Child Abuse Story From Elle

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Child Abuse Story From Elle

by Elle
(Location Undisclosed)

It's interesting that some of these stories I've browsed have some of the same elements that I struggle with. Mainly, I know my story is not as bad as 99% of those out there. I've never broken a bone, I've never even been to the hospital. Everyone I knew thought my family was perfect, and to this day, I can't talk to someone about them without them saying how wonderful they are. So, I feel a bit conflicted about some of my memories of growing up with these really wonderful people.

One of my earliest memories involved me playing with my little brother. I took one of his blocks, but not to upset him or anything, I just wanted it. I remember him starting to scream like little toddlers do when their toy is taken from them, and I just froze, because I knew what my mom would do if she saw him crying, and me obviously the cause of it. I tried to get him to stop, but it was too late. I remember my mom coming behind me, and me trying to apologize, but there was a look on her face, and I just shut up, covered my head and just took it. I took it for years. Wooden spoons still freak me out a bit. It took me a little while to cook with them without getting shaky.

I can't remember a time when I wasn't scared or sad. I tried so hard to be good and do everything just right, but no matter what it was, it wasn't enough for my mom. She would go from spitting mad to completely indifferent to my fears or insecurities in a blink. I never knew quite what to expect. My parents screamed a lot, at us, and at each other. The only thing I knew to do was exactly as I was told, as was expected. I'm coming to terms that even that didn't work. I'm still a stupid, naive, weak child. If, after giving absolutely everything I can, it still isn't enough to have her at least like me, I must be worthless.

Somewhere inside, I feel like maybe that isn't true, and I'm feeling more confident as I strive to heal. I'm 26. I have a loving husband and 4 beautiful boys. I can be a good mom. That's what I'm holding onto.

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Child Abuse Story From Elle

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Aug 29, 2008

A similar childhood...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Elle, you said "there was a look on her face," referring to your mother. It was the "look" that signaled the beating to come. I know the look you're referring to; my mother had that terrifying look just about every day of my young childhood. The beatings that followed were vicious. Most of the time I really believed she was going to kill me. I so understand you covering your head and just "taking it." We lived similar lives: the incessant arguing between your parents; the constant fear and sadness; all the while knowing that no matter how good you were, you would never be good enough, that no matter how hard you tried, you would never be lovable.

I can also relate to the emotional shakiness that overcame you whenever you saw a wooden spoon, even in adulthood. For me, it was whenever my husband would remove his belt from his pants when he got ready for bed. Although there was nothing sinister in him removing his belt—just as there was nothing threatening about using a wooden spoon to cook with—my heart would pound in my chest, I felt sick to my stomach, and my whole body would tremble in fear; a Pavlovian response. I had to learn that the implement (and my husband, of course) were not the culprits. I had to learn that the belt was the object used by the culprits (my mother and father), and that though the belt was a trigger for the memories, the belt itself would never again hurt me. I also had to learn that my mother and father could never again hurt me. I had to learn that I was no longer a helpless child. It was a process, that's for sure. This is what parents can leave children with when they strike and/or beat a child, especially when they do so out of anger and rage. The emotional effects scar much deeper than just about any physical abuse ever can.

Elle, I will not sign off until I say you are NOT stupid. You are NOT weak. You are NOT naive. And most of all, you are definitely NOT worthless. You are STRONG to have endured and survived all that you did in that house of terror. You are SMART and COMPASSIONATE. You are CARING and GIVING. You should have had loving, nurturing, supportive parents. That was your birthright. And believe me, you were—ARE—lovable. Instead, you were dealt a life filled with adversity.

And now here you are, a mom to 4 precious little boys, a mom who can choose to live her life setting a positive example for those boys. The best gift you can give them, Elle, is to take very good care of their mother. As you strive to heal from your past, I hope you have enlisted the aide of a qualified counsellor, because doing this kind of work alone is like trying to run when your legs are stuck in heavy tar. Be kinder to yourself than your parents were to you. You deserve that, Elle. You really do.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Nov 12, 2008

Wooden spoon phobia
by: Mark

I can commiserate with everything you said in your post. I too tried to be perfect, but still was never good enough and was punished. If one of my brothers was crying and I was nearby, it was again my fault. Wooden spoons can freak me out times as well because my mom used them quite often on me.

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Child Abuse Story From Elle

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Child Abuse Story From Elle