuse Story From Heather L
by Heather L
(Location Undisclosed)
Still Hurting After 21 Years:
My abuse happened from the age of about six, until I was about 8. It happened repeatedly and not only by one person. I think the most significant person that was sexually abusing me was our babysitter. I am the only girl and have 3 younger brothers. I do not remember all of the details, nor do i remember when or exactly how it started. I think I blocked most of it out of my mind. I first realized what was happening to me was wrong while I was in the first grade. This is atleast months after the abuse had been going on. I recall breaking down in the class while the teacher was speaking about the parts of the body that were off limits from anyone to touch. I left the classroom crying and went to the guidance counselors office. I did not tell her what I was so upset about. I went home that day and found it hard to do my homework because I had missed the explanation of it while I was out of the classroom. So, I asked my mother for help with it. When she asked me why I didnt know how to do it, I told her I had missed the instrution. As she proded as to why I wasnt in class, I felt like I could then tell her what was going on. She did not believe me, or just simply did not want to have to do anything about it. So the abuse continued. I am not sure if he actually had sex with me, because as I said before, I think I have burried those details deep in my memory. I do however remember going to the bathroom and wiping blood from my vaginal area. I ended up moving to live with my father when I was about 8 1/2 years old. So the abuse from him stopped. I told my dad about it when I was around 12. I had also been molested by one of his close friends that was watching me one day while he had to work. I never told him because I was scared of what my dad might do. I also had come to believe that I was a sexual object to be used by anyone that wanted it. I started having sex when I was 11. I didnt realize until later in life that I didnt respect myself as anything more than a sexual object, and actually it took me until I was about 22, when I had my daughter. I thought I was healed then, boy was I wrong. As I said before I am now 27. I am attending college to become a registered nurse. It is finals time and I had to choose my own topic for my psychology oral presentation. So I chose child molestation, thinking I am over my own issues. As I started to read more and more, I began to realize how truly emotionally and psychologically messed up I am. All of my relationships have gone bad. Either because I become the provider/protector, and stop caring about what I need or want, and what will make me happy, or because I unconciously sabatoge the good relationships. I choose men that are unavailable,whether that be emotionally or physically. I never got closure. I never had anyone to listen to me. And to this day, my mother still will not speak to me about what happened even though I have attempted. I really do not have anyone in my life that I can depend on. I feel like I am lost. I am in a relationship now with a man that I think is wonderful, and I can not help but think that I dont deserve him, or that our relationship is even as meaningful as I feel it is. Everything that I was reading about the abused is exactly how I feel, or act. I feel like I'm not lovable, ugly, etc. All of these feelings go out the window if I'm drunk though. I feel like my whole life I've been living in denial. I have been abused physically, emotionally, or sexually my whole life. I am writing this because I felt ispired to tell this part of my story as soon as I saw that it was an option. I didnt even think twice. I guess it is a good thing that I finally have realized all of these things even though it is so many years later. I dont know where this letter will go, or if it will be helpful to anyone, but I hope that it is. Now that I have had this epiphany, I am going to seek help asap, because I refuse to let this ruin the rest of my life. Thank you for giving me the knowledge that I obtained from this site, and also this outlet to tell part of my story.
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