Child Abuse Story From Corina M
by Corina M
(Nevada, USA)
I just turned 36 and it hit me hard! I have been free for 18 years, but after 16 years of abuse as a child I have made little progress emotionally. I am discouraged that I am still so affected by what happened so long ago. My natural father abandoned my mother when he found out she was pregnant with me. My mother married when I was 18 months old and that man adopted me when I was 5. My earliest memory is when I was about 2 and my mom held me out the window high in the air above a dumpster and threatened to throw me away, for not being potty trained. My "dad" hit me frequently, from as early as I can remember. I have a sister who is 2 years younger than me and my parents always punished me for anything she did wrong, because I was older and responsible for her actions.
I remember bedroom inspections a couple of times a week when we were 5-18 yrs old. If my dad was in a bad mood from work he would do a "bedroom inspection" and find some minimal thing out of place in order to beat us and call us pigs or other demeaning things. My dad is a clean freak and everything in the house had to be perfect. My sister and I always felt that he looked for reasons to hit us, because he enjoyed it. We were both overly willing to please and tried so hard to be perfect, but it was never good enough. I stole a pack of gum from the store when I was 4 and my mom found it in my room. She told my dad and he beat me so bad I couldn't walk or sit. I remember flying across the room and hitting my back on my dresser and falling to the floor. When I was 9 I wanted glasses and tried to fool the eye doctor, which didn't work. When my dad found out I lied, he beat me severely, and made me sit in the corner in my room for 3 days. He would throw hotdogs at me and say "You act like and animal so you will eat like an animal!" I ate, and slept in that corner for three days. I wasn't allowed bedding or to shower or change my clothes and I could only use the bathroom when my mother would escort me. I resented my mother for not standing up for me. In my early teen years, my grades started slipping, I suffered from terrible head aches and stomach problems. At 14 I had a test done on my stomach which revealed I had ulcers from stress. I turned to food to comfort me and gained a little weight and my dad would call me terrible names. I was sick every day, I was made to get a job at 14 and I was also made to hand every one of my checks over to my dad, never seeing a dime. We lived in the wealthy neighborhood, my parents had plenty of money but insisted on spending as little as possible on us. We were both teased at school for the clothing we wore. I was never socially accepted at school, because I was so quiet and that has followed me in my adult years. I am a social outcast, I feel very uncomfortable around people, and am always worried about what other people think or that I am not offending them in any way. When I was 14 I had to have my wisdom teeth extracted, which required being put to sleep. Some very strange things happened, The doctor made a comment about my nice teeth(in a creepy way), all of the doctors staff left while I was still in the back, I was extremely out of it when I woke up. I had to be carried to the car by the doctor. And I told my mom that my chest hurt, like the doctor had been sitting on me. She didn't think much of it, and a year later it came out that the oral surgeon was being sued by multiple patients for sexually abusing them while "Under". As soon as I heard this I got a sick feeling and KNEW that this had happened to me too. I told my mom that I wanted to tell my story to the law, and she told me to let it go. My parents didn't want to deal with the embarrassment this could cause. My dad kicked me out of the house a few times from 13-16 for things like my grades, or once for not hanging my bath towel back up properly. Once it was snowing and as I walked up the driveway not sure where I was going, I heard my mom call my name. I turned around relieved that she was finally going to stick up for me. She said "Don't forget your jacket." I started running away when I was 16 and spent most of my last two years as a child in juvenile hall, which was so much better than home. These are just a few of the wretched memories of my childhood. I was told over and over that I was a disgrace to the family, failure, filthy pig, embarrassment, disappointment. My sister tried to slit her wrists with a razor when she was 14 and the school contacted my parents. My dad said to her "How could you do this to me! Your such an embarrassment." My sister was the only person that loved me and my heart broke when he said that to her. Now we are adults and we both have many emotional problems. We also have a brother who's 10 years younger than me. All three of us hate to be touched. My brother and sister can't even sleep in the same bed with their spouses. I had my first baby at 20 after 2 miscarriages. I wanted nothing more than to have a baby that would love me unconditionally. Now my beautiful daughter is 15 and my perfect son is 13. They are happy and well adjusted although my son is very shy, but seems to be growing out of it. I am so proud of my perfect babies! My mother divorced my father when I was 18 and we have repaired our relationship. I stopped talking to my dad when I was pregnant with my daughter and after she was born I decided to forgive and forget. So we had a decent relationship, although he still tends to put me down. My father has always been an alcoholic, but became a fall down drunk about a year ago. I have worked very hard to leave my awful childhood in the past, but since he got "sick" a lot of things seemed to resurface. I have a great husband and two perfect children, but I am still so unhappy inside. I honestly don't think I really know what it means to be happy and feel at peace. Why am I so affected still by the way I was treated? Why do I always put everyone else's needs in front of mine? Why would I destroy myself to try to fix my drunken father after the way he's always made me feel? Why do I feel so insignificant? I'm a great mother and I know that...my perfect children are proof of that for me. So why can't I just be proud of myself for the things I have accomplished, instead of always thinking negatively about myself. My kids bedrooms are both a nightmare, but I can't bring myself to make them clean them. Am I hurting my kids by not making them keep their space clean? I'm a 36 year old emotional mess!! and very disappointed in myself for not being able to relax and be happy. My husband and kids are overly happy, and I feel like I just can't keep up with them emotionally.
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