Child Abuse Story From Deb

by Deb
(Laurel, Maryland, USA)

A volcano. That's it. I finally exploded. I'm 41 years old. My Parents divorced when I was 5. My Mom's best friends son (we lived with them through the divorce) died that same year at the age of 4 from leukemia. My Mothers rage was constant.

My father was inappropriate with me and my last therapist said I am an incest survivor emotionally and more than likely physically. Muscle memory began releasing as I trained to be an actor. It was like earthquakes in my body. My mentor would say, "it's just energy let it go". And I thought I had.

I have recovered memories of my Mother chasing me down our narrow hallway. She was four times my size. It was my goal to make it to my room, which was at the end of the hall. If I could get inside and close the door I could put on my headphones and listen to music. This also meant that they would lock me in from the outside. Some of that lock remains in the doorjam today. I tell myself it wasn't really abuse because it wasn't a deadbolt. It was a latch with an eye and eventually I just pulled it out violently by yanking on the door.

For the times I didn't make it to my door, I could try to turn around and make her laugh about something. Shift her mood and turn it into more of a tickling thing. But, most times she grabbed the lower parts of my legs, tackled me to the ground and would either pull my hair, pinch my arms, dig her nails into my skin, or slap my face.

She was my red-faced stampeding drooling monster who could appear in an instant.

She slapped my face quite often. She wore rings on every finger. When I was 16 she tried to get my Stepfather to help her flip me over on her bed so she could "beat my ass". I blacked out. I don't remember what happened except when I realized what was going on I was on top of her pinning her down with her whimpering like a scorned puppy, "get off of me".

She is ALWAYS the victim.

One of the things she used to say was, "this is going to hurt me more than it hurts you". What a lie that is.

The most damage was done with her verbal abuse though. And my Stepfathers. Every night every night every night. I "couldn't do anything right". It always ended with me apologizing. Always. It was always about trying to make them feel like they were "right" and I deserved "punishing".

I have read so many books. Become successful in my own light. But the problem is they are still verbally abusing. When I go to visit, and I am expected to visit EVERY holiday, they will berate my 94 year old StepGrandmother in the same way they used to do me. They will scream at her. She lives three streets away, does their laundry, and cleans their house.

Two weeks ago I went over to help them. We were supposed to meet at 4pm. My sister left at 3:50 and we had to wait until 5pm to do a 10 minute job. I expressed my concern as it is the only day I have off with my Spouse and I was ambushed with accusations that I don't visit enough.

My sister is 29 and still LIVES there and has not built a life for herself and it seems they resent the fact that I have many successes. They ignore them as often as possible.

I confronted my sister (which is a no no because she can be just as stupid as she likes apparently...she was given everything I was not as a child, she's 13 years younger than me). I told her I thought her actions were rude. She said she "doesn't like waiting around for people". I asked her how it was waiting around when we had set a time. She said that she thought I was rude.

Now, instead of playing my role and just grinning and bearing it, something in my spirit snapped. It just shifted right there on the spot. The volcano came to VIVID LIFE! I went out and confronted my Mother about how my sister thought it was rude that I didn't come by more often. Then my Mother proceeded to raise her voice.

She was next to a grill with a huge cooking utensil in her hand and I stepped in to about 1" away from her face screaming, "I can yell louder than you now!". I swear I wanted to hit her the way she used to hit me. And that is not who I am. But it's like this warrior came up in me and wanted blood.



We left.

I've written her two letters. The first finally stating what I think was criminal abuse on her part. I also confronted her about her reaction when I told her that my father had molested me. She said, "we tried to warn you about him but you wouldn't listen to anybody". I replied very calmly at the time, "I was the child and you were the adult".

I feel hatred. I mean REAL hatred. A volcanic eruption with lava too hot to touch and a pathway of black ashes. Leveling.

In the second letter I told her that her rage was not my responsibility. That rageaholism is a real disease like alcoholism. Except instead of taking a shot of vodka, she takes a shot of endorphin every time her face turns red. My Monster.

I told her that I love her for getting me to this planet. And I told her that I now have more rage toward her than I could possibly muster up the energy to control. I told her I didn't want to hit or hurt her.

I certainly understand elder abuse now.

The only thing I can do is keep a safe distance. Love them from afar. Visiting that house is like a veteran going back to Nam for all of the pertinent holidays. I've been out of there for 22 years, and I have now promised myself that I NEVER have to go back.

I told her that statistics state she will probably blame me for being hurtful and stick to her co-dependent world. But, it was my hope that she would grow with me and get help.

In all of these years I've always been the one viewed as "needing to talk to someone". I have talked and talked and read and studied and written plays and had one published, and performed and written music and exorcised the demons. She has not done one thing to heal.

I know that I can't heal for her. I can't absorb her pain and until she acknowledges and apologizes I cannot forgive her hostile attacks on me through my entire childhood. Not to mention her passive aggressive diminishments and back-stabbings into my adulthood.

She's my Mother and I hate her. I really hate her. I'm waiting for it to pass. When I feel bad about it I just get depressed and can't get out of bed. When I just let myself hate her it feels better than depression. But, this is never what I wanted for myself.

It's like it was all under control and then the volcano erupted and every action was still there, the pain was still there, bubbling into a frenzy, the only thing new was the release. And I want to keep it productive. I won't allow myself to turn into a violent rageful person. Now that I know she is my main target I feel much more gentle about the rest of my life. I hate to scapegoat, but I don't think I am. I think she caused me GREAT pain. Spiritual violation.

