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Child Abuse Story From Elisha

by Elisha
(Arizona, USA)




My past is pretty faded so I don't remember much at all, but I do know that I was sexually abused by my babysitter. Not only was I abuse, but my sister was also abused.

I was maybe 5 years old and she was 3 years old. My parents would take us to a babysitter's house while they went to work. The babysitters were an older couple, maybe in their 50's. I remember my little sister crying, throwing a fit, every time we were left there. I think I liked going there. The lady was so nice, she had a talking parrot, and I would help her cook. She had a lot of elephant knick-knacks, and chickens in the backyard. I don't think our abuse came from her, but I'm sure she knew about it. I only have one memory of the man, her husband. I was going out back, and I saw him standing there with his zipper down, holding his penis out. He told me to touch it. I said no and went back inside. This memory of him standing there haunts me every day. I'm so glad I knew it was wrong and went back inside. This is all I remember about the babysitters.

I was maybe 13 years old when I found out that my parents knew my little sister had been molested. They found out when they took her to the doctor's. What I don't get is, after finding out about the abuse, why did they continue to take us there?

I have never once heard anything about my abuse, but I know I was. I remember my sister and I would rub up against hard surfaces because it felt good. I would hide and do it so my mom wouldn't find me because she would get mad. One time, we were visiting my cousin. My cousin and I were on the swing set and I would rub against the swing. I told my cousin to do it because it felt good. I would even do it at school.



My parents got divorced when I was 11. I went to live with my mom at my aunt's house. I would take a pillow and act like I was having sex with it. When my cousins and I would play house, I told them the pillows would be our boyfriends and we would have sex with them. I don't know where or how I learned this. As I got older I stopped doing that. I became more shy and reserved. Through Junior High and High School, I was pretty much a loner. I had maybe 2 best friends. I found it hard to talk to people. I don't know why I was like this. It's so weird, and I don't understand.

I'm 21 years old now. I'm no longer the shy little girl. I look back on my past with disgust. How could have I done those things? Where did I learn it from? I wish I could get answers, but I'm so ashamed to talk to anyone about it. I think about it every day, but I don't let it get the best of me. It sometimes kills me on the inside when I really start to think about it, but for the most part, I am happy.

My sister has lots of emotional and behavioral problems now. Doctors can't seem to find out exactly what is wrong with her. She is 19 years old, but seems to have a mind of a younger person.

My past is faded, so I think of it as just a dream. I don't know what made me come to this site, but reading others' stories made me not want to keep my secret closed anymore. I want to get answers, but I don't know where to start. I think I do have emotional and sexual problems. But I JUST DON'T KNOW....

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Comments for
Child Abuse Story From Elisha

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Jan 04, 2008
 Looking for answers...
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

First off, Elisha, NOTHING about your past behaviour warrants being disgusted. You were a child; not an adult. You can't attach your now-adult values on your childhood conduct. When children rub themselves to feel good—and of course it felt good; don't be ashamed about that—it's called "comforting behaviour," which is perfectly normal. If you haven't already read my comments to Gabriela, titled You didn't LET anything happen..., I urge you to do so. My comments apply to you in much the same way they apply to Gabriela.

What the male babysitter did when he exposed himself to you and told you to touch him, is called non-contact sexual abuse. Whether or not the sexual abuse went further is difficult to say.

You wrote: "When my cousins and I would play house, I told them the pillows would be our boyfriends and we would have sex with them. I don't know where or how I learned this." Elisha, this behaviour may or may not have been as a result of being further molested. Consider this: You may have been exposed to this knowledge simply by the accidental witnessing of a sexual act. Perhaps when your parents were being intimate; perhaps your mother had a boyfriend after your parents divorced and you inadvertently caught them in a sexual encounter. Again, you are applying your now-adult values to behaviour you did not know was inappropriate when you were a child. To continue to lambaste yourself, to continue to feel guilty for the innocent behaviour you exhibited as a child is counterproductive.

As for your sister, when the doctor confirmed she had been sexually abused, that doctor had a legal duty to report it to the authorities. Your parents had a moral duty to report as well. And they should NEVER have allowed either of you to go back to that couple's home. Everyone involved failed BOTH you and your sister, everyone.

Elisha, if you are thinking about and questioning what happened to you as a child, it IS getting the best of you. Counselling may help you put this in better perspective.
Jan 08, 2008
 Hey
by: Anonymous

Im glad you didn't keep your secret in, but i think you should really go to someonE and talk about it thasts the oinly way its going to help :D
Jan 10, 2008
 Stay positive, stay strong.
by: The Crazy Trucker

HI ELISHA,

Try to stay strong and know that you were not the one responsible for what happened when you were a child. You have no reason to feel guilty or disgusted about your actions in the past. The adults are the one who were wrong and they will be dealt with if not by authorities in this world then by the judgement of God.

If you feel better about talking about this then your should keep doing what you are doing with posting your story but as soon as possible actually talk to someone knowledgable about communicating with people having gone through such trying times. You deserve to be relieved of the burdon of silence so that you can be happy and continue to go forward with your life.

You will be just fine. The Crazy Trucker told you that.

Make sure you read the good book (Bible)and some motivational materials to help keep your mind on the right path as you grow beyond the past and into the future. I suggest the Author Zig Ziglar's How to get what you want or Stephen Covey's 7 habits (Anything by those guys actually)

I wish you the best of luck and will say a prayer for you. Hug yourself for me babygirl. PEACE and LOVE.
Feb 06, 2008
 I can relate and I was in fact sexually abused.
by: Anonymous

Elisha,
I have experienced the same thing with the shame of sexual behavior I exhibited as a child. I always wondered where I got it from and what was wrong with me. When I became a teenager I too then became very shy and reserved. I always questioned if I had been molested and even my mother asked me as an adult if I had ever been molested because of my discomfort and distrust toward men. It wasn't until recently that I was able to recover memories of sexual abuse and rape by my father. I had started journaling to try and recover memories of my past regarding a completely different subject. I knew I needed some sort of healing and I felt the past held the key and lots of unresolved issues. My past is something I never wanted to think about. When I started journaling, memories of other things started to come back slowly at first and then over the course of several months, the flood gates opened and all sorts of memories started pouring out. They just kept coming to me, I wrote them down as they popped in my head until one day I was getting flashes of things I don't think I wanted to remember. But it was too late, the memories had surfaced and they weren't going to go away so easily again. I am happy to know them now though because it does answer so much about my past and present behavior and the feelings that I have been carrying around with me all these years. I am not saying that you have necessarily been abused because it could be you learned these behaviors through exposure and non-contact abuse but I wanted to share my experience with you because as I read your story, I remember feeling that way my entire life and it just so happens that I was sexually abused. I recommend journaling and seeing a counselor. I hope this helps and good luck.

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