Child Abuse Story From Denise
by Denise
(Maryland, USA)
40 years later and still being abused...
I was the youngest of 3 children. I would like to think that my experiences as a youngest child will help one to see the world through a "youngest childs" eyes. My abuse from the middle sibling began as early as I can remember...From being punched very hard in the stomach, so hard that I couldn't breathe to being hit in the head by her intentionally. She once intentionally kicked me in the back so hard to make me fall off of the top bunk of the bunkbed we had. I hit that tile floor with a big thud right on my head. I was the one who got the beating/belt for that while she sat there and laughed. I never have figured out why she felt she had to be so mean to me. I remember very vividly when my brother and sister stole money from my mothers purse and they blamed me for it. I think I was about 6 or 7 at the time this happened... I was given "the belt" and it hurt so bad. I cried all the while saying that "I didnt do it!" and then mom beat me even harder with the belt for "lying"...all the while the middle child had a smirk/half smile on her face, as she peered around the corner from the hall watching me get a beating with the belt. I will never forgive my sister for doing that to me. This went on all the time. The oldest and middle sibling would do something bad and blame me for it. I believe that this was the start of all of my behavior problems growing up that still effect me to this day. I had major behavioral problems in school,fights,acting up,smarting off to teachers,being suspended,etc,. I really hated school. I also started to vandalize other peoples property as well. Now as I look back, that seemed to be an outlet for my anger but I did not realise it back then. When I was in 1st grade, my parents were told that if they did NOT put me on Ritalin, then I would not be able to attend school. Back then the school could do that. I didn't even realise it, but even at that young age, I was already lashing out.
The oldest child was always getting into trouble, while the middle child stood out as a straight A student, and was one of the "popular and beautiful people". I think I resented her then. She was always hitting me, saying terrible things to me, and just generally being abusive in her own way. Of the few friends that I had, they always noticed how mean she was, like she had to go out of her way just to be mean. The oldest beat up on me quite regularly, but especially at mother's urging him on when she felt I was acting up or being too hard to handle. So, I continued to lash out at the world. I was forced to repeat 2 grades as a child, and that made me the target of some pretty cruel kids taunts and such. When the kids all said to me "You failed school?" "What is your mom and dad gonna say?" I replied "Nothing." I was correct. They didnt seem to care either way. Good for me. Like I really wanted yet one more beating. NOT! I was forced for my entire schooling to be in "resource/special education." They tested my IQ when I was about 11 or 12 and I scored a whopping 72! I read somewhere that a 72 was borderline mentally retarded. Yay for me!! I couldn't even do math in my head, as the numbers always got scrambled in my head, and they still do. The teachers all said I was learning disabled because of my behavior. Hmmn, bad behavior that was caused by trying to get even with an abusive if not psychotic family.
What has always bothered me to this day was when a "friend" of the oldest said that my dad was beating on me because he loved me! Yah, right!! I still have the mark/scar over my left eye where he beat the hell outta me for smarting off to a teacher. Like that was gonna do any good. I guess I was given a lot of "freedom" or call it neglect. I don't know which term to use on that one. I routinely went to school in filthy clothes, poor hygiene,and I really could not tell the difference between a clean appearance and a dirty disheveled one. One day a teacher actually did take me out in the hall and told me that I needed a shower...I did take a shower that morning, but I didn't have any shampoo, so my hair was filthy. Hey, all I knew was what I was taught by a mother that never wanted to be one. I remember mom telling me that if I wanted clean clothes then I had to wash them...On several ocassions,in 6th-7th grade, I wore wet clothes to school, cause I fell asleep the prior night, and had forgotten to put my clothes in the dryer. This happened a lot in junior high. I do remember the home economics teacher taking my windbreaker and washing it in the schools washing machine. I was always wearing jackets or some other heavy clothing to "hide" in, as I was "safe" in my little cocoon. We were living in the south, and there was really no need for heavy jackets in the summer, but I wore mine anyway. Even when I had to mow the lawn! That teacher had to force me to give up my windbreaker for a few hours. I felt very insecure when she took it from me. I NEEDED that jacket to hide in and be safe. Living in the south, we had a flea problem, and I will never forget the bus ride to school one day when a flea jumped off my head and onto the left side of my face. I just wanted to hide...within a few hours it was all over the school that I "had fleas". Mom didn't believe in having the house sprayed at all, which could have prevented that situation!
As far as parental involvement in my life/school, I routinely received failing grades in the classes where my parents were supposedly "required" to be in attendance for, such as plays, concerts,choir, and the dreaded PTA stuff. I was actually relieved that they didn't attend the PTA nights. I rarely did any homework, and dreaded every weekday that was a schoolday. On the days mom was supposed to carpool me and some other kids, she refused, so I had to walk to school, along with the other kids who mom was supposed to carpool as well. That really showed me that they cared...NOT!
Whenever I would tell my parents of an upcoming school activity, mother would routinely say "We're NOT going." That was it,END of discussion!
The oldest sibling died a few years ago. The middle sibling still treats me like garbage to this day. Not physically, but verbally. I have tried numerous times to be her friend, but to no avail. My stomach gets very ill whenever I have to be around her. Good thing its only once every 5 years or so. I am very glad that we do not live in the same town. Was this a totally dysfunctional family? Absolutely! Whenever I was fortunate enough to go stay with a friend for a week who lived like 60 miles away, I NEVER wanted to go home. I so wanted to be a part of her family. I really hated mine! In junior high, I routinely went without lunch, mom refused to make me a lunch, or give me lunch money, and I was always sooo hungry by lunchtime. I will never forget the pain of hunger. Because of that hunger, I always try to donate some food to the local food bank here every month.
As an adult, I have tried so many times to make peace with the middle sibling, and she still is very mean to me, at least verbally, as well as emotionally. I had a big blowup with the middle sibling a few years ago when I caught her in a lie. So, at this point, it seems like I will have a much better life if I avoid her at all costs! Seems like all she cares about is herself, and for some unknown reason, I get the impression that the middle child still thinks that life is still a popularity contest.
As I look back on all these events that shaped or more likely "warped" me for all time, I really do believe that what happens to a child will definitely affect them for the rest of their life.
I honestly don't believe that I was trying to cause problems, but rather that I was trying to make a stand for myself in response to the abuse from the siblings and the neglect.
So, in the end, life still goes on, and we all learn from those past life experiences, and we move on. Thanks for letting me tell my story.
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