I do believe in process and this is process.

I do know she can't hurt me and yet I am terrified of her and wanting to go on the offensive for survival purposes. I'm witnessing all of this with detachment as much as I can and hoping it will lead me to higher ground.

I want to finally be free without guilt but I know what they are thinking and saying. I know it's stupid and it shouldn't matter. It's just after total abandonment from my Father I was trying to hold onto my Mother. She is violent. She is still violent and my spirit has said, "THAT'S IT!"

I feel off kilter. Like I'm recalibrating true North on my personality compass. It's very disorienting.

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Comments for Child Abuse Story From Deb

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Jun 25, 2008
More Memories
by: deb

Talking with my Spouse this morning, more pieces fell into place around this. I've been spending so much of my life pretending it was okay. A few bad episodes. That more things are now stringing together.

I remember being three or four years old. In a bowling alley. I remember my Mother carrying a wooden spoon in her purse. If she asked me to join her in the ladies room, that meant she was going to wail on me and then we would return to the table after my conversion.

I remember she screamed for me to meet her in the ladies room. I did not know which door was the ladies room. I accidentally walked into the mens room with the urinals and all of the men staring at me in mid pee. They said to go to the next door.

I waited there for her. For a long time. I started to leave to see where she was. Just as I was leaving she burst through the door and hit it with such force it ripped the big toe nail off of my foot. I was screaming.

The last time I sat to dinner with them in that house, she made mention of the bowling alley bathroom door with a smile of fond remembrance.

Who would do that?

Jun 25, 2008
I feel for you
by: Anonymous

I know you have been through a lot. I feel for you. I am 15 and my mother has physically and emotionally abused me. This website finally conviced me to tell.
my story:

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/child-abuse-story-from-name-undisclosed3.html

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/is-it-child-abuse-if-im-not-bruised-or-injure
d.html

I am still in my mother's house but I am getting out soon. I remember many similar memories as you described. I am chased down my hallway trying to make it to my room. I have been locked in my room, my mom's bathroom, out of the house, and more. My mom never thinks I do anything right so I am always grounded. I am grounded for this weekend because my mother stole my bike and blamed it on me. The emothional abuse is hard too. Hearing that your worthless or fat or ugly or getting cursed at like f you. It's not fun but after a while I tried to tune it out. Its hard to not believe it though when thats what I grew up with hearing. I know the feeling of this big scary monster. I look at my mom in that way. She scares me to death. I can't wait til I am out. I have nightmares and can't sleep at night. I wish I could just forget all my memories like they never happened. I know how hard it is. I am hoping to get some counseling and get through this. I know you can too! I know its really hard having a mother like that. Hang in there! Your super strong to have been through all that!I will pray for you.

Jun 25, 2008
Sweet-Hearted One
by: deb

Thank you so much for your compassion. It is just beautiful Especially when you are in the midst of your very own hell. I just want to say that your spirit is so STRONG. And that is probably what she is trying to break.

According to our ages, you could be my daughter. And if you were I'll tell you something, I would NEVER do ANYTHING to hurt your heart, your spirit, or your body. NEVER EVER. I would ONLY want to see you thrive.

Whatever your Dad is doing I don't know. He may be in denial. For me, everyone in my family denied it because it was just too painful for THEM. I was supposed to feel honored to be the STRONG one. To have the personality to carry all of their pain.

Listen, God doesn't work like that.

Anyone who loves you wants you joyful. And any Parent who mistreats you loses the title of "Parent".

I too was suicidal at the age of 12. I walked into her bedroom toward her bathroom to do the deed. And for some reason I just sat on the floor. Could have been minutes. Could have been hours. I don't know. It's not like I heard a voice, it's more like I felt new thoughts. Teaching thoughts. I learned to TRY to view my Parent's as my "earth" parents. You know, their primary job was to get me onto the planet. Thanks for delivering and there's that, please sign for the UPS guy, and now on to the next.

But I learned that there is spirit. Spirit Parenting is how I think of it. If you can keep your heart from getting smashed by them, if you can stay open, guidance will come to you in a million ways. This website being just one.

I have found that to be very true for myself. I don't know you, but I love you. I love you the way I love the little girl inside of me who was terribly mistreated. Whatever you have to do to get out of there, DO IT! I don't care if you have to live in an oxygen tent by yourself on the surface of the moon until you get your GED online. I tried staying it out and it haunts me. It really haunts me.

The body remembers, the spirit remembers. GREAT things await you. And, they have NOTHING to do with your earth Parents. They have to do with your amazing spirit so giving as to offer prayer to me in your time of torment.

Love to you little sister. Love love love. When she speaks out of pain and rage it's hers. It's just not yours. When you take it on, you hold yourself back from your own purpose. And no one who loves you wants you to take it on, especially God. I promise you. you are too valuable to be mistreated...WaaaaaaYYY.

Each time she does something mean to you I hope that you will whisper 5 kind thoughts to yourself.

I LIGHT A CANDLE FOR YOU! I MOVE FORWARD FOR YOU! WITH A PROMISE THAT YOU WILL SURVIVE THIS AND YOU WILL THRIVE IN LIFE! I PROMISE.

XOXOdb.

