Child Abuse Story From Danica

by Danica
(Canada)

My first memory of being abused is really blurry still and i dont know who it was, i remember being in a dark room and someone standing in front of me and telling me to put it in my mouth, i know that i had done it before but in this memory i said no. all i remember is standing there and saying no.

i remember this burning feeling i always got in my vagina, and i would cry and cry and complain about it all the time. my mom had me in and out of the doctors all the time but they told us that it was psychological. i've recently learned that thats a sign of sexual abuse, how the doctors didnt know that i dont know, and if they did, then why the f*** didnt they tell my mom?

my real dad told me a story once of how when i was little i told my aunt that me and some of the other girls had been kissing eachother on our privates, but i feel that if i told her about it then i didnt think there was anything wrong with it.

when i was about three years old, my mom met this guy who later became my step-dad. i have no idea when the abuse started, i remember when i was still really little he would tell me that he loved me and that we were going to run away and get married but we couldnt let anyone know, it was just a game though he would hold my hand and we would start running untill we seen someone then we would turn and run back to the house. I loved him soo much, he was like the dad i never had. and he was perfect, and my mother was soo happy this being her third marriage.

the abuse was never much and it usually happened in the mornings or when my mom was sleeping or when my mom wasnt home. all through my life i was very cuddly and i would crawl into bed with my mom. he would cuddle into me and rub my tummy, and then eventually slip his hands down my pants. sometimes i would put his hands down them myself just so he would do it. for some reason i was convinced that he was sleeping and doing it. cause he wouldn't say anything and his eyes would be closed. this went on for years, i liked it. i would crawl into the bed just so he could do it, my mind knew how wrong it was but my body enjoyed it.

me and my friends would always play out sex games, and have sex in my bed, sometimes my mom would come in and we would say that we were hiding from her and stuff. but i dont know how she didnt know we were fooling around by the looks on our faces and the fact that we always chose to hide in the bed...

remember how i said that i used to think he was sleeping, well he always snored, and he would never snore while he was doing this to me, and after a while he had some sleep test done on him and the tests showed that he wasnt sleeping properly, and would wake him self up like every 5 mins or soo. he had to get this breating apparatus thing, and after he got that and actually could get a good nights sleep he never touched me, unless he didnt wear it.

when i was about 12, thats when i started having angry outburst. i would scream at my mom and stepdad and tell my stepdad how much i hated him and wished he would die.

i would get mad at my mom too, and just scream and scream for hours.

finally when i was about 15 i got fed up with it, and chose to go live with my real dad. i was still really confused and didnt know how to have a relationship with a dad, my head was f***** up. we were staying in a hotel one night and shared a bed. and i put his hand down my pants. the next morning though he asked me about it, i denyed it but at that point i realized that my stepfather must have known what he was doing to me. i think i did that to see what would happen and it showed me that my stepfather knew.

the last time my stepfather ever touched me was on easter break about four years ago, him and my mom came and took me for a vacation we had gone to the hotsprings and i got a really bad burn and he was rubbing lotion on my back for me. and i started to dose off, and this time he fingered me from behind. then when i woke up he wasnt there anymore.

i went back to live with them eventually but never went into their room and he never came into mine.

i confronted him just over a year ago now, he was on his knees crying and apologizing. he said he only ever remembered doing it once and it made him sick to think about it. i remember telling him that i thought it was my fault and he was quick to accept that as an excuse. but i know that it wasn't my fault. i know that he knew what he was doing to me. he wanted to tell my mom but i told him not to, that i still love him and i forgive him and if i wanted to ruin his life i would have done it in a lot worse way.

i still get really angry at my mom and only recently shes asked me if i was ever molested. ive told her my other stories(that i didnt write in here) but not the one about my stepfather. i dont ever want her to know. i'm still mad at her though and i cant help it, i know that all the signs were there right in front of her nose. and she couldnt see them.

my real father knew right away after i went to live with him. we got into a fight over something and i cried and he asked have you been molested and i started crying even harder.

i still have troubles with it, it still hurts. I'm a cutter and have been cutting since i was about 12. its the only way i know how to deal with pain. i dont know if the pain will ever go away...

but im back living with my real father again and its getting easier, ill soon be 19 and its been four years since anything has happened. and im never going to let anything happen to me again

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