Child Abuse Story From Diana

by Diana
(Australia)

I am 37. I have gone to counsellors on and off for various reasons but the abuse always seems to come into it. When I was 12 I had a choice (self imposed) to live or to die. I chose to live. I stayed with my family as best as I could. I lived the way my father wanted me to - a wannabe golden girl who was never quite good enough.

The abuse was always there - my father was an angry man who abused us and our mum. He was never drunk (he liked to point out); he never did it just for fun; he was simply an angry man. If we did something wrong, he would discipline us.

I hated him but the hate I HAD for my mother was worse. Now I am a mum of 3, I am so angry with her for putting her own insecurities before our safety. I lost so much respect for her. There is something special in this world about being a mum and the connection from a mum to her children should never be broken.

My Dad hit us hard and threatened to kill us and my mother. I spent many years trying to work out how to get "over" this and have thought that forgiving him is the way to do it.

Years ago I forgave him by telling him I love him. It seemed to be good enough for me and I truly believed I was fine. I am but just recently he and I had a confronting conversation about the abuse. I was not argumentative but considerate of him and he was trying to explain where he was coming from. Normally I would get angry and we would argue and I would hang up but this time I just listened and then spoke clearly and definitively.

I think he listened.

He rang my brother a few days afterwards to talk about the abuse - my brother wouldn't talk about it, BUT my father acknowledging it (in his own way) is a huge step.

It seems that I cannot remember specific incidences and there is large parts of my childhood that I cant remember. I feel embarrassed that I cant remember this time. The good and the ugly. Why can't I remember my childhood? It worries me that there are only specific stories I can remember and the years in between have simply vanished!

I am an angry person - I do not smack my children because I am scared that I would go too far because I am so angry.

I love my parents and I have truly forgiven them, but the issue I have in my life now is my memory issues and I wonder if I should just let all of it go or try and pursue it.

---

Note from Darlene: I welcome you to follow me on my Facebook page at Healing from Child Abuse. When you get there, don't forget to click onto the Become a Fan link. I hope to hear from you there!

Email addresses, phone numbers, home addresses AND website/blog URLs in submissions and visitor comments are STRICTLY prohibited. Please don't include them, as they will be removed.