Child Abuse Story From Elisabeth

by Elisabeth
(United Kingdom)

Child abuse effect on adulthood: 
My abuse started when I was 6. First just physical and verbal from my stepfather, my mum married. I didn't like him from the first moment I saw him. Nobody did. Still don't know what my mum saw in him.

I have an older sister (3 years older). Mum got pregnant with my bro straight away. It was the highlight of their life.

Our stepfather really hated us. Whenever he got angry he smacked us, shouted, humiliated. Never let us play. Always had to help around the house. We lived on a quite good size of farm, with lots of animals and land. Never got a Christmas present or a b-day present or in fact any present or toys. Of course my brother got lots. I was the babysitter 24/7. If he cried I got smacked.

The sexual abuse started with my sister when she was about 10 or 11. It was just really obvious for me, but to nobody else. At 14 she moved to boarding school. I knew it would be my turn now. By manipulating, he somehow always managed to make me do whatever he wanted. If I refused he made my life a living hell. So it seemed a small price just let him do whatever he wanted. A few minutes and it was all over.

First he just pulled his penis out, made me hold it, then later oral, eventually all the way. Went though terrific pain, was bleeding all the time. But at least when he got what he wanted the shouting and hitting stopped.

At the age of 16 my sister run away from home, started drinking heavily, and tried to kill herself twice. In the hospital she told the doctor what she had been though. My dad threatened me, threatened to kill the whole family if I said anything. I believed he was capable of it, still do. So when the doctor asked me, I said nothing happened. Now I know that was the biggest mistake I could do. Can't turn the time back. On that night he beat my mum up. How could she ever consider he could do such a thing. He hit her quite often, especially when he got drunk. We kids use to run to the neighbours for help, afraid he would kill her.

I was not allowed to have a boyfriend or even to talk to a boy. He was following me to school to see what I was up to.

I had an abortion when I was 15. It was his. He just dumped me to the hospital, signed the papers and left. At this age I lived in boarding school too, only went home for the weekend, so from hospital went back there, unable to tell anybody what had just happened.

The sexual abuse continued till I was about 19, but not as often. At the last year at university when I tried to kick him off he just held me down and raped me. This was the last time he touched me. I got pregnant again, another abortion. Got discharged from hospital the next day. I got on a bus (all I could afford) and left the country. Now I'm 33, still got nightmares.

I'm married, with two kids, 9 and 6. This experience is still affecting my life. Just started counselling. Hope it will help to save my marriage. I thought I could lock this whole thing up in the back of my mind, but now my kids are getting to the age my abuse started. Memories are coming back.

My marriage is ok, not the best. My husband keeps on telling me I'm not affectionate, loving enough, and when I get upset with him I just push him away, unable to talk.

Told my mum last year. She seemed shocked, but I don't believe she never suspected. She blames me because I didn't tell anybody. My sister tried, didn't get anywhere. She divorced my stepdad about 5 years ago, as he became more and more abusing, drinking more and more. I only told my husband last year. Until that point we did meet my stepdad when we went home, but my husband knows about it now so we don't have to see him anymore, which is a great relief.

Even after this many years it's really hard. Still have lots of anger toward him, but even more toward my mum who didn't stand by us, didn't protect us.

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