Jun 25, 2008
Thanks
by: Anonymous

You are so nice. I wish you were my mother! I have never heard someone so kind and loving. Its cool cause you don't even really know me. My best friend is the only other one like that. I don't get how she really cares and loves me. I don't understand it. I go to her house and see her family and they are so happy and amazing. I wish I could move in with them. My father is trying to get me out but he is taking his time because he thinks the reason is "cause my mom and I fight alot" but not physically. I tried to explain it to him but he doesn't really get it. But don't worry he has an app. with a lawyer on July 1st to find out how to get full custody of me. You are amazing!! Thank you for commenting back. I always dream and hope I would find out that my mom is not really my mother and she adopted me or something. I like your view on it. That she is just someone that brought me into the world. I secretly adopted my friend's mother as mine. I really don't like living in this house. I cant even call it a home. My friend taught me how to laugh off what she calls me so I feel better about myself. I used to believe it. Like tonight she called me a god dam f-ing b@&ch. I just kept repeating. Don't listen, she is an insane crazy lady. I got grounded again tomorrow and I didn't even do anything. I don't get it. Life is not fair. I hate life. My friend said I will find the good in life once I am out and I hope thats the case. Sorry if I am typing too much, It just feels good to vent. My dad understands a little because I remember when they were getting a divorce my dad had to call the cops on my mother more than once. I was always protective over my mom. I used to say that she was just mad and didn't mean it. Or she lost control of herself. But if thats all it is...why would I have to keep it a secret from the world?? Why would she keep doing it. I am the scapegoat in my family. When my mom has a problem she takes it out on me(which happens most of the time). When she is not mad, I am ignore which I go to my room by myself. I like it better that way. Most my friends don't even know what happens to me. I hide it from them too. I put on a mask and pretend to be happy. Thats the way I live my life. I am afraid they would freak or not believe me if I told them.

Everyone see's my mother as a different person. She is hard working, single mother, super nice, and successful. I hear from everyone how great my mom is. It drives me insane because I am the only one to see the other side of her. I am trying to be nice and get out the easy way without police because I don't want her to lose her job and go to jail. She is nice to everyone else.

anyways thanks for responding and caring!!! It made me smile so much with the stuff you wrote. You are really nice and I wish you were my mother!!!

Jun 25, 2008
believe the opposite of what the rage says...
by: Anonymous

If she calls you a gdfb just create the opposite definition in your head and know that's probably much closer to the truth. So, what is the opposite of that? Goddess Blessed Beloved Daughter. That's what you really are.

And be careful when you tell yourself that you hate life. Be careful about jumping to those conclusions. For every time you say that try to say five times, "I love life". Because what you tell yourself is what you will carry out of that house with you. Trust me on that.

It's exactly reversed when she is raging. She is the negative image of who you are, like in photography, try to keep looking at the real picture and don't buy into the shadowy stuff. It's really tricky.

I'm glad you have your friend. And her family is something that is VERY real. People love each other and treat each other with kindness everyday. You can live your life like that if you choose to.

I view rageaholics like alcoholics. When they get really mad, when they turn into the monster and the spit flies and their eyes bulge and their face gets red, its their version of "drunk". Chemicals are released in their brains called, endorphins and it is a high for them.

The more often they get angry the more they get high. And when they are raging it's like a heroine addict or alcoholic out of control and on a bender. They don't make sense and they are not capable of good decisions.

She would only rage at me when no one else was around too. And I spent the night at A LOT of friends houses and had friends over because she would not explode then. But, as soon as they were gone it was like she had stockpiled.

I've been out of that house for 22 years now. And almost everyone has seen her rage by this time. When I first left, her hand went numb because she didn't have me to rage at anymore. Isn't it funny that I actually felt really bad about that?

Just remember that you are a Goddess Blessed Beloved Daughter and you can do whatever good things you want with your life. It's yours to do with as you see fit. Treat yourself well Goddess Blessed Beloved Daughter
Goddess Blessed Beloved Daughter
Goddess Blessed Beloved Daughter

XOXOXOdb.

Jun 26, 2008
Your amazing!
by: Anonymous

K so I love life. It feels like I hate it but I haven't been out in the real world. I would love life if my family was like my friend's family so I know I will love it when I am out. I promised myself never to go back to my suicidal self. I have to stay positive. I just woke up from another nightmare about my mother chasing after me but she was a big scary robotic monster. I ran to my dad for help but he wasn't much but he did save me. I hate nightmares. I have one almost everynight. When I don't, its just me being scared that my mom will come in and start to get mad at me.

That is really cool that you were describing it like acholism because I just realized that yesterday that they have like the same behavioral characteristics. I don't like her rage. She finds it fun to do this stuff to me, it's not fair. I can't even blame it on drinking. I can never ever trust her. I learned to trust no one. I don't like that I taught myself that but I can't help it. I get scared when someone gets mad. Even if it's my friend, who I mostly trust. I wanta trust but people have limits. They can handle a certain amount but after that..idk. I know my moms limit is really short cause if I don't do anything or make the wrong comment, she goes off on me. It's scary cause I never know when its going to happen. It's hard when she tells me to walk up to her and look at her while she is talking. I hate putting my face unpretected that close cause it usually ends up getting slapped. I don't like it at all. I shouldn't be scared to walk around a corner in my house, thinking she might show up. I shouldn't be scared to sleep. I thought this was normal and just a punishment but now that I see my friends family, it's not. My mother's rage pleases her and it is a sick disease.

Thank you for all your kind words. I will repeat nice things in my head. I will try my best because I know it's not true. I got an entire lecture on how I eat too much and she made me weigh myself and look at myself in the mirror. I know I am not fat. I am athletic and skinny. I am not fat. I am skinny. Yay! So I repeated nice things. I kinda like it. But I still don't get how a person who loves me could be mean to me. Does my mom really love me? Should I love her? Should I forgive her once I am out?

