Child Abuse Story From Diana

by Diana
(Location Undisclosed)

I never thought that I was abused, I thought that what happened to me wasn't bad enough to qualify. I still wonder. It was probably emotional abuse and abandonment, maybe a dash of neglect thrown in. I have had a hard time getting my life together, mostly in terms of feeling unworthy and flawed in a fundamental way, so socially life is hard-I am alone a lot. I also cannot sleep without prescription medicine, have never been able to sleep since age 18.

My father left my mother and I, when I was little. My mother started drinking. I remember being 6 and making fruit cocktail for dinner and threatening to kill myself, taking a knife out of the drawer, if I couldn't get my way. Or, trying to call my grandmother for help and being scared of the long distance operator. I loved my mother, she was sweet and kind, but drunk a lot of the time-not mean though, just in pain and self absorbed. Before my mother killed herself she was hospitalized and dropped out of my life for a year, then she was gone. I was sent to live with cousins.

I then lived with an emotionally abusive step mother for 5 years, whom my Dad had married. Daily abuse, putting me down, humiliating me, that kind of thing, you will just have to trust me that it was pretty horrible, probably people reading this can relate what it is like to constantly be made to feel you are lesser than. My Dad began drinking heavily and rejected me when I told him I wasn't happy. Then he left (again), but did not take me with him. By this time I was disconnected from my mother's side of the family, I don't know why exactly.

I read this and want to write more to convince people that my life was difficult, I feel people will say it wasn't that bad-people have. People have said "well at least you were not sexually abused". I don't want to sound whiney but I also don't feel I can convey my story well enough, I don't know...try to imagine being little, the people you love disappear, and the people you grow up with tell you how horrible you are! Oh! it's Cinderella, no prince though, rats.

I have done things I don't understand, mostly sleeping around and instances of embarressing myself socially, mostly things that I have said, while drinking-I have horrific social anxiety that I cannot control (I experience outward signs of anxiety that are embarressing). I am fearful of rejection and get tounge tied talking to people that I would like to get to know. I feel convinced that people I want to know find me a complete bore.

Outwardly I am sort of succesful. I have a very succesful and happy child-yay, a good paying job, supportive friends. People like me and think I am funny and have a good attitude. There are times when I just feel so much shame because of the things that I have done, that is the hardest. And, I go to social functions and feel I just don't fit. I am sure i come across as aloof or scared, thats embarressing. I feel that I could have been more professionally succesful if I wasn't so socially akward and embarressed by my akwardness and anxiety.

I have had years and years of therapy. I was taken advantage of by a "psychoanalytic therapist", Svengali Type. I finally found a therapist who understood what was going on and has helped tremendously. It is really hard to find the right person, I think. There are many out there who are just incompetent. I have seen a total of seven in my life. Two were outstanding, one took advantage, the other four just didn't get it.

The most important thing I can say is that I never give up (even though I am age 57). I have found this website, proof, I think, that I am always trying. I also do work that helps other people who are way worse off than I am. I am a little burned out, but working on renewing myself. I also have a "Bucket List", and am feeling hopeful about the future. I have my ups and downs, when I am up, life is great. Right now I am down...being alone is getting to me.

I wish I had something a little more helpful to say, maybe a couple of things. One thing that has held me back for years has been wanting to hide my feelings and to pretend I am just like everyone else. That was a big mistake. Also because I couldn't get my needs met in healthy ways, I resorted to unhealthy ways-hence the sleeping around, drinking and abusing prescription meds to hide the anxiety. God i sound awful...if you saw me walking down the street you would see a sweet, attractive for her age, respectable and polite woman!! Also if you feel that your therapist is not helping you, get out! You should start to feel better at the first visit. Yes the therapy gets very painful, but you should always feel that you have hope and are getting better. I am in the field of psychology, not as a therapist, but I have not only personal but professional experience with therapeutic technique and research. If you feel you are being taken advantage of by a therapist, discuss it with trusted friends and family.

OK! I am done! Thanks to anyone who reads this!!

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