Child Abuse Story From Elii

by Elii
(United Arab Emirates)

Self-Blame: 
When I was 7 years old my father left. My mother packed our bags and left the country. We went to live with her sisters. I never really understood what was going on or why, so I pretty much stayed quiet and never asked questions because that is what we were taught to do. I have one brother 2 years older than me and one 5 years younger. My mother was depressed and my father was abusive. He used to choke her and beat her in front of us. My older brother and I have been whipped, punched, slapped, choked and even hung on a tree in the middle of summer (we live in the Middle East, the Gulf Region to be exact, so the heat was unbearable!). When I was 6 I tried running away but ended up coming back home because there was nowhere else to go. Nobody was really looking for me.

I was close to my mother's youngest sister. When I turned 8, she confided to me that she was going to sleep with a married man living in our apartment building. I didn't understand what that meant. Innocently, I asked how? She told me to take off my clothes and underwear and lie on top of her. I complied, not really knowing what was going on. It still hurts me to talk about the details of what happened. The memory plagues me with self loathing and blame. If I hadn't taken off my clothes, if I had never asked like I was taught too, and if I had left then all those things would never have happened.

Months later, my mother took us to a family friend's house. This family friend had two older brothers. The eldest was about 30 or so. He used to love my curly hair and would always take me out and buy me dolls, at a price. He made me feel him while he constantly touched me and rubbed my body on him. I thought he was hugging me, but felt disgusted but said nothing.

When my parents reunited and we moved back to our birth home, things started to improve, especially my parents' relationship. But my father has and was always cold towards us. I can't remember the last time he hugged or kissed me. I can't remember him ever telling me he loved me.

When I turned 11 my older brother started physically abusing me and that surprised me because we've always been so close. He would bang my head across the wall and once he smashed a bowl on my head and I had to get stitches. He cut off my hair when I was sleeping and my mother had to shave my head off because I was bald in one spot. Then I was taunted and bullied by my cousins. It was unbearable.

I started reading constantly because it took my mind away from things, took me to another place. A safe haven. My parents' arguments started all over again, and my mother was sleeping in the room I shared with my two brothers. Things were hard, but I busied myself with books. I used to always suck my thumb until one day I woke up choking because my brother and cousins tried to stick a plastic GI down my throat to teach me not to suck my thumb. One day I woke up and opened my closet and could not find any of my books! My older half sisters thought I was going insane and told my cousins and brother to burn them. I was devastated. The torture and the bullying and the name-calling were horrible. No matter how hard I tried to stand up to them, I could not. I tried telling my mother, but she couldn't do anything. My father hated me so I never bothered telling him. I was an introvert. I was so shy that on special occasions I would lock myself in the toilet because I thought I was too ugly to be seen. I would cry when we would go out because to me I was so ugly that if I left the house everyone would stare.

I started cutting myself and binging at 13. I was the class clown and the bright student, as my teachers described me, but deep inside I always thought I was a failure. I did poorly in school when the physical abuse and problems at home escalated.

One day I saw a program on Oprah about sexual abuse. I never knew that's what had happened to me a long time ago was sexual abuse. I only just thought it was something bad that I HAD done.

At 14 I was sent to travel with my older half sister and her kids during the summer. A family friend came along. It was the first time I'd gone anywhere without my mother and I cried. In turn, I was taunted and shoved around. This family friend was very sympathetic. He would sit next to me, let me win in card games and would buy me things. Then one day...he woke me up and asked me to come to his room. I complied. He grabbed me by my waist put my back to the wall and licked my ears. My legs started shaking and I couldn't stand up, then he let me go. I crawled into bed and sobbed. He started sneaking into my room when he thought I was asleep. I stopped eating. I was becoming obsessed with losing weight to ignore everything else. He called me to his room, saying he had something important to tell me, and like the idiot I was, I went in. He wouldn't let go. Every day for a month he got his way with me. I was too scared and ashamed to tell anyone because of the way my body reacted to his advances. They would blame me, for sure they would! This man was 34 and divorced. He had a son that was 3 years younger than me. I hated him.

When we came back home I thought he would finally leave me alone and I was happy. My mother was shocked! I had lost so much weight and I was pale and weak. I wouldn't eat. I stayed up all night watching TV. I felt numb. I started smoking and couldn't stop. My brother's aggressive behavior got worse. He would punch me till I couldn't see, kick me in the stomach till I couldn't breathe. He broke my hand, snapped my fingers when I tried scratching him and choked me till I passed out. My mother saw it all, but she didn't do anything. Once, my brother was punching me over the face and I was yelling for my mother. She came into the room, pushed him off me and punched me in the mouth for screaming. They told me that if I told my father what was going on that my father would kick my brother out and then my mother would never speak to me again. He beat me up going to school and coming home. The humiliation was unbearable. No one would stop him! Everyone blamed me! "You should have kept quiet" or "It's your fault, he has a temper, why would you provoke him?" I felt so alone. He would push my mother around. I hated it. Once, he grabbed and pushed her. I stabbed him with a pencil. He beat me so bad I couldn't open my eyes. I couldn't even cry from the pain. He broke my two teeth.

When my brother started drinking it got worse. He'd wake me up in the middle of the night to cook him food. If I ignored him, he'd beat me half to death. I felt abandoned. I didn't know where to turn. The abuse continued till I was 17.

Remember my half sister's family friend? I was staying over at her house. He came into the room and raped me anally. I took an overdose for the 3rd time in my life and almost died. None of my family members knew about the rape, but they called me crazy for trying to kill myself. For trying to end this ongoing hell. Any relationship I got into I could not maintain. I hated myself and I hated everyone and I hated God the most. I was very angry and lashed out on anyone, but in social circles I was quiet, polite and strange, as most described me.

I fell deeper into my depression and lost more weight. At 15 I weighed 40 kgs (88 lbs.). I was being force-fed and had a tube up my nose. I was dying on the inside.

When I was 16 I sneaked out with a guy friend who promised to drop me to one of my friends. He took me to his house and raped me anally so violently I could not move. I could not walk. I sunk deeper into depression. I blamed MYSELF for everything that happened. I started drinking at 16. I was confused about my sexual orientation.

I am now 18 and have a steady boyfriend whom I love. But I cannot show him. I don't know how to love. I lash out at him though he hasn't done anything wrong to me. I still cut myself but have stopped drinking thanks to him. He showed me myself worth and makes me feel beautiful, but still I can't snap out of this depression. I talked to my boyfriend about it but he does not understand. He thinks it's his fault I'm too ashamed to tell him my story. I have no friends and no one that I would completely trust. I cannot explain what I am going through. I don't know who I am and don't feel like I exist.

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