Thanks for your time!! I have never met anyone more amazing that is willing to take time and respond to me!! XOXOXOXOXOX

Jun 26, 2008
The tough questions...pt 1 of 4
by: deb

Does she love you? Should you forgive her?

These are things that I am struggling with too. And I want you to know that me being able to use my experience and help you is the most healing thing I've ever done in my life. And I've been at this healing for decades now. So, thank you for being so open and willing to really hear me. If one thing I've learned eases your journey I am healed that much more.

You have taught me that we are connected. Not in a codependent way where there are controls and scripts. But in a spiritual way so that when I attain peace I'm doing it for you as well. So that when my story turns out successful, it's your story too. And when you create a positive tape to counter the negative one she is trying to download in your brain and you start to see how beautiful and powerful you are, I and liberated too. And that has given me wings. Thank you thank you thank you.

What is love?

It's an epic question really. For me, it has to do with kindness. Nurturance.

Once I forgave my Father -And believe me I spent a year performing a solo show where I forgave him every night in a script before I could really do it- I was free. I was no longer defined by needing his acceptance or understanding. I did't care what he thought. Forgiveness took all of his power over me away. So I would say it is the most important thing we can figure out how to do for ourselves.

I haven't forgiven my Mother yet, but I have stopped hating her. There's a book called, "The Drama of the Gifted Child" by Alice Miller. She says, "When the patient has emotionally worked through the history of their childhood and has thus regained her sense of being alive, the goal of therapy has been reached."

So, that's what I do I read. I study and try to figure it out. Try to understand. But part of their disease is in making it all about them, and I don't want to continue that. Love will arise where it will. Therapy has helped. It's a journey. A process.

...to be continued...

Jun 26, 2008
The tough questions...pt 2 of 4
by: Deb

Also I learn about strong women. Like Mother Jones. She lost everything in a fire, her family, her business, EVERYTHING. And she became the strongest force behind the labor movement. The protector of children. She knocked on the White House door and asked to see the President and he hid from her. She said they had some things to discuss so she would wait. My favorite quote is, "I'm not here to make peace, I'm here to raise hell". That my friend, is the ORIGINAL MOJO!

And I think that's some power.

How do you forgive someone who tried to destroy you? Boundaries and proximity. I think creating your own set of rules and keeping whatever distance is comfortable to you will then bring about any possible love and forgiveness.

For me, I'm 41 years old and I find myself with piles of laundry around my bedroom. This has driven me nuts. Why do I do this? Am I really a slob? Then I realized after journaling and working through it that I was setting booby traps. My scared-child-mind set these traps so that I could go to sleep and if she came rushing at me during the night she would trip and fall and I could wake up and run past her and get out before she knew what happened.

...still continued...

Jun 26, 2008
The tough questions...pt 3 of 4
by: deb

We create all kinds of tools to survive in those environments and I think it's really important to fall in love with ourselves for being the children that figured out how to survive. The visualization that came to me in therapy goes like this:

I'm in the middle of the ocean left for dead. All I have is an inner tube and a zip lock back of granola. Eventually, I get to shore. But there I found myself in my 30's. On the shore but still clinging to this deflated inner tube and empty ziplock bag. I mean, I looked ridiculous. It was what saved my life. How could I let that go?

Well, sometimes you just reach a point where your spirit says, "stand up beautiful one". And so, you do. Then you dust of and if you want to you can start body surfing in the waves, or you can lie there burnt, dehydrating. Choices sister.

When you get out into the world you may find that your reliable tools have no place. Like the not-trusting. It works for you now because you are staying alive now. But, it may need to change. And each change is a challenge.

I try to create new rituals for myself to celebrate. Like if I suffer a loss I try to pick flowers and drop them in a river. Or if I am really concerned about something, I try to light a candle and just let my thoughts float. Try to change the old patterns by replacing them entirely.

Even when I look back at my suicidal self, I do love that girl. And I'm proud of her because she was being honest about how much pain she was in. And, I have gone to the funerals of three different suicides so I understand the severity of that level of depression, it ACTUALLY leads to death. One thing my mentor taught me was to replace negative thoughts with positive gentle ones. If you respond to violence by telling yourself something hateful about yourself, you're really just repeating the negativity. The TRICK is to say "I love you" first to yourself and to get really gentle. Easier to say than do.

How to love someone that puts a child in a suicidal headspace? Maybe you have more insight on this than me.

I'd like to believe that deep deep down she's still in there. There is the loving Mom that we are all supposed to see projected on the screen really living in there. We are a result of the choices we make every day. I know that growth is a choice. And some people simply do not make that choice. So every day you wake up you have to decide whether you will learn and grow or whether you will allow yourself to believe the dark lies. Will you splash in the waves or weep on the shore, and some days call for some serious weeping.

And every day is a lot of days.

But, there's power in taking responsibility for your own choices and letting go of trying to fix others or cover up their pain. I mean really that's ego that thinks we can "fix them". To honor their spirit best we should be honest. I run my own Company. I create my own theatrical works. There is great power in it.



Jun 26, 2008
The tough questions...pt 4 of 4
by: deb

If we both think that rageaholism is a disease like alcoholism than AA would say the prayer,
God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.

The cunnundrum is in that first line. Finding serenity in a paradox. We have to figure out how to accept the unacceptable. We are supposed to be SERENE about the fact that the person we trusted most in the world violated us and laughed about it. Feels like a magic trick or something. Seems like a tough thing to do. I'm trying to get away from the emotion and just look at it as history.

