Child Abuse Story From Elena

by Elena
(Skopje, Macedonia)

I can't lie anymore, I can't hide my emotions anymore. I am seek and tired of running away from my story. It kills me. It hurts me. It takes my will to go on.

My child sexual abuse

I was only a child, I was 8 years old (as I can remember). We were playing with my best friend some game around the boarding school and he came up (He was stranger for me). He was pretty nice, he only wanted to show the TV room, than his room... And then he tried to discover my intimate parts.... from my body, of course. He kissed me, he touches whole my body, he whisper in my ear. After the show, he showed us his gun, he explain to us what he can do with the gun. We went out from the room and I told to my brother, he told to my mother, and we went the police. My parents never talked with me, they act like nothing happened, sooner or later I'll forget it, but the truth is: I was dying inside.

After 2 or 3 years, there was my grandfather. He had abuse me few years, I can't remember. I was screaming in silence, but I didn't know what to do. My family treated me very bad, so how can I believe it isn't my fault? I still blame myself for everything. Before three years I told the truth cause I was afraid for my little cousin, who was abused too. I am still blaming myself.

Physical and emotional abuse

At home I was nothing but the invisible one. I admit I'm jealous. My parents never were here to listen my inner emotions, they used to scare me with my brother that he can beat me, he overthrow me from the chair once. Before 2 years he could killed me with his arms on my neck. Lucky me, my father was here (like he didn't beat me from time to time). Children in school never likes me. They made jokes and laughed. It hurts, you know?

My mother died before 1 year and 8 months, but I never felt the connection with her. She was here only for my brother. They talked each others behind close doors, and I was so alone. They used to push me away when I needed them the most.

After her death, me and my dad shall move out from our home. There still lives my brother, but I am the homeless one. Now I live with my grandfather and grandmother, but tomorrow? I am tired of faking people that I'm happy, I am tired of putting smile on my face like everything is fine, but it's not. I am so afraid to wake up tomorrow. I am afraid to hear that my brother is hospitalize cause he takes heroin, I am afraid to lose my father cause he isn't OK too. He used to drink, but his deep vein thrombosis can not heal itself.

My life is nothing but full of fears, sadness, anger.

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