Child Abuse Story From Erin R

by Erin R
(Fort Collins, Colorado, USA)

I come from a Christian home, but have lived with a great secret my whole life. My dad has lived the secret with me. I turned 21 yesterday. I woke up hung-over today, and sat around the house thinking about my life so far. I will try to explain in detail, but I have forgotten quite a bit of what happened.

I was about 11 when he first started to touch me. I knew from the start he was nervous about touching me. I was in the bathroom after a shower with just my bottoms on. My dad walked in to turn the water on so he could take a shower. He looked at me in the mirror and stared at my chest. I tried to act normal, even though I knew he had noticed my forming chest. My mom came by the door and saw me there with Dad. She yelled at me to wear a top in front of other people. My dad was red in the face about being caught by my mom. I hate to say it, but I felt almost excited about what had happened. My dad noticed my developing body; something I was hoping would happen at school with the boys. But what happened after that, I didn't think would happen.

My dad would reach his hands up my shirt and touch my chest. This only happened if nobody else was around. If he heard anything, his hands left, and he pulled down my shirt. I told him not to touch me, but he never listened. He didn't get me alone much, luckily for me. I come from a big family, so people were around quite a bit. But if he had the chance, he touched my chest. He wanted to go lower too, but I would scream if he tried. But for 2 years or so, he fondled my chest. He was scared about me telling Mom about what he did to me. He would tell me it was a secret, and that he did it to me to help them grow. Sometimes he even said the "Daddy's do this to their little girls" speech. I knew it was wrong, but I allowed it to happen because it wasn't that big of a deal for me. They are just boobs, I always told myself.

Things took a drastic change one day after my softball game when I was in the 8th grade. After watching my game, my dad drove me to his work because he'd forgotten something in his office. Nobody was around, and he was showing me his office and some other rooms. I don't remember exactly, but I don't think he had touched me for over a month. He didn't touch me because he never had a good chance, not because he forgot about me. He was behind me and started doing the usual touching my chest. As always, I told him to stop, but he didn't. He tried to keep me relaxed by asking me about the game. I was nervous because of the length of time he was fondling me for. Usually it lasted only a minute or two. His questions were becoming more personal. He was telling me how beautiful I was and how lucky he was to have me for a daughter. I tried to get him to stop and even tried to run outside. At home, I knew somebody would come home at any minute so he wouldn't try anything too dangerous for fear of being caught. But at the office, I was fair game.

Sure enough, his hands slipped down my pants, and he began fingering me. I was screaming for him to stop, but he never did. Before long he had my clothes off, fingering me and kissing my body everywhere. My dad orally raped me over and over in his office that day. He didn't take his clothes off, but did unzip and "released himself."

Finally he finished, and again asked me to keep it a secret. He said he couldn't help himself watching me play softball. He also said if Mom found out, she would divorce him and the family would be ruined. Besides this, he was an elder in our church.

I have three younger brothers, so I never told. My dad didn't stop his ways, though. He knew I wouldn't say anything, since I hadn't spoken about the office incident. He continued to have oral sex on me, and he fingered me frequently. He did go all the way and raped me when I was in high school. He had intercourse with me about 3 times a month between the ages of 14 and 18. I was on birth control all of the time.

I married my husband right out of high school. My dad tried to have sex with me the week following my honeymoon. I told him NO! Never again! If you try it I will tell Jon, my husband. I wasn't kidding either. He hasn't touched me since.

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