I call it "The Legacy of Rage". If our Mothers leave us their pain and rage (which was certainly given to them by their Mothers), then do we honor them by passing it on? Venting rage ourselves one day? Maybe turning it inward into self-hatred or outward to become abusers ourselves? Or do we honor them more by evolving? Rising up above what they could or were willing to do is what the Spirit Parent would want.

Choices.

Tough and hard choices.

You tell me Goddess.

XOXOdb.



Jun 26, 2008
I hope I grow up like you Part 1
by: Anonymous

You are so wise and smart. i hope I can grow up to learn more and be like you. Thank you for taking your time to help me. You don't understand how much this really means to me!! I wish I could repay you somehow. I feel connected to you also. Hearing from someone, espically an adult, who has been through many similar expereinces it so great. It gives me hope. I look at you as me in the future. So how you are is what I will become and that makes me happy. I like your definition of love. I don't really know what the real feeling of love feels like. I think I love my dad even though I don't see him much. I hate my mom right now but I will try to get over that like you did when I am out. I have always wondered...about love. Idk my mom makes me say I love her or I get in trouble. It doesn't feel real.They are just words. Words that don't have a real meaning behide them. She makes me hug her which is scary as hell she will trap me there. I have to walk toward my worst fear...put my arms round her and show her I care for her..i don't. A hug is just scary. I hate it. It's a trick. The hardest one is if she starts to cry (which she does alot cause she is super dramatic) then I have to force myself to hug her. To show her I care. I don't really. She cries all the time. It started when my parents got a divorce, then it was one boyfriend, then another. She would have a million fights with them and then get back together and then fight again. It was never ending. When this drama 1st started I cared and hugged her cause i LOVED her. Now that she has done many things that she has...I don't care. It doesn't matter if she is upset becuase she creates her own drama. She thrives on it. My friend told me to act like I care. I try but its really hard. but its another part of the survival. If I don't act, my mom gets mad.I have learned many survival things that I realize most kids don't know. I know how to protect myself, how to curl in a ball and take it, protect my head and face, to run to a safe room and not one I will get trapped in, to listen for footsteps. I gained super senses as my friend calls it. I also learned how to leave my body while its happening, while I am getting in trouble. I taught myself how to not feel the pain. When I get too scared, I just leave. I sign out til its over. I am not sure if this is good but it helps.

I try to push memories out of my head. I know this is bad but I can't help it. The pain is too intense. I have repressed so much. I can't remember many events. I have many events that I also refused to believe happened. I say they are just dreams. My mom would never do those things. She is supposed to love me. These things I remember are painful and idk if I am strong enough to face them. Why would someone who loves me do this?(I have "dreamed" of the bad stuff like suffication with a pillow, getting strangled, getting threated with a knife, and possibly sexual abuse)

Jun 26, 2008
Part2
by: Anonymous

As to my suididal self, I know it leads to actual death. I used to look at it as a way to end the pain. It looked happier that way. No one really understands that feeling of depression unless they experience it and I am glad you understand. I promised myself I will never revisit my suicidal self becuase I see that life could be happy and I wanta survive long enough to experience it. I won't listen to my mother and let her win!! She tells me to go kill myself so I will do the opposite!!!She can't win!! I can't give in. I wanta be strong. I also have to admit to some other things I have done in depression. I have turned to food and eaten too much and too little. I have done some self harm acts. The pain felt good. To me the pain releievs the greater pain. Punching a wall feels good too even if it hurts my hand. I like it. I have also gotten high off things in my room like nail polish and white out. I know that is horrible and I gave it up for better stress relievers. The feeling of high was just the most amazing thing. I was happy, nothing could bring me down. Life was easy. The high feeling was my savior. I stopped now though. My friend taught me how to bike ride and draw to express my feelings. when my mom gets really mad I will just go for like a 15 mile bike ride to get out and clear my mind. It helps. I will write a poem. Many of my poems are depressing but they don't depress me they help. I listen to music. 2 songs that I love and every word means something to me. It makes me happy. They are "I'm just a kid" and "welcome to my life" by simple plan. My friend said these songs are depressing but to me they descirbe life and help me overcome the cold world.

I had a question. I never ever cry anymore. Even when stuff happens. I learned to become strong and just take it even if I am scared. I don't let my pain out cause if I start to cry I would be weak and I have to be strong to survive and live in my world. I can't cry. My friend says thats bad. When a repressed memory tries to come, I force it down becuase I don't want to cry. I don't wanta experience the pain again. It's too intense. what's your opinion? Should I cry?

I am determined to become like you when I grow up. I will never hurt anyone else. I babysit my neighbors kids and so far I don't find it hard to not get upset. I don't feel a need to get mad like my mother has. I learned what not to do from her. I would never harm others. The trust of me believing people won't harm me will be harder.

Thank you for all your help. I don't really have many people to turn to for advice besides my friend and she is more clueless than i am cause she is a teen just like me and she hasn't experienced any of this.

Thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you thank you !!!! your amazing!!!
xoxoxoxoxo

Jun 26, 2008
Let me Apologize...
by: deb

For the stupid things that adults do to children. Even though I haven't done them myself.

I just want you to know it's ridiculous for grown people to behave the way your Mother is behaving and I am SO SO SO SO sorry you have to try to manage through it.

It's wrong and you deserve SO MUCH better.

