Child Abuse Story From Douglas H
by Douglas
I'm 21 now, and the physical/sexual/emotional abuse happened between ages ? - and about 13. After that, it was only what I'd call minor physical abuse, not senseless beatings (minus a couple of incidences) and emotional galore. I was constantly beat by my dad. I was an overweight kid and he would tease me while beating me. He used to blame it on something small, then let at me. I remember very little. I was never allowed to talk about it, and who could I talk to? my sister, and brother were helpful and there for most of the incidences. they would wait until it was over and then comfort me. I never knew it was wrong, what was happening seemed normal, no, it was normal. It was all I knew, and everyone else knew, my mother, brother, sister, and did nothing. My therapist said I had PTSD which led to sever repressed memory...it took me so long to accept this. I didn't want a name for what I had, and it was my mom who told me that was what the therapist called it one day. She used to say it never happen, and then she changed and said if it happened and she would have known she would have gotten us out. I feel like an idiot because I don't know all the memories, I don't even have as many as they (my family) do. One time they told me in group therapy how I had to sleep in the garage after my dad got mad and locked me in there. I didn't know this had happened. I had to go to school one time with popped blood vessels all over my neck and face. They were in the shape of a perfect handprint...and this had been my mom who did this. I had to lie to teachers and nurses, and their bright idea was to send me home to my mom where she berated me saying 'you just had to tell someone didn't you' and I begged her to believe me I hadn't told anyone, I had lied in fact, saying I slept on it wrong. Nothing ever happened. I told the priest one time, nothing happened. when I was 17-19 memories started surfacing that I didn't know before. They would just come at me and I would see snaps of images. I remember one was of blood coming out my eye, like a tear, as I hid in my mom's locked bathroom while my dad pounded outside. I remember being kicked in the stomach and falling down the steps for not knowing which grocery store my mom had gone too. All my friends were down stairs waiting for my mom to get back so we could celebrate my birthday. I was ten or eleven... I don't really ever feel certain about the dates of anything. It's all a jumble and has been. I knew I was sexually abused when I was 19, and one day in my therapy it just came to me. 'Camp Snoopy' was what my dad called it, and it was when we would get under the covers with him while my mom was at church. My sister had been seeing a therapist (we all got hit, but I'm the only one that was abused to such degree; the emotional abuse was sent everybody's way) because she was having 'dreams' about my dad standing over her breathing heavily in only his boxers. My whole life I was haunted by certain memories... here's the three main ones: Me, getting caught giving oral to my cousin on the steps when I was 8-11 (young enough for a babysitter) because my teeth had caught and he started to cry. My mom found out what we were doing. Me, with my brother in the bathroom while on vacation each of us feeling each others genitals. My dad and mom caught us, they asked where we knew how to do this, I didn't know where, so I said TV. Then when I was really young, younger then both of these, I remember getting naked to jump into my grandmas pool, (no bathing suits around) and my mom saying 'why do you have that' indicating my erection. I didn't know, she called me 'a little weirdo' and that was that. These stand out. How could I have known what to do that young? I have no memory of sexual abuse, but I know that the worst physical abuse memories were the ones buried the deepest, and I fear the same for any sexual abuse. I have enough horror stories now, but I want to know them all. My parents in my adult years (i moved out 2 months before 18, supporting myself) have called me a liar, drug addict, basically blaming my situation on myself. I made the mistake of letting my mom know I smoke weed (by, go figure, honestly telling her) and somehow that went into me having a coke addiction (never tried, never will) a story they passed around to everyone, mostly by my father. I have stolen and cheated them constantly over the years, nearly every chance I get. I know this doesn't seem like I'm moving forward, and it doesn't help me I know, but I feel no remorse when I cheat them. I even do it in ways they'll clearly know because I want them to know. This seems to just reinforce their attitude that I'm a screwup, and my misery is my fault. I don't know if they're right or wrong about that but I know they're wrong about the abuse, and how they handled it. I have trouble in every relationship with every girl I'm with. I have a very unhealthy obsession with anal sex, both giving and receiving, even though I've never had any other sexual inclination towards men and clearly am heterosexual. I don't have memories for my sexual abuse...only the symptoms. And with those it's like a checklist, I can see each one manifested in my behavior, emotions, essentially in any way I relate to myself or those around me. How can I be sure I was? How can I bring it up after all this time I've let it go? everytime I do, they accuse me of doing it because it will take the blame off me. they may be right.  Note from Darlene: If I have not left a comment on your story, please understand that it is not personal; it's just that my hectic schedule no longer permits me to do so.I hope you'll follow me on:  Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.
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