Child Abuse Story From Diane
by Diane
(Alabama, USA)
Part 1:
Yesterday I had my appt with the disability therapist to evaluate me. She told me something that I had never heard before. First she was asking me questions about my mental status, which Ive had depression for most my life. I'm 53 and I've had many illness's over the years. One main thing is fibromyalgia. I am on alot of medications. Stress has always triggered my fibro to flare up. Ive had a couple of mental break downs and was hospitilized and put in the psych hospital. Ive also taken overdoses twice and was hospitalized twice and put in the psych hospital for that too. All together Ive been in the mental hospital 4 times in 20 years. One Question she asked was if I had ever been sexually abused. When I told her yes, She said she new I had before she even asked me. She said most of her clients that have an illness like mine was sexually abused, and that I had Complex PTSD. I was shocked. All these years I have been going to my psychrist he never told me this.All hes done for me is give me medication. So this unresolved dirty little secret that no one talked about resurficed. I want to share what happened to me.
I was 5 yo, we (my mom sister and baby brother)were staying at my grandparents small trailer after my mom left our dad. My grandfather raped me. The last thing I remember was looking out the window and wishing I was not there and then everything went blank. When I was 48 I started having vivid flashbacks. My first one came to me when my grandaughter was almost 3yo. I had give her a bath and had laid her on the edge of the bed to dry her off and to put her clothes on her. It was like a scene out of a movie. I saw myself sitting on his lap and he was in his boxer shorts. I could feel his erection under me. The flasback happened so fast but it was so vivid. I thought where did that come from. Then I remembered thinking while I was giving her a bath how could anyone abuse little child and I became emotional and asked God to keep her safe from preditors.
Part 2:
As the week went on I kept trying to figure out what was happening. Then the flashbacks came more frequently until all of the pieces were put together. I told my psychiatrist about the flashbacks. He said that my granddaughter being close to the age I was, and with what I was thinking and the position I had her lying in while I was putting her diaper on and her clothes, just triggered the flashbacks. I asked him why did it take so long for this to happen. He said it was called selective memorey loss. I went home and told my husband and he didnt know what to think. I dwelled on this for months. The more I thought about it the more real it was to me. I could decribe details of there bedroom, the lay out, things on the ceiling, the mirror on the door. the curtains the way they were blowing. Its weird because I cant describe the way the rest of the trailer looked in detail. I know he raped me, and I believe I passed out.After that I was hospitilized. I remember showing my mom blood in my panties. I remember being in the hospital for a long time. After all this started comeing together I decided to try to get my medical records. I knew it was just a shot in the dark.I made several calls to the courthouse to find out who would have the records. The hospital had been closed but all the records had beed boxed up and were in a basement of the newer hosp. I talked to a sweet lady that worked in the medical records dept. I told her what I was looking for and why, she told me she would go and look for them on her lunch break. Weeks went by and I hadnt heard anything from her so I thought I was at a dead end. One day my phone rang and it was her. She had found a discharge card with my name on it. I was so excited. I asked her what were the dates on it and she told me I had been in the hospital for 19 days. She mailed me the card and I still have it. I thought there is something going on here. While I was in the hosp. my mom showed up with two men I had never seen before. They stood at the foot of my bed and my mom told me that I was going to have a new daddy. she introduced me to him and I remember feeling so confused. I didnt want him to be my daddy, I wanted the daddy I already had. When she left I remember crying and the nurse came in and hugged me and brought me chocolate milk. To this day I love chocolate milk. My sister sayes she also remembers being in the hosp. for a long time too. Neither one of us remembers our mom staying with us. My sister remembers mom comeing to see her and and treating her like she was mad at her. Soon after all that our mom and dad got married. We didnt get to go to the wedding, we were left out and I remember feeling very hurt. So thirty something years later,Im trying to put this puzzle together. I confronted my mother about the hospital stay, she didnt remember. I said Mom how can you forget that I was seperated from you, sick in the hospital. She said Im sorry, Diane I really dont remember. I told her about the flashbacks and she acted shocked, that this happened to me. She just said that she was sorry that I went thru this. I didnt press the issue with her because I knew, like me she had blocked this out of her mind. I know that when all this was going on she had a mental breakdown right after they got married and my grandparents divorced. So this is my theory. My grandfather molested me. My sister and I was put into child protective care unt. She had to get us a place to stay before they would release us. Thats why she married so quickly. This has been kept quiet and blocked out of everybodys mind. I have suffered mentally for years. My mom would beat me for everything. She took her anger out on me up to the day I got married. So know I understand why the therapist said I have complex PTSD.
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