I'm always here so write anytime. Write write write. Write in a journal, write on the bathroom wall, write write write. I'm running a theatre camp for girls, wish you were around I would teach you directly, but for now, you have my ear anytime.

Express in any healthy way you can think of. Go to a Chuck E. Cheese and play Whack-a-mole, get it out where you can in healthy ways. Batting cages ROCK!

Know that if you begin to hurt yourself you MUST call for help. Please please please. You are a Goddess and it's not acceptable for you to be hurt by ANYONE, including yourself.

As for the tears. I understand from my own story. I was not allowed to cry. So, I learned to stop or to sob silently. Eventually, my body would just give me nosebleeds when I got upset.

At the end of my college years, in a dance performance art piece I had to cry through almost the whole thing. At first rehearsals were pretty bloody, as you can imagine. It freaked everyone out, but I told them to just hang in there with me.

Then, the tears came again.

It took time. The body remembers everything, the mind takes care of survival, and the spirit will lift you.

Please understand that your environment is toxic. So there is only so much you can do to sustain your health in that world. Know that you are doing a PHENOMINAL job!!! Really terrific.

I do love you for your heart and your spirit and all that you have to bring to the world and I expect you to bring it well. The world needs your voice, your perspective, but mostly your HEART so be the custodian of the sacred-ness of ALL THAT YOU ARE. Treat yourself well. Hold your head high because there is a crown on it and maybe no one else can see it right now, but I can.

KEEP CREATING! My art saved my life. That's the truth.

You have wisdom in you but none of us have all of the answers. So, choose people wisely. Many of the tools you have developed will serve you well in life. The spidey-sense can be a great instrument out in the world. TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS!!!

I'm right here and more than anything will be devastated if you are harmed. Please be gentle, kind, if you slip or do something you are ashamed of love yourself for your imperfections and get up and try again. That's the best advice I have.

Not much really. Truly, you deserve so much more. I am PULLING for you. Get OUT OF THERE as quickly as you can.

XOOXOXdb.

Jun 26, 2008
Thanks
by: Anonymous

Your advice is amazing!! I know I don't deserve to be hurt, even by myself, I have really tried hard to stop and I haven't done it in a little while. I know my life is going to be worth it. I wish I was there with you at your theatre camp and I could truly talk to you. It sounds so cool what you do. I always had a secret dream to become a famous actress. My mom tells me I would never make it but I know that I shouldn't listen to her.

You are so nice. I feel like you are more of a mother to me than my own. When i get out I wanta learn to be able to cry again. I don't remember the last time I did.

I will try from now on only good stress releases. I draw pictures and get exercise. I like that whack a mole idea.

You said that your arts have saved your life. It's kinda like that with me and soccer. Soccer has kepted me alive and survived this long. It kepted my spirits up. right now I have an injured ankle so I am not allowed to play and I miss it alot. I can't wait to play again.

I called my dad to remind him about getting me out. He knows he is just usually busy with other stuff so he is forgetful. He doesn't really have time for me but its better than this house becuase I will be 16 in sept. so I can take care of myself. Anyways I am grounded tonight and my mom just got off the phone with yelling at me so tonight will be fun(sarcasim). anyway thanks for all your time and responses. Your the best and i love you!!!!

My name is Briana
xoxoxoxoxoxox

Jun 26, 2008
Girls and sports
by: deb

It's great that you are a soccer player and that you enjoy expressing yourself creatively.

One of the solo shows I've done is called, "How She Played the Game" by Cynthia Cooper. It features six different female athletes. They are so amazing.

Eleo Sears played every sport there was but she was around at the turn of the century. Her big brew ha ha was that she rode a horse (and NOT sidesaddle) and that she insisted on wearing pants! That was not permitted. But she did it and she was successful.

Also, Althea Gibson who won Wimbledon and she was an African American woman who wasn't even allowed into some of the hotels that hosted events in HER NAME because of racism. Then there was Sonya Henie. She invented ice skating and was a millionaire, very successful business woman.

Gertrude Ederle (Trudy) I actually met her one month before she died. She swam the English Channel in 1926 and broke the record of the five men before her by three hours AND she swan in a huge storm. When I talked to her she was really proud that she was a yankee who swam it. NYC threw the first ticker tape parade for her. After all of her fame she broke her back. They told her she wouldn't walk again. Her back was in a cast for five years. But she did walk and she swam in the Worlds Fair too.

Then, Gretel Bergmann, the only of the six still alive (that I know of). Was an amazing high jumper. Broke a world record just getting ready for the Olympic Trials of 1936. After Hitler convinced the US to join the Olympics she was promptly cut from the German team because she was Jewish. Never got to compete.

And then there was Babe Didrikson. One of the greatest athletes of all time. Look her up, she'll just blow your mind.

Hey, I'm a little concerned that your Dad had to call the police on your Mom and is now being evasive and forgetful with you knowing you are stuck in that house with her. Don't be afraid to reach for help if you need to.

There is no shame in it. You are standing on huge shoulders of women who have gone on before you. Keep your head up and know that you honor them when you honor yourself!

XOXOXdb.

Jun 26, 2008
Briana
by: deb

is a BEAUTIFUL NAME!
XOXOdb.

Jun 27, 2008
A request for you Deb:
by: Darlene Barriere - Webmaster

Deb, you are quite the prolific writer! And you are providing a great deal of support to Briana, support that I'm glad to see is remaining anonymous, as the web goes.

