Child Abuse Story From Elaine
by Elaine (UK survivor)
(Lancashire, UK)
I'm now 36, but my childhood still seems "current". My mother had mental health problems (Bipolar Disorder), and I now know I was fostered with relatives until I was 3 because my mother had Postnatal Depression. She always told me I was an "unplanned pregnancy" and that I "got in the way of promotion at work".
Both my parents are Catholics, from huge families. They have their own problems, and were abused by their own parents. My mother spent many years resisting treatment for her mental illness, and used me as her confidante (and eventual "counsellor"). She told me things about her own family that I found hard to reconcile with what I actually saw. She told me that her younger sister got pregnant at 14, and that the baby was brought up by my Gran as my mother's sister (my mother was very confused). She called her sister a "slag" and led me to believe that because I was a girl, I would grow up just the same. All the time that my mother offloaded her problems onto me, nobody asked what I felt.
My parents were very aggressive, and pushy, and competitive. They were not affectionate or emotional. They punished displays of emotion, and I became afraid to cry in front of them. The only attention I could get from them was if I "performed" tasks for them—getting good grades, doing housework. They prized academic performance. I did really well at school, but got bullied by other kids who thought I as a "swot". My parents did not care about the bullying and told me to "grow up". They told me that if I was more like other kids at school I would not get bullied.
My parents always moved the goalposts and I could never meet their expectations. They always made comparisons. Life was always about what other people would think. They could always find someone cleverer, thinner, more athletic, more talented, prettier than me. They never noticed my achievements, only my failures, and spent ages "discussing" these with me.
I continued getting bullied at school, and started bingeing and taking laxatives. My mother has since said she knew about this, but did nothing to help. Instead, my parents argued loudly and publicly. Most evenings at home were arguments. My mum started "walking out" on us as a solution. She'd stay for days with my grandparents, or with friends. She never took me or my brother. She always got the Police involved, which just made my father angrier and the rows dragged on for weeks. My mum used the threat of divorce to make us behave.
I started hanging out at Bars and Clubs, smoking and drinking underage. I became a "Goth". My parents became more aggressive as they hated my clothes, music and everything else. They tried to control what I wore, what I did, who I saw as friends, when I went out. Life was like prison. They listened in on phone-calls and checked my mail. If I got home late, my father called the Police.
It got worst at 14. My father burned all my clothes, and started hitting me. My parents believe in corporal punishment and that it doesn't harm children. I'd been smacked as a child. This was not smacking. Smacking was only on my legs or bottom. My dad now hit me on the face and arms, and he did not use his palm. Even when I tried to run to my bedroom, he followed. He would keep hitting me until I sunk down between the bed and the wall. Sometimes he grabbed my wrists to stop me doing this. Sometimes he kicked me. My mother would always back him up and believe I DESERVED IT.
My father kept hitting me for things right until I left home. They could be stupid reasons, like being unwell. I would hide in the bedroom cupboard if I was ill so that my parents would still think I'd gone to school or work. They did not believe in needing time off and said I'd get a reputation as "lazy".
My parents told me I deserved "what I got". They told me that because of how I dressed, people would think "I was a slag". They accused me of all sorts of things I didn't do—taking drugs, sleeping around. I continued getting bullied at school.
I tried running away, staying with friends, but I always got found out and punished. The arguments were terrible. My mum would scream and get hysterical, which made my father more angry and aggressive.
I was raped at 16 by a man I met at a Club. I went back to his house because I was drunk, and did not dare go home. I never told my parents. They accused me anyhow of being a "slut" and assumed I slept with every man I spoke to.
I fell head over heels for someone I met at University. We were together five years. He walked out when I found out I was pregnant. I could not face telling my parents, who already said I was "living in sin". I had a termination. My parents found out when I moved back home by going through my private mail. I cannot describe the arguments we've had since. Suffice it to say my father left me bruised and kicked me out of the house. He called me a "f*****g whore" and both my parents said I was a "murderer" and unfit to be a mother.
I now live with my partner of 14 years. I have no children and firmly believe I am a "bad woman" and not fit to have a family. I still have negative feelings about my body, and no self confidence. I have qualified as a Social Worker, to help other people, but still feel worthless myself. I have not spoken to my father for years, and am also estranged from my younger brother. I see my mother regularly, but am only still really her "counsellor", and don't feel like a daughter.
Child Abuse Story From Elaine was originally posted to Child Abuse Stories page October 7, 2007Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited, and could result in being banned from making further comments on this site.
