Child Abuse Story From Confused3

by Name Undisclosed
(Location Undisclosed)

I recently started seeing a therapist for my depression and low self-esteem. I haven't mentioned this incident to my therapist yet, as I've never really considered that it might have been sexual abuse, but I just wanted to know what other people thought about it.

When I was 8, I was quite a passive and excessively naive child. I was cycling home from a riding lesson one Saturday, about 17:00 (5 p.m.), and decided to go the back way instead of along the main road because it was sunny and the traffic wouldn't be so bad. When I turned into the parking lot between two football pitches, a car pulled up and a man wound down the window and motioned me over. I got off my bike and went over to see what he wanted. He told me that he had to pick up his daughter from her riding lesson, but he wasn't sure where the stables were. It occurs to me now that was a pretty obvious ploy, given that I was wearing riding gear, but at the time it seemed like a pretty innocent question, so I proceeded to give him directions. Then he said that he didn't understand where I meant, and would I get in and show him, he'd give me a lift back to my bike afterwards.

I remember feeling a bit uneasy about getting in the car, but thought that since it was such a public place, and he was an adult and I was always told that adults were right and you should listen to them, and I had this excessive need to please, I thought I should. When I got in the car, he locked the doors, which made me a bit scared, but he said it was because the car wouldn't start otherwise.

He talked to me a bit about riding, then he started rubbing his penis. He said how he really needed to pee, and that was the good thing about being a man, that you could hold it and it would make the feeling go away. Then he undid his pants and took his erect penis out and started rubbing it some more. Then he said that he wouldn't be able to hold it if he was driving at the same time, so he asked me to hold it. I sort of knew that it wasn't quite right at the time, but I wasn't very confident and again, he was the adult, so I just went along with it. Then he asked me if I needed to pee, and did I want him to hold mine for me (I'm female btw). I said no thank you but he reached over anyway and started rubbing me. Then it's a bit of a blur, but I think that somebody must have driven past and he stopped what he was doing and I said I had to go home and he unlocked the door and let me out.

I remember being really scared on the way home, but I never told my parents. I just thought it was something I'd get in a lot of trouble for, and I didn't think they'd really believe me either, given what a public place it was. That was 17 years ago, and I've only thought about the incident twice in that time, and when I think about it the only thing that comes to mind is how lucky I was to get out of that situation with nothing serious happening. But I sometimes do wonder whether the things we don't think affect us and our behaviour, that they are actually the things that have the most power over us.

I have a history of alcohol and drug abuse, self-harm, suicide attempts and have suffered from depression for the past decade. I've never felt like this incident affected me, but recently I can't quite shake the feeling that it's all related, especially since I never talked about it with anyone and probably still evaluate the situation as I would have done at 8 years old. I know that this probably sounds really benign to the other people who have posted in here with stories of repeated sexual and physical abuse and rape, and I am a little ashamed of posting here because of that, but any advice/comments would be gratefully received as I'm scared of bringing this up with my therapist in case she rejects it or me.

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