I'm writing to you through this comment form to ask if you'd like me to take up your last post titled "If I knew then what I know now..." as an article rather than as a comment in this thread. I ask only because it seems more general, rather than directed toward any one person. There is a great deal of value in posting it as a submission rather than as a comment; a submission reaches far more visitors to this site.

If you'd rather just leave it as a comment, I'll release it from queue. If you'd like to have it appear as an article, just let me know through this thread and I'll move it to the appropriate category. I won't do anything with it until I hear back from you.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir


Jun 27, 2008
Whatever is best...
by: deb

Whatever you think would be most helpful I would love to do. Wherever my story can heal or even help a little is where I'd love to have it...Thanks SO MUCH for this site.

XOXOXdb.

From Darlene:

You're welcome, Deb. And thank YOU. Expect your article to be posted shortly.

Darlene Barriere
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

Jun 27, 2008
I'm OUT!!!!!!!!
by: Briana

Omg last night i knew my mom was mad but I never knew it would end up like this!! Ok so it started with my mom and I had a BAD fight. Anyway I called my dad and he came over. Then my mom and dad got in a fight. Then my mom kicked me out of the house. She said she doesn't want to live with me. So she started packing up all my stuff. I was so happy. We made one trip with my stuff to my house. My mom called up going completely insane. My dad called the 911 and 2 cops showed up so I could get some more of my stuff. My mom has a violent history anyway with my dad too so my dad wanted to be extra safe. I slept at my dad's last night and I have been spending all day at my dad's work to be safe. My mom tried to see me by going to his apt. but i wasn't there. I am happy. But now my mom called the police and tried to get him in trouble for trespassing and junk last night. This legal battle for me has just started. Thank you for all your AMAZING advice and I will let you know how its going. Getting the rest of my stuff out of the house is going to be a challenge. anyways...my mom is blamming this entire thing on me. Whatever I AM FREE!!!!!!!!! for now. I might have to go back until my dad gets full custody.
Thank you Thank you Thank you!!!!!I Love you!!! xoxoxox

Jun 27, 2008
YES!
by: deb

That is GREAT news.

I was so worried that your Dad wasn't taking this seriously. Stuff is stuff. I know you are young, but you have YOU! Whatever for the stuff, we live in a world full of it...your safety trumps any mall purchase as far as I'm concerned.

I am afraid for you to have to go back there. Please don't protect her. Take care of you. PROTECT YOU. The truth is the healing property here. Her rage will grow wherever it has dark crevices to thrive in. Don't give her any.

Tell all. Show your Dad these posts. Write down her rage episodes. BE BRAVE NOW. You have cultivated so much courage and strength and you are brilliant. Shine light shine light shine light on it all...no shame sister...not a drop.

Blow it up. Explode the thing and let her deal with her own repercussions. And know this, the faster she hits bottom the more potential there is for her to heal. THE WORST thing that can happen is that she maintain her violence.

Keep going sister!

Hold your head up and SPEAK. Speak for yourself, speak for me, speak for the ones who succeeded at their own destruction and lost their lives and with that their voices...SPEAK!!!! You are a Goddess, hold your head up and let your crown touch the sky.

Love you & stay safe.
db.

Jun 27, 2008
My name is Francine and I feel bad for you
by: Francine

Wow, Deb, your mom sure was/is a sick woman and she needs help (I hope this doesn't offend you, and if it did otherwise, then I'm so sorry!). I understand what you went through and I am sorry that you didn't have a good mom; mine, too, is ballistic and abusive towards me since I was 6 years old. I really feel you, Deb. Peace out and God bless!

Jun 27, 2008
No offense taken.
by: deb

I've spent my whole life telling myself it wasn't that bad, so I appreciate an outside eye. Sorry you've had to go through it too. But, the good thing is, life is whatever we choose to make it, right?

XOdb.

Jun 27, 2008
What to do!!
by: Anonymous

So I am happy that I am out and safe. I like living with my dad but my mom is coming back all sweet and saying how she wants to be friends with me and loves me. She is making me feel so guilty. I know its just a trap and I shouldn't fall for it but it's working. I found a book under my pillow at my dad's house about mother and daughter love and how they should love eachother even if they mess up. Maybe she has changed. Maybe she will try. AHHHH life is so confusing. I feel guilty. I can't help it but I still don't wanta go back to her. She is so ahhhhhhhh!! I really don't want to feel guilty. She is blamming this entire situation on me and i know it's not my fault but I feel bad. I want to be safe so I will stay with my dad and try to overcome the guilt. Please if you have any advice....I am so confused. My mind is racing. Thanks for all your help!!

Jun 28, 2008
The truth is the truth. 1 of 2
by: deb

Briana:

What is nearly impossible right now is for you to step out of the emotionality of this and just look at the facts. The facts dear woman just the facts.

What do we know for sure about your Mother?

She feels some kind of ownership over you and so she probably feels incomplete without you. She is looking at you as property or an extension of herself and NOT as a person.

If I were writing this script for you. If you were a character in my play. Your lines to your Mother would go like this:

"I understand that you love me so much. I love you too for giving me this great life. The thing is, you hurt me and you didn't want anyone to know about it. And the more it was hidden from people before, the more you hurt me. I can love you much better when I live with Dad because you don't hurt me then. That's just what I've experienced and I'm not making that up. When you scream at me and tell me terrible things about myself that's called verbal abuse and it's illegal. And when you hit me and I end up having to ball up on the floor because of your rage, that's called physical abuse. And, when I finally call Dad for help because you are terrifying me and you blame me and get more angry with me, that's just more emotional abuse. I'm a really smart girl and I know if I go back to that it's going to change who I am as an adult. It's going to make everything in my life harder. Already, I have to learn how to trust people.

Mom, you seem out of control to me and I really don't know what you will do next.

I know right now you think you mean what you are saying but Mom, I think you are a rageaholic. And I think the more angry you become the more angrier you get and it goes on and on and I am your only target. It's really violent.

...continued...

Jun 28, 2008
The truth is the truth. 2 of 2
by: deb

"I can't know you and feel good about who I am until you address your verbal and physical abuse and your rageaholism. The fact that you continue to blame me is proof to me that you aren't taking responsibility for yourself. And Mom, I'm a kid. It's not my job to have your answers. It's my job to grow up into a responsible, strong, and loving adult. You are supposed to HELP ME, it's not supposed to be the other way around.

I'm sorry you are hurting so bad. I love you so much that I must insist you get professional help. Until you are under a Doctors care, I am not safe in your house.

Please get help."

That's what I would have you say if I ran the world. But, I don't. And Briana, whatever you decide to do is not wrong. This is amazingly difficult and confusing. I'm still grasping my situation with all of this time out of it. I just wish for you that you get out four years before I did. I wish that for you because I believe you'll be able to get to the joy in your life that much sooner.

When these people talk about "unconditional" love. The love a child has for a Parent. The Biblical obligation to love and honor. Here's the deal, they are supposed to PARENT. They are supposed to protect, not bring harm. She brings harm, you owe her nothing. Where is her love? The thing I've said to my own MOther a million times when she is needing me to do MORE for her but given nothing is, the road runs in two directions.

I know I'm really opinionated her. Go back and read your posts to me. Read the stuff you finally started to admit, the bad dream stuff. That needs to be processed and you don't need more of that kind of evil.

Don't underestimate your own value just because she throws a big fit, or tries to now be perfect. I used to find new dresses on my bed all the time. Things and money can trap you with them. Stay true to spirit.

Seriously.

Love you and cheer for you no matter what you decide to do.

XOXOdb.

Jun 28, 2008
Thank you
by: Anonymous

You have convinced me. I am probably going to live if my dad full time. I like it here. I will still tell her I love her and that I want a relationship where I see her some. I don't trust her and I will tell her that I would get along with her better if I don't have to live with her and fight all the time. I like what you wrote and I am thinking about saying that to her also. Thank you for all your advice. my common sense tells me to get out. I think about all the awful things she has done and said to me...I should never go back. My emotions say the opposite. They are guilty, they want to go back and give her a hug and live with her, they want to pretend like this never happened.

When she writes notes and gives me stuff begging to be forgiven and for me to come back, it is hard. Super hard. Somehow I learned to cry for the 1st time last night. I cried myself to sleep from this confusion of emotion. From finding a book that she wrote i love you in and left it under my pillow. I am so confused, my mind is spinning.

I know the right thing to do is stay with my dad. Even my friend says that. So I will try and stay with my dad. My life is just spinning and its so hard. It feels like everything is wrong. My world is falling apart. It would be easier to go back to my mom and live in a dream world like this never happens. The shock has finally hit me and its hard to handle. I will try my best. Thank you for your advice and support!!!!

xoxoxoxox-briana

Jun 28, 2008
It's a beginning.
by: deb

More than an ending.

And, I know it can feel scary and disorienting. But, do ask for help. Ask her to talk to someone, to get medication if she needs it. To work through whatever she is pressing down and taking out on you.

Just because you won't take her abuse doesn't mean you can't love her and work on a relationship with her.

I tried pretending for 40 years. Thinking, "I can take this, it's no big deal, her pain is huge, she doesn't really mean it."

And I carried every single thing in my body. I was so good at storing it away I forgot. And so I started doing it with other people too, taking on their pain, thinking I could.

It doesn't work sweetheart. You may think that it does, but if you want to be a really happy healthy person, you must be honest in your life.

The tears are a GREAT sign. It means your body and mind feel safe enough to let some of it out. Which is a really wonderful thing.

I know this is SO HARD. But, your Mom is hurting. And, you can help her feel better by insisting she seek real help and not turn yourself into her place to vent.

I know this is really beyond difficult.

But, you are doing great. REALLY GREAT. This is her stuff. Love her and BE SAFE. It looks to me like you might be able to have both if it gets dealt with now.

You are a strong one. I am amazed by your strength. Just keep moving through it and you will come out in a place of terrific joy.

I promise.

XOXOXOXOdb.

XOXOOXdb.

Jun 26, 2009
A Blessing indeed!
by: Anonymous

Greetings from Africa! What a Blessing getting onto this site, thank you! It's a year later...and I've just been reading Briana and Deb's comments and have been crying and realise I'm healing and relating! At 33 years it's a true journey of self-doubt...anger...aggression alcohol abuse and when I'm sober the negative feelings just flood me. The latter makes me realise I have yet to heal some more: Deb's advice has revived my Spirit thank you! I find I love Art (interesting) and would love to be active sport-wise ...say Tennis, who knows maybe I'm the next black sister on court! LOL I'll be back and thanks once again for the 'outlet' site.
Love and Peace, T

From Darlene: Keep up the great work, T! You're certainly worth it.

A Video Reading by Darlene Barriere
Darlene Barriere
Webmaster: www.child-abuse-effects.com
Violence & Abuse Prevention Educator
Author: On My Own Terms, A Memoir

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