Child Abuse Story From Deebee
by Deebee
(United Kingdom)
Abuse from older sister:
I am really effected at the moment by events that happened when I was a child at the hands of my sister. I stood up to her for the first time the Christmas before last, and that was the first time I had done that - I didn't shout or anything, but stood up for my dad who she was attacking. This angered her so much.
I was brought up in fear, and spent lots of time locked in the bathroom when I could escape my sister's violence. My mum was battered daily by her. There must have been some mental health issues from my sister, and the whole while I loved her.
Since the Christmas event, I have felt angry towards her whilst I still loved her. I felt if I had too I would kill her if necessary. This was not a happy thought for me, and in reality who knows if I would.
We were in constant threat of death from her as she tried to get knives frequently and constantly intended to kill us. She wouldn't see sense (probably couldn't) and was unable to control her behaviour. It was extreme from birth, as she would never settle and was always angry. I don't feel that as a child she could be blamed for her behaviour, though as an adult she should have been able to refrain, though I suppose there was a breakthrough of old behaviours. I wish she could have found peace and a solution to her problems, and I feel sad that she had no help.
Daily I performed rituals to cope with how I was feeling and as a child. I consciously built a wall up in my mind, blocking away the emotions. I would sleepwalk and had night terrors.
She committed suicide at the end of January this year, and all the emotions rose. My soul felt torn and my heart pulled out. I started reliving my experiences; especially the extreme ones, like when she told my dad she was going to cut him up with a knife and fork (she was 7, I was 3). Her face in extreme anger is clear in my mind, and my mother's tortured screams. This is the first time I am accepting that things were bad. I was taught to be silent about what had happened, and my parents sought help but got none until she was 13.
She was placed in a care home, and after that she started making me watch her in her underwear. I don't remember it all but I can clearly remember being rubbed against. And last night I remembered more details about the underwear. It was a corset-type thing (what she was doing with that I don't know at her age) with the buttons at the bottom. I was deeply ashamed and didn't want to do it. She would strip my clothes (trousers and knickers) off in public places where there were lots of people. This may have been earlier than when I was 9, maybe when I was 7. I know I started having a great awareness of sexual activity at an early age. I would look at peoples' bedroom windows as we went past in the car with my dad's binoculars. I know I wasn't a pervert; it's just that I was sexually aware and I got into big trouble for that, as I told them that I was looking at people having sex. I was about 6 or 7 years old then - I didn't know there was anything wrong with doing that, and felt rejected and confused when I got told off.
I have started counselling and this is helping, though I feel worse afterwards. I keep on having suicidal ideations and so much anxiety at times, lack of sleep and anger which I don't like because I used to be such a calm person. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed and unable to cope. At other times I feel like I am able to get on. At the moment I feel like a yo-yo with my emotions. I starved myself for two months, now I am putting on weight because I am eating more than I should.
I feel so confused at times, and want one day to have a relationship but feel now isn't the time. I don't want to bring all that has happened into the relationship.
I have so many experiences, all negative, that I need to let out. But really, the talking is only the tip of the iceberg. It's the emotions that follow that are so muddled. I could compartmentalise the thoughts, but the emotions are difficult. Does anyone know what to do about this? I feel so much shame over what has happened.
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