Child Abuse Story From Gem
by Gem
(Location Undisclosed)
I have kept my past life a secret for so long thinking that I would forget about it but I only fooled myself. Recently I realized that I have been pushing people away even my dearest friends. I have a friend that went through a similar childhood of mine and I told her to move on as if it were that easy and i should know best. Every day I struggled not thinking about my childhood so I decided to write down my story in this site because my friend told me that she wrote down her story here and it helped her a lot. So, here goes.
I remember a lot from my childhood, the bad and the good memories. But sometimes I think that some of the bad memories I remember are only bad dreams I had and that's when I get confused. I think to myself sometimes: was everything a dream? but the next day I tell myself that it wasn't and that all those bad things did happen. Ever since I was a little girl my mom used to beat me and my sister up when she got mad. For any insignificant little thing she'd get furious and beat us up. My dad was the same but he didn't beat us up as much as my mom. That was the physical abuse I received until age 10 and then suddenly my parents didn't beat us up anymore. Now the earliest memory of having sexual relations was that of age 3 I think. It was with a kid who was like 3 or 4 years older than me and he was teaching me how to do it. I can't remember who that kid was but I do remember that he was also a child. We lived in a big house and many families lived with us including my mom's sister's family and my dad's sister's family, so I had a lot of cousins who were boys and girls. Some were younger than me by like 2 years, some were my same age, and the others were the age of my sister's which was like three years older than me. I remember my sister used to play with our cousins her age a lot. I wanted to play with them too but when I saw what they were playing it disgusted me. They were kissing each other and so one of my cousins grabbed me and started kissing me which I thought was super gross. He would pretend to be my boyfriend and I didn't like it, it made me mad. This happened when i was about 6 and pretty soon that cousin started having sex with me and soon it was his brother who was having sex with me too. I don't know why I didn't tell my mom back then but it was probably because I was scared of her. Anyway, all this continued until I was eight and then I started having sex with my cousins who were younger than me. I treated it as a game and all this continued until I was almost 10 years old. Then one day when one of my older cousins was making me have sex with him, I told him to STOP IT!! I said: I don't like this!! I started crying and told him that this was wrong, that he was doing a bad thing to me and that I was doing the same bad thing to my younger cousins too. I told him that I was going to tell my mom everything bad I was doing and the bad things they were doing to me too, I was gonna write it all down in a letter and then run away. He begged me not to tell anything, he got on his knees and begged and begged so I didn't do anything. I told him that I didn't want him and his brother to do anything to me anymore and that I was never going to do the same things to my younger cousins anymore because it all made me feel disgusting and a very very bad person. After that day, they never touched me again and I never touched my younger cousins again either. It has been almost 15 years since all this happened. I distanced myself from almost all my family because I didn't want to be reminded of past anymore. It hurt me so much what my parents did to me, it hurt me what my cousins did to me, but what hurt me the most was what I did to my younger cousins. I knew how much it hurt me what my cousins did to me, I didn't like it at all. Yet, knowing that it didn't stop me from doing the same thing to my other cousins. I know I was a child too back then but that doesn't excuse me for what I did, nothing does. Hurting others is way worse than being hurt yourself. All these years I have felt so guilty for what I did and why shouldn't I, right? I have no idea how my cousins are doing nowadays. I just hope with all my heart that what I did to them didn't affect them, that they were all able to live happy lives. It doesn't matter if they hate me or never forgive me for what I did to them, all that matters to me is that they are happy and safe. As for the cousins who hurt me, I don't hate them, I did before for a while but not anymore, I just hope that they never hurt anyone again. I don't know how to go with my life. I'm 25 years old and alone. I tried seeking help before but got scared and left the doctor's office. I hardly talk to my family and most of the friends I have I pushed them away because I don't consider myself to be a good person for what I did in the past. My best friend who went through a similar childhood like me told me once that she wrote her story in this site and that's why I decided to write down my story in here as well. I have even managed to push her away, the only one who knew my secret. So now, that I feel so alone and don't know what